[ToeJam]

TRIGGER WARNING - Self harm and suicidal ideation in post.

I don't really know what to say anymore. Not sure if it is the NHS, whether I don't meet criteria... or I'm just giving mixed signals when talking.

When I saw the crisis team last Monday, I was told they'd be writing a letter to my doctor about the meeting and he'd have it in a couple of days. Well, he got no letter. He asked if I was to see them again and was surprised when I said no. He attempted to smooth the water by saying 'as they know you're seeing a T soon, perhaps they are saw that you'll be getting help that way' and I agreed with him for the sake of pretences... but it sowed the seed = I am not worth the bother. Stupid perhaps to think that way, but I do just feel very alone with this.

There are times I can be clear eyed and talk in a reasoned way with others... perhaps that doesn't meet the expectations of what depressed should be?

I know I can be intelligent and see the logical path of things... but does that mean I walk that logical path? Is the swath of the downward spiral I get when I'm on my own appear invisible because of the way I talk to others with a 'duty of care'?

I am close to giving up... but then I question if that's because I want to cry out and get someone to listen? That I want to stick the finger to the man because they didn't get it? Am I mixing a need for attention with what I think is depression?

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE REMAINDER OF POST

I guess I have an overactive mind and it does cause that sort of conflict. Impulsive thoughts have been manifesting and cutting self harm appears to be on the agenda.... totally stupid, never done that before but it stems from the ideation of a more extreme type of cutting.

It is daft, I'm constantly querying my intent... especially with the latter bit... would I do it in the morning after the wife has gone to work with no chance of finding me, or closer to her coming home so the 'chance' would be there... or even as I hear her coming through the door.

That kinda crap plagues me... I despise the thought within myself of it being a cry and that turns to the danger of me doing something stupid to spite myself, to see it through to conclusion as a challenge.. a dare.

For the few months I've been here, I was walking in a dream... very low and empty. Now I seem clear, agitated and my mind is all over the place.

It's a mess... I honestly do not think I have any purpose in life anymore... the grey monotonous of crap and disappointment is all I see ahead. That any use I can be to others is down to true chance and my nerve at the time.

Sorry, probably lots of mixed things going on in this post and I just can't seem to see the sky for the trees.

[manwithnofriends]

*sending hugs your way*

to be frank there is no longer a place to talk about mental health without it descending into a farce. not even on here. (tried, but the thread got locked)

[Clara22]

Hi TJ
It is upsetting! the system sucks, really, please hang on in there!

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry things are so tough. I can relate to seeming really together even when I say I'm not (and the people I turn to for help only see the mask I wear because it's a preservation thing... if no one sees me fall apart, I can;t get in trouble for it. But then when I need the help, no one takes me seriously).
The system does really suck also...
Anyway, hope things look up.

[waggiedog]

Hi there 'Toe Jam'. I'm sorry you are feeling as you do but I sooooooooo understand where you are coming from. I too am sailing through the ranks of the good old NHS and I'm fast becoming very disillusioned. I'm sure I feel worse now than when I commenced treatment. Just try to hang in here on PC, at least you can PM friends if you need to. HUGS. XXXXXX

[Idiot17]

Sorry, i haven't got any two sense to share. However i do completely understand some of that. Sending good wishes your way. ((((((((toejam)))))))))

[Vossie42]

Hugs from another person who hears ya. Just saw my pdoc today and was totally rational and in control. Then I had a meltdown when I got home. I felt like stabbing myself just to punish myself for being such a screw up. And I felt like taking a hammer to the drywall of my apartment. I managed to refrain from doing both of those as I didn't want to have to explain why I did it.

I'm so sorry you're in such severe distress. Time to put away the sharp, pointy objects and batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. That's how I feel right now.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Is the swath of the downward spiral I get when I'm on my own appear invisible because of the way I talk to others with a 'duty of care'?

Maybe. I would like to think those 'with a duty of care' are discerning types who can see the torment behind our socialised demeanour. Perhaps a few are; the majority are not.

I remember a scene from the first of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books. Ford Prefect is ordering drinks with Arthur at the pub just before the Vogons arrive to demolish the earth for a hyperspace bypass. Adams/the narrator comments on the ability of sentient life forms to 'broadcast' their distress, the force of the broadcast being directly proportional to their current distance from their home planets. Ford Prefect, hailing from somewhere near Betelgeuse, powerfully conveys his anxiety to the barman.

I so wish I had that ability. Our surface calmness or rationality would not lead the professionals astray.

[gma45]

I have no bright ideas, just want you to know that I understand and you are not alone.

[ToeJam]

Blank and empty today, but wanted to post just to as an acknowledgement of the replies above and say thank you.

Not sure how I’ll feel or think later today, tomorrow.. next few days but thanks to all that tolerate my expressions on these boards and the allowance for putting into text what is going on in my head. In many ways it is a release of pressure in the steam pot.

So, thank you… I really appreciate the support, it does help prop me up as I stumble

[gayleggg]

Hope today improves for you. Thinking of you.

[Vossie42]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

So, thank you… I really appreciate the support, it does help prop me up as I stumble

Hey, that's what we're here for. And feeling empty can be a good thing sometimes. I find that while I don't feel good when feeling empty, I don't feel bad either. It's a blessed break from the roller coaster ride.

[ToeJam]

Going to continue with this thread rather than cluttering with something new

Well, the thoughts and confusion came back kinda mid afternoon... and been gradually increasing to the point where I'm just exhausted.

Have just been mildly amused in a black kind of way... I'm sure it's not their fault and it's either staffing or they are very busy (it is a voluntary service brought in to ease the load on mh teams)... but the phone number the crisis team gave me to call for when I just need some practical support and advice from 'trained' people (whatever that actually means)... kept telling me they were busy and then cut off... when it finally rang through... it went to voice mail and I had that awkward moment of 'what the hell do I say?' so just left it at name, number and that I'd probably be snoring at some point in the near future (prob the meds kicking in).

Looked at it logically as perhaps they had no one in tonight (highly probably) but by the same token I keep thinking of it as a sign as to why am I bothering?

Meh.

I don't know... everything I do seems painfully redundant.

[Clara22]

Thank you for sharing

[ToeJam]

Not sure if I should be sharing, perhaps I perpetuate things by thinking too much... but during those stages I can't switch off.

Right now I’m not thinking… just a kind of warm daze. I don’t feel happy or sad, just not much of anything.

Very tired and sluggish.

I prefer these times... I just want to sleep but that's not a bad thing as such... just want to let the warm daze wash over me.

[caseygirl]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Blank and empty today, but wanted to post just to as an acknowledgement of the replies above and say thank you.

Not sure how I’ll feel or think later today, tomorrow.. next few days but thanks to all that tolerate my expressions on these boards and the allowance for putting into text what is going on in my head. In many ways it is a release of pressure in the steam pot.

So, thank you… I really appreciate the support, it does help prop me up as I stumble

I for sure give my support and thoughts are with you, for I am in this same spot also. My past also found me attempting si, and I berated myself for not even able to accomplish that.

As far as being able to express oneself on these boards, yes, thank goodness. Society out there pounces upon us with anger and disbelief how we could do such a thing to our family and friends and whomever we have hurt and left behind. How could we even conceive the notion to ending life? Hmmm, if you've never walked in the shoes of someone with depression then keep your opinions to yourself and not judge.

I could go on and on. I had a blog once which I closed, maybe I should open it again as I touched on so many issues regarding mental illness, writing articles and posting articles.

Thinking about you. Stay in touch.

[ToeJam]

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentioning the 'aftercare' of an attempt.

Originally Posted by caseygirl

As far as being able to express oneself on these boards, yes, thank goodness. Society out there pounces upon us with anger and disbelief how we could do such a thing to our family and friends and whomever we have hurt and left behind. How could we even conceive the notion to ending life? Hmmm, if you've never walked in the shoes of someone with depression then keep your opinions to yourself and not judge.

Great post and I fully relate to the part I just quoted. In many ways I think that I stall myself with what you mentioned 'the pain it would cause to others'... because I'm not totally insensitive to the impact it would have, but it's a battle when the irrationality and impulsiveness kicks in.

During my first attempt (there were 2, so many years ago) I recall being brought into A&E by the police (was already in a peeved mood about that as I certainly hadn't invited them to pick me up) but the Doctor (not affiliated with MH) who took me in was of the mind you speak... basically berating me for my actions... telling me that the dose I'd taken was no where near the dose needed due to the type of painkillers they were and essentially scoffing at what he saw was as an attention ploy. I just sat there staring at him... didn't see the point in justifying myself or even mentioning that it certainly wasn't my intent to be in his care at that time. When the MH team took me in, I realised it was pointless hiding things, so I handed over back up reserve tablets that I'd kept hidden in my pocket in case the first lot didn't work and gave the prior dr what I guess was a penetrating look.

No idea if he realised or even cared that he hadn't shamed me.. that I knew he had no idea what this **** is like, having to live with it at what are times of day in and day out... but it worried me how his words and arrogant assumptions could impact upon others who were much more sensitive to criticism than me.

Ironically, I had taken one of the things he'd mentioned to heart which took play in my second attempt - quantity and type.

I hope it's ok to mention the above... I certainly am not advocating si... but just outlaying my own experience with some of the 'care' we receive.

It put me off talking to the medical profession regarding depression and my mental state for approximately 15 years... it was only last year after realising that my marriage was likely to breakdown if I didn't do something about it that I finally bit the bullet and went to my GP, who bless him is a lot more compassionate than I expected.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...I'm not totally insensitive to the impact it would have, but it's a battle when the irrationality and impulsiveness kicks in.

How true!

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...the Doctor (not affiliated with MH) who took me in was of the mind you speak... basically berating me for my actions... telling me that the dose I'd taken was no where near the dose needed due to the type of painkillers they were...

<sarcasm>How nice of the doctor to educate you on how to better accomplish your aim...</sarcasm>

Originally Posted by ToeJam

...I finally bit the bullet and went to my GP, who bless him is a lot more compassionate than I expected.

What a relief! Compassion counts for much.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by Rohag

<sarcasm>How nice of the doctor to educate you on how to better accomplish your aim...</sarcasm>

Nice face palm emote!

Looking back on it as well as acknowledging how I've grown and matured since that time... I still oddly find humour in that whole experience. Might be strange to consider 'an attempt' funny and perhaps it might be the cynical and appreciation of black humour in me... there was just quirky things that happened during that whole ordeal that I can't help but chuckle at when I think back on it. The blatant ignorance of some... the odd conversations I had with other patients at the hospital... and my Dad majorly stepping up to the plate in both stopping me (which was quite clever on his part) and the chats we had afterwards.

If anything if really helped which was a surprise as up to that point we were pretty estranged (I'd hardly spoken to him in 4 years).

Obviously, it just one of those stories that I can't really share with people that haven't been there... it's not exactly a dinner conversation "Oh and there was that time when....." tumble weed rolls by

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

How true!

<sarcasm>How nice of the doctor to educate you on how to better accomplish your aim...</sarcasm>

What a relief! Compassion counts for much.

[Clara22]

TJ
If it does not harm you, I would like you to continue posting here, it is so helpful to me (and others. I guess). I have a lot of problems expressing my feeling, even representing them, acknowledging them, or even noticing them, that it is very helpful to see writings of other people. And it is very encouraging seeing your commitment to getting better, you are doing all your part.
Because I am a visibly disabled person, I am getting all sort of comments, all the time, from very unsophisticated people and sophisticated ones alike. Some comments are too insensitive and rude, others are subtly bad. People do not know what the hell are they talking about. I do not care if they are doctors with one hundred diplomas or not, they just do not know what they are talking about. I am so sorry you are facing this type of comments, too, the only thing I can say is we have to endure.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Clara )))))))))))))))

Originally Posted by Clara22

TJ
If it does not harm you, I would like you to continue posting here, it is so helpful to me (and others. I guess). I have a lot of problems expressing my feeling, even representing them, acknowledging them, or even noticing them, that it is very helpful to see writings of other people. And it is very encouraging seeing your commitment to getting better, you are doing all your part.
Because I am a visibly disabled person, I am getting all sort of comments, all the time, from very unsophisticated people and sophisticated ones alike. Some comments are too insensitive and rude, others are subtly bad. People do not know what the hell are they talking about. I do not care if they are doctors with one hundred diplomas or not, they just do not know what they are talking about. I am so sorry you are facing this type of comments, too, the only thing I can say is we have to endure.

[caseygirl]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Going to continue with this thread rather than cluttering with something new

Well, the thoughts and confusion came back kinda mid afternoon... and been gradually increasing to the point where I'm just exhausted.

Have just been mildly amused in a black kind of way... I'm sure it's not their fault and it's either staffing or they are very busy (it is a voluntary service brought in to ease the load on mh teams)... but the phone number the crisis team gave me to call for when I just need some practical support and advice from 'trained' people (whatever that actually means)... kept telling me they were busy and then cut off... when it finally rang through... it went to voice mail and I had that awkward moment of 'what the hell do I say?' so just left it at name, number and that I'd probably be snoring at some point in the near future (prob the meds kicking in).

Looked at it logically as perhaps they had no one in tonight (highly probably) but by the same token I keep thinking of it as a sign as to why am I bothering?

Meh.

I don't know... everything I do seems painfully redundant.

Sorry, but had to grin at your experience with the trained/untrained distress help 'people'. It brought back memories and I've gone that route also. Sometimes I've felt as if I've ended up helping them, or so it seemed as I tend to lead the conversation. I just find it so uneasy for someone on the other end to just not say anything and have me babble my brains out with hardly a response. Then I think, "I'm not really making sense here", and I want to end the conversation and think, "this was a waste of time".

I don't know what I was expecting, and the one time I did call when very sui, I was on for a very long time and very exhausted, I decided to finally hang up. A dreaded mistake, and an understandable result, as the 'phone person' had no choice but to call the police.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))
Thinking of you

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))
Thinking of you

Same here. Hoping for some heartening success in the near future.