A hopeless unlovable person...

since i can remember i have always tried to achieve what i was always told i never would. All my life I dreamed of being someone who i can be proud of and feel good of. I always go the extra mile and work very hard to achieve that goal, so why is everything so impossible. Why is trying to reach this goal and working towards it so painful? I Just wish that for once just one good thing happened to let me know that im on my way and that i am on the right track. I Feel worthless and it hurts to see my friends end up like i wish i did. I'm told that im good and that it will happen, that i have to be patient, but not one ounce of hope has come out of all of this. And this is not something i have just started to do recently, this is something i have worked most of my life for. And then i also push away any one that loves me, i cant seem to believe in love, i push everything away and cant trust anyone. I just feel the things they say are lies, and i also cant seem to accept that someone should love someone other than me. I dont know why, I just cant believe in something stable. I never stayed in one place too long, or ever believed in being with one person for the rest of my life. I always feel like i will leave them, i wish i had seen a relationship work in my life. I never have, every relationship my mother ever had was destructive and completely loveless...and now i am all alone because i have pushed my husband away....but i feel its for the best...i feel like ever since i have been in his life i have kept him from living. I only see him 2 weeks out of the month and during those 2 weeks i hate my life... maybe its good that hes done with me, nothing has gone right in my life...nothing. I feel bad i have written a very scattered short confusing story of my life, but i've just had all of these feelings inside me, with noone to talk to and i have thought of ending it too much lately. I worry. And the few times i discussed it with my husband he just made me feel worse and made me hate myself even more. Its hard when you lose the only person in your life who said they truly love you, but its harder when you know you pushed them away for good. I dont know what to do, all i want is someoone who understands what i'm going through. I'm lost and dont know what to do.

Well first of all welcome, you have came to a great place. I am sure you will find what you are looking far and beyond. I am not the most knowledgeable when it comes to depression but I will say talking to your husband is a great idea but maybe you should start with one thing at a time that is bothering you and talk to him about it. If this really starts to bother you you can go to your family doctor or a Mental health Professional. I highly suggest you do because this can hurt you physically!

Welcome to PC. I know how you feel - I have tried my whole life to be someone that I and others can be proud of, esp. when it comes to work. I've also always gone the extra mile and it never seems like it does an ounce of good. So I can relate to your feelings of frustration.

As for your husband and the people around you, you have to learn to let others in, just a little at a time. You need to see that not everyone will hurt you or let you down. This is hard to do, but not impossible. I'm still working on it because I find it difficult to trust others as well. You should try to work on a relationship with your husband and maybe salvage it before it is too late. It is always good to have someone that you can count on and can lean on.

I'm sorry that things are so rough for you right now. Do you have a therapist or doctor that you see? What about medications? Try to do whatever it takes to turn things around for yourself and have patience when it comes to work and stuff. It really does take time and perseverance to make things work.

Take care and best of luck to you.

I have been planing to see a therapist because i can see myself only getting worse rather than better, but sometimes i just feel like i'm too damaged to be rapaired and like its just because i'm not meant to be that person i work so hard to be. I'm not meant to be happy. I want to get better but there is this side of me that just wants to hurt and pushes both love and any good inside me away. I have suffered from depression for a long time and medication helps, but numbs me, no emotions, and not a care for what happens. I like to feel highs and lows, mostly highs, i love to smile, but hate that smiling is only a memory in my mind. I wish there was a way i could keep a normal feeling without the medication for depression.....

Dear Missy,

It sounds like you've been affected by the example your mother set in your life.

Some people aren't meant to be with other people.

Don't give up on your goals.

PC is a very supportive environment.

EJ

I also have the tendency to push good things away from me - it feels like I don't deserve them. At work esp. I am like that.....at home, I wish I had someone supportive.

I think it's a good idea to see a therapist - it will help show you ways of coping with these feelings and how to fight them.

As for meds, I understand. I am on 3 different ones and feel like I have no personality anymore. But the other side is instability and pure hell for me so the benefits far outweigh the bad. It would be nice not to have to take meds, to be "normal" again, but it is part of life sometimes. I hope you find what you need and keep trying to be that person that you want to be. Keep in touch.

My mother has had a very crazy life and i have feared and ending like hers.
I love her truly, and wish she found love, but hate how she always made bad choices and stuck by them as though she didnt deserve better. I hope someday i can prove to myself that happiness does exist and that love can survive, even for a tiny bit.

I get that feeling sometimes too. It is not a nice feeling at all. I am glad you are going to see a Therapist. Perhaps a Psychiatrist could get you some medication.

Thanks!
Its a good feeling to know someone out there understands how difficult this can be. Thanks so much for your reply.....i'm feeling a bit better. Hope it lasts.

I hope so too! That is what PC is for. It is such a great site and can be touching! (((Missmisery)))

PM me anytime you'd like to. I'm a good listener.

thanks i will..=)

Hello MissMisery,

Wow, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. I would strongly suggest you find a therapist to talk to as they can help so much. Also keep telling yourself over and over, I am a deserving person, I do deserve love and happiness, because you do!
Good Luck To You,
Linda

This story you share about your life sounds all to familair to me. Maybe you should start going to Counseling and help yourself that way. Once you start sharing all the past pains then you will see that you life will seem so much better. Just know that you are not alone on how you feel. We are all here for you!

Welcome!!!