Sigh.. the lonely path

Ok, had a moment of stupidity today... not proud of it but it happened. Basically, the thoughts became overwhelming after a trigger at work. Was ever so close to doing something I'd regret so decided to knock myself out instead by taking some of my anti depressant pills over the dose. Had done research and knew the toxicity of these particular pills weren't likely to do long term harm or anything. Called the crisis line during this time to get some practical help and advice as well. Advised them what I'd done and stipulated in very strong terms that it wasn't an attempt, I was actually trying to avoid one and needed to speak to someone with training to try and bring myself down.

It worked and the lady I spoke to was quite good and gave me some helpful tips as well as narrowing down some of the current things I'm doing. She was not concerned (or at least didn't appear to be) about the od... which I'll be honest was a calculated low dose on my part, was no actual intent involved in it other than trying to sedate my mood.

I'm pretty annoyed with myself now that I've woken back up, but by the same token it's demonstrated that I need to put some changes in place which includes considering the suitability of me working where I work (is a pretty miserable atmosphere there).

Call it what you'd like, but I have an entirely similar plan (using my antianxiety med) worked out with input from my psychiatrist.

My opinion: you handled that situation as well as anyone could. Your effective mutual communication with the crisis line folks reflects well on you and on the specific individuals you contacted. This is its own kind of success story.
It's hard and perhaps scary to consider, but at least thinking about such a change may get creativity working in your long-term favour.

TJ, you're teetering too close, you realize that don't you. I was there before too. Get more help other than the crisis line please.

I was angry that it didn't work out as planned. Just think, imagine being angry for having an illness.

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Originally Posted by Rohag Call it what you'd like, but I have an entirely similar plan (using my antianxiety med) worked out with input from my psychiatrist.

Yeah, I know. Ironically it transpired after the call with crisis line that the dosage for sedation on the medication I take (mirtazapine) works at the lower dose of 15mg (my recommended dose right now is 30mg)… when you go above that, apparently it wipes out that sedation. Not sure how reliable that tip was as I was bloody exhausted and slept for most of the afternoon.

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My opinion: you handled that situation as well as anyone could. Your effective mutual communication with the crisis line folks reflects well on you and on the specific individuals you contacted. This is its own kind of success story.

It had a calming effect in so much as I was actually able to talk to someone who was clued in. The advice given was of questionable value… or should I say, it had value.. but I’m going to need to put changes in place and for that I need the energy and motivation (catch 22)

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It's hard and perhaps scary to consider, but at least thinking about such a change may get creativity working in your long-term favour.

On the + side (as I’ve mentioned before), the wife has stated that she will support me if I was to lose my current job… now I don’t exactly want to ‘lose’ the job… but I certainly need a change of direction. This will take some consideration and a lot of chats with the wife. She has a basic idea of what happened yesterday but I was not in the right place to have an in-depth chat at the time.

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Originally Posted by caseygirl TJ, you're teetering too close, you realize that don't you. I was there before too. Get more help other than the crisis line please.

I’m well aware that yesterday was particularly bad… I was goading myself hard on my way home from work and in retrospect it was a hit/miss situation. Problem is, I have no where to go for extra help… or at least it doesn’t feel that way. To go to the Dr would be seriously uncomfortable… I’m reclusing hard at the moment and (the strong) part of me doesn’t want the attention lable attached.

I guess in some ways I am giving up and letting the flood come in. I am fighting it, otherwise I wouldn’t be typing here (obviously).

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I was angry that it didn't work out as planned. Just think, imagine being angry for having an illness.

Not hard to imagine, I am angry. That is the state my depression has taken me of late. Furious with myself for feeling this way, furious with my neediness, furious with how I must appear to others, furious that I don’t seem to have anywhere to go.



I don’t mean to rant.

Holding this all inside is literally "killing" you. Asking for help from a doc or pdoc is not attention seeking. Toss out pride and own up that you can handle this yourself, cave in and seek out help from someone on the outside. Meds for depression is not always the answer (nor is ECT, believe me I've had too many), but therapy has assisted.

You stated before that you are still working, well pat yourself on the back for that. Dragging oneself in to work and putting a smile on one's face while living with depression is a true feat. I just couldn't smile anymore and had to give up my career.


The hopelessness that I feel presently; sitting at the bottom of my black hole looking up at the light and wondering if I will ever get there again. I've done it before, but I'm too tired right now to climb the ladder and I will hold on for a while and sit in the mud.

I don’t mean to rant.

You are not ranting. Ranting is a negative. My toxic mother rants.

BANG

A hard hitting post and I had to consider how to respond.

Well in part, I have reached out for help... and I am seeing a T on the 5th of December. Part of the issues I've faced have been the inconsistency of the NHS which we have in the UK.

I was first put on the books of a T about 2-3 months ago and even then I was climbing the walls... things were getting worse and worse and I ended up being told by my GP to see him weekly. The wife had been taking time off of work to come to the Drs with me as she knows me well enough that I'm the kind of guy that would Sheldon smile



and not actually tell the Dr anything. My medication was changed and my GP has essentially been trying to fill in the gap while I wait.

Well about 2 weeks ago I went for my first appointment with my new alleged T. I turned up 15 mins early to compose myself... and waited. The time for going in came and went... and I almost walked out... the Wife had come along for moral support and nudged me in the ribs when I started muttering about it being pointless. 20 mins after the appointment should have come the receptionist came over and apologised saying they just got a call from the T's group managers advising she'd called in sick.

Well, it all fell apart from there and I was booked in to see the GP immediately (the t sessions are held at my doctors) as well as being booked in for a different T 3 weeks later.

So it's not that I haven't accepted that I need help... I've just been waiting 3 months while climbing the wall. In this down time I've had virtually no one to talk to... so I apologise if I wasn't completely clear in the above post.

As for being at work... it's weird with the way that I interact. I find that when I'm being social... or even cracking a joke (which I can do now and again).... I start to get a weird headache at the base of my skull/brain that increases and increases till I just have to go quiet.

The reduced hours I'm on for 2 weeks have been a blessing, as come to this point in the day and though I seem quite capable of typing... everything else is zombified.

A blurry line separates psychology from neurology. Have neurological issues come up in discussions with the doctors?

Not really no. I've mentioned these things to either the T or dr... voices, waves of warmth, the increase of pressure and pain at the back of the head... but nothing is ever said... or it's shrugged off as anxiety. It's weird with the latter as I can't say I feel anxious when I'm talking to others... I just get pain.

Makes me wonder if they are right.. or it's inconsequential (they would know.. being professionals?)... or they don't know so they just brush over it as quickly as possible.

With the latter am I therefore creating the problem? worrying over something that isn't important... or isn't explainable... or is just too abstract to talk about.

I'm just rambling but meh.

Well back to feeling nothing again. Went to some church bazaar that the wife is involved in... Stayed for a while, smiled in the right places.. But door is open, lights are on, yet no ones at home kind of thing. Just feeling like an automation surrounded by automations.



Better than anger/misery so might as well party to that :sarcasm:

I wonder what percentage of people suffering from depression master that skill...

Hi

Well, after the calculated od last week, I’ve been idling in neutral gear for the past few days. Been getting strange nerve pangs (as in actual nerves.. of the trapped variety).. primarily down my arms and spine at the base of my head… but to this point I’ve had no energy to speak to my GP (guess I’m beyond caring right now). I see him on Monday, so I might mention it then.

Seeing the T tomorrow… and I guess I should somehow prepare for that.. but all of the stuff I’ve written prior seems inconsequential… I just don’t feel anything at all, nor have the energy to care.

How often has this happened to me. I slowly "evolve" an idea of what I need or want to say to a doctor/pdoc, and when the opportunity comes I've no mental energy to bring it up.

Depression...
This, of course, is something to try to report.

May your mind and will work together when the opportunity arises, ToeJam.

It ain't pointless. ((((hugs))))

(((((((((( TJ ))))))))))

Sorry, removed that little moment of upset thanks for the messages.

Thanks Rohag, I hope so too... Will see how things go tomorrow and will report with haste

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow. I hope it goes well and you have a good T. I'll be a pocket rider if you need one.

Good luck!

Felt like a colossal waste of time both for the T and myself, was obviously not in the right place for it today.

Not sure what I was expecting… certainly not her fault… but do I really want to talk or deal with this anymore? Kept asking me what I wanted out of these sessions as if it was I that sought out to speak to someone (was the Drs idea) and perhaps there is the crux of the matter… have I just relinquished ownership of depression or my own desire to do anything? Was just thinking throughout about the point to any of this or the energy to fight. Gave her the perhaps weak lame arse answer that it’s affecting my relationships and work (no **** Sherlock) and if I’m to keep going, I need to smooth those parts over.

Mentioned that primarily it would be lovely to just flick a switch and start off fresh… but yeah, that’s just fantasising and not much she could respond to that.

Was handed a risk assessment to fill in before we even started… and she quizzed me why I had left out answering the ‘scale 1-10’ likelihood of me acting on si intentions… what could I say? I have no idea how I’ll feel later today.. be that the next 5 mins, 5 hours etc… I obviously haven’t done anything yet, does that mean I ever really intend to? Just seemed like a stupid generic question… no idea if I satisfied her with my reply… she brushed over it and moved on.

Turns out she’s a cbt T (had that kind before, with mixed results)… and said it’ll take approx 4 sessions till we actually get somewhere (my next appointment is in a month…….. great) or we conclude that this kind of therapy isn’t going to work for me… she gave up on the idea I have anxiety issues after giving me some home work task where I was to pin point my reaction to certain situations (for triggers)… I had looked at her quizzically, reiterating that I feel nothing and don’t care what others think anymore. So now I have to pin point times in the day and note down my moods.



So, here I am sitting here at work… writing this rather than work (such a rebel) .. still empty and lost in the depression.

Not really the outcome I was hoping for (some miracle fix perhaps)… but that’s the way the crumbs fall.

GP session on Monday…

Hi TJ,
I have a question for you. For you, is the gender of the T important? And, gender of your T is something you are allowed choosing or that is not possible in your system?

We have a mild choice dependent on availability. Saying that I prefer female Ts probably for totally subjective reasons... Women tend to be more agile of mind when it comes to multitasking and since more often than not I'm all over the shop that can be useful. + I'm not a fan of arrogance which has been my experience with blokes and I can't be arsed being combative.

It's good you spoke the truth about how you feel and your lack of feeling, even if the T had trouble processing the truth.
A negative result would be progress.

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Originally Posted by ToeJam ...now I have to pin point times in the day and note down my moods.

Oh, bother. Something interesting might rise from the exercise, though.

Also, I prefer Ts that are female. In this case, maybe she could not handle things this time

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Originally Posted by Rohag It's good you spoke the truth about how you feel and your lack of feeling, even if the T had trouble processing the truth.

The latter part was a concern… where I am right now, it would be preferable to have someone who is on the ball and assertive rather than appearing like a deer frozen by headlights… her approach was disjointed and gave the appearance of ‘having read a manual’ rather than having a lot of experience… (she may have qualified recently, I just don’t know)… That may sound terribly arrogant on my part… I just don’t know… but there was no empathy nor spark of insight coming from her direction.

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A negative result would be progress.

I agree if I look at the long term… but right now that long term is looking just that ‘long’. An appointment once a month = at least 4 months till she comes to that decision. No melodrama intended with the following – as things are going I don’t know if I can hold on that long

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Oh, bother. Something interesting might rise from the exercise, though.

Yeah, I’ll attempt to keep it updated and if anything use it for self analysis.

Spoke to my supervisor at work (he's suffered from depression himself), in plain factual ways... he's aware I don't talk about feelings and hate melodrama.

Gave him a low down of yesterday and without great detail told him about the fight I’m having over fixation on ideation.

I said that as it stands I’m in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation… I fight, but I’m just getting wishy washy treatment… which is being contra’d by the thoughts that the only way anything will be done is if I just give up fighting (Didn’t use the suicide word, obviously)… which I acknowledge as a very dangerous game to play as I know pride would stop me calling for help if it got to that point.

So yeah, currently feeling screwed… I fight and feel like I’m doing this alone because the health care system in this country is crap if you’re in that middle ground – and end up being miserable for possibly the rest of my life. Or I just go with the f it route… and see where the cards fall.

He advised that I be honest with the Dr on Monday and let him know that I’m totally unsatisfied with the treatment given so far… that it’s leaving me with no benefit to my well being… and no hope.

Thoughts?

Edit: after some reflection, and that's all I really have now... I've come to a conclusion regarding the risk assessment I mentioned yesterday. Sorry, I am angry/frustrated/lashing out... however you want to label it.. I know that but yeah anyway:

It was purely for the purpose of covering her own arse. She didn't appear to give a crap, nor wanted to go into detail of how strong the feeling of SI are... she just wanted to be able to tick a box that said she didn't think I was going to do anything there and then. Truly, that is all I feel like right now... some faceless statistic... so what if I don't want to keep feeling like this and want some immediate help... as long as 'professionals' can tick their little bureaucratic red boxes that insinuate they gave care to what ever 'standards' they need to meet... then they can happily wash their hands.

I feel so lost, frustrated and angry right now... and its all for nothing... I might as well be shouting on the moon.

That is no reflection on you guys... I relish chatting to all of those that have crossed my path and chatted... but when it comes to concrete help, from the professional side of things I just feel like I'm getting jack ****.

Most regrettable and frustrating and infuriating.

I'm glad you had a frank discussion with your supervisor. Your doctor does need to know. All is not well in health care land; deny them any appeal to ignorance.

Aside: Recent insights from my pdoc on his medical bureaucracy