[povman]

I've been living as a shut-in off my parents for the past 4+ months. Beyond that I've lived as a shut-in off and on for 2+ years spread out over the past decade or more. I've failed to get a degree, dropping out 6 times! I've had 2 jobs during this time and quit both due to anxiety and depression.

I feel a LOT of guilt, self loathing, and some anger.

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The idea of this thread is to list the things you feel guilty for. THEN to list the things that you feel angry about. These are specifically meant to be counterpoints to the things you feel guilty about. So not just anything that makes you angry but the things you feel you've had no control over, ways in which you feel you have been wronged.

Let's vent it all out in the open. Try to pin it up so you can read it then try to divest ourselves of this baggage!

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I feel guilty for "using" my parents all these years. I'm 31 and live like a 12 yr old.

I feel guilty that I never became the man I was "supposed to be" - successful, in a relationship, owning a house etc...

I feel guilty that I've used so much of my parents money. We aren't poor but it seems at times all I've managed to do is be a parasite.

I feel guilty that I've never made anything of my strengths, photography, math skills, writing potential etc.

I feel guilty that I haven't been a better son. That I haven't been a stronger person

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I feel angry that my parents tell me they love me and want me to be whatever I want to be. They tell me they'd be happy so long as I'm happy. And yet they clearly have an ideal that they really wish I was. I see disappointment in them that I don't live up to this. I've been flat out told by my mother since I've failed so many times that I should try to be a truck driver. Not that this is a BAD thing to do by any means but because in her mind that's all I can do. Well it's sad that you have failed so much, maybe all you can do is flip burgers. Not that it's verbalized but it's clear that's what she thinks.

I feel angry that my mother never showed me enough affection while growing up. She's always been somewhat cold. My parents NEVER abused me and always loved me but they had difficulty showing it at times. My mother rarely reciprocated deep feelings of love and affection. We held hands and were close but I can't ever remember being hugged or kissed once.

I feel angry that my parents tell me that on the one hand they accept me for who I am. That they would accept me no matter what I was or did. And yet they are constantly telling me to lose weight. They couch it as being for my mental and physical health, which is TRUE and they mean this. I have absolutely no doubt that they mean this and I know it would be better for my health. But I also see great disappointment and an inability to accept me IF I chose to BE this way. It's for your health, we don't wan't you to die young, we worry about you etc.. All true. But I can tell that they also couldn't accept a fat child if that's what the child wanted.

I am angry that my parents never sorted out the emotional problems between the two of them. Instead I've had to grow up in a household where certain 800lb gorillas just remain unspoken of. Money, my mother feeling inferior to my father, my parent's aloofness, you just don't bring these things up unless you want a huge fight. Did it ever occur to them that this has had SOME impact on me growing up? In many ways I wish they had divorced early on as they clearly don't really love each other any more.

[Sam2]

Life isn't always what you would hope. I'm fifty and have to borrow from my parents who are 80. I didn't go back to college until I was in my late twenties, having started and dropped out more than once. It can be embarrassing, and definately makes you feel guilty.

When I finally went back to college, and stayed there, I emerged eight years later with a veterinary degree. Three years after that, I was hit with a chronic pain condition that leaves me isolated and barely able to work. Every time I e-mail my parents for a "loan", I feel like throwing up. I live with a friend, without whom I would be on the street. When people come over, I hide out in my room.

There are a lot of things in life that can stop you in your tracks. It really doesn't matter if its physical or emotional. As long as well live in a society that expects us to be independent and looks down upon those of us who can't seem to live up to expectations, we are going to live with a certain amount of guilt. I do understand your anger and disappointment. There may come a time when you are able to break free and go forward, but even if you can't, you aren't alone in your situation. It feels that way, and the self loathing is hard to kick, but keep trying.

Sam2

[Marla500]

thank you Locut0 for posting this thread. I have been feeling really guilty lately because I haven't been very productive, the house is messy, bordering on actually dirty and I've been late in paying the bills. I've been struggling with depression for several weeks and it's hard to get anything done. I really am not a lazy person but that's how it feels when I look around me and I'm embarrassed if someone comes over. if I am angry about anything, its that I am codependent and don't make the kids help me.

[povman]

Thank you Sam. Indeed knowing that I am not alone and connecting with others in a similar situation to myself has made all the difference of late and given me strength I did not know I had.

Originally Posted by Sam2

Life isn't always what you would hope. I'm fifty and have to borrow from my parents who are 80. I didn't go back to college until I was in my late twenties, having started and dropped out more than once. It can be embarrassing, and definately makes you feel guilty.

When I finally went back to college, and stayed there, I emerged eight years later with a veterinary degree. Three years after that, I was hit with a chronic pain condition that leaves me isolated and barely able to work. Every time I e-mail my parents for a "loan", I feel like throwing up. I live with a friend, without whom I would be on the street. When people come over, I hide out in my room.

There are a lot of things in life that can stop you in your tracks. It really doesn't matter if its physical or emotional. As long as well live in a society that expects us to be independent and looks down upon those of us who can't seem to live up to expectations, we are going to live with a certain amount of guilt. I do understand your anger and disappointment. There may come a time when you are able to break free and go forward, but even if you can't, you aren't alone in your situation. It feels that way, and the self loathing is hard to kick, but keep trying.

Sam2

[povman]

Originally Posted by Marla500

thank you Locut0 for posting this thread. I have been feeling really guilty lately because I haven't been very productive, the house is messy, bordering on actually dirty and I've been late in paying the bills. I've been struggling with depression for several weeks and it's hard to get anything done. I really am not a lazy person but that's how it feels when I look around me and I'm embarrassed if someone comes over. if I am angry about anything, its that I am codependent and don't make the kids help me.

I can relate. You should see my room!

But know that you are not alone and that lacking motivation, even to do the simplest of tasks, is but the hallmark of depression and has NOTHING to do with laziness.

I can relate to your anger too. I very much codependent with my parents, and them with me. It's very unhealthy and one of the reasons that I know I need to move out of the house as soon as I'm emotionally able to.

Many of the feeling you are describing are shame rather than guilt. The difference according to shame researcher Brenė Brown is that guilt is a feeling about action and drives us to change or act in some way positively. Shame is a thought about who you are and drives us to hide away or get angry and defensive instead of changing.

For example:
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I feel guilty for "using" my parents all these years. I'm 31 and live like a 12 yr old.

Guilt... You can do something about this starting now. In fact you are by acknowlegement.

I feel guilty that I never became the man I was "supposed to be" - successful, in a relationship, owning a house etc...

Shame. "Supposed to be" is a judgement about yourself and a comparison to others. This is not an unworthy state of being. What is successful anyway?

I feel guilty that I've used so much of my parents money. We aren't poor but it seems at times all I've managed to do is be a parasite.

The shame message is "I am a parasite". You change change the behavior. As long as you believe the message it will be hard to change the behavior.

I feel guilty that I've never made anything of my strengths, photography, math skills, writing potential etc.

Shame. What you didn't do isn't important. Where you are going is.

I feel guilty that I haven't been a better son. That I haven't been a stronger person

Shame. "I haven't behaved as a good son." Would be guilt. Acknowledge as you are now the behavior and you can do better going forward.
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[Clara22]

Thanks a lot for your post
I used to feel guilty because I became disabled due to a car accident and this changed my parents' lives
Also, I used to be angry because they should have know better. They allowed me going to a badly organized mission that ended in an accident, I used to think they were careless, mostly my mom who was so cold and narcissist.
I no longer have those feelings. I am not sure how I did it, best description could be "acceptation".
Currently, I often feel guilty because I could have handled better the illness of my mom(who recently passed away). I was not in a good shape and could not respond as I am used. Hope I will feel better soon.
Again, thanks a lot for the exercise

[tranquility84]

I feel guilty that I am an unemployed 29-year-old who live off her mother and sisters.

I feel guilty that my sisters have to shoulder the debts that I have chalked up but am unable to pay off now that I am unemployed.

I feel guilty and angry for wasting my life away; I had a good education and well paying jobs. Why did i let manic depression take all these away? Why can't I have coping mechanisms like others in times of stress? Why did I let all the problems snow-ball, and not seek help earlier? Why am I not actively seeking help now?

I am so angry at myself for causing my family to suffer, emotionally and financially.

I am angry at myself for being a coward, for hiding at home in complete isolation from everyone. I am angry for letting the depression repeat itself all over again, year after year.

I feel guilty for not trying harder to beat this depression

I feel guilty for lying in bed awake hours before I actually go to sleep, and for lying in bed awake hours before I actually get out of bed.

I feel guilty for not cooking for my husband.

I feel guilty that we've been living in this house for over a year and still have one room that needs to be unpacked/is basically an overflow room.

I feel guilty that my office is a mess but I do nothing about it.

I am angry that this bipolar depressive phase has lasted 5 months so far. I feel cheated out of the good life that I deserve!

Might I add that I'm jealous of my husband for never having experienced severe depression and for all his hobbies and effective life coping skills that I appear to lack at the moment

Ask yourself what caused you to be all those things you feel guilty for. Is it because of your illness? Then is it really guilt or shame? You need to concentrate on the root cause and the rest is possible.

I no longer have those feelings. I am not sure how I did it, best description could be "acceptation".

Right on! In dbt we call that "radical acceptance". It is difficult to do but could help also.

[Martek]

I feel guilty that I have thrown away everything that was ever good in my life.