I have the flu, and hardly anyone cares that I'm sick, wth?

Right now I'm more depressed than usual since my friends and family have shown me how little they care about me by not saying anything about me being sick. Yesterday I went to the Drs. and I was told that I have the beginning stages of the H1N1 flu. A lot of people have died up here in N. Ca from it recently.

Don't worry though, I think that I caught it in enough time to get better. I was given some medication called tamiflu that was really expensive w/o insurance which didn't help matters. My husband seems like he cares about my health since he did get me some water when I asked him to and he told me to take some vitamin C.

Anyways, I wrote an email to my so called bff, a good friend, my sister, and my dad yesterday. I got NO response so far. It's very weird that I got zero response from my so called bff since she is not working at the moment. AND I called her too to tell her that I'm sick before I went to the Drs. a day or two ago! WTH?

I'm so mad since I was there for her when she was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Since then she has told me she had to be hospitalized for panic attacks. It sounds like her diabetes is causing this to happen, I don't know. She was on insulin for a brief period of time, but now that her blood sugar is more under control, she just takes a pill called metformin.

She is going through a difficult time now since she is unemployed, broke, in the process of getting divorced from her cheating lying husband of a year. She can't leave him now since they made a deal to stay together until he gets his green card. That was not her intention when she first married him though. Also, if she leaves him now, she'll have to move back in with her mom which she doesn't want to do.

She used to be a better friend, but not to long ago she said something a bit odd that is making think that she's really just a selfish person who is distancing herself from me. Perhaps it's out of jealousy maybe since I don't have to work, and that I'm married to a better guy who makes a lot more money? I don't know. Hopefully I"m wrong about that.

I'm really hurt by this! It's especially not like my dad to ignore me when it comes to my health! He's home most of the time, so this makes zero sense! We have not been close for awhile, but still, it's not like him not to care about me like this. My mom would worry about me, but that's it. Ugh! Only a few FB acquaintances wished that I'd get better.

Am I expecting to much from other people, or would you be upset too if this happened to you? I'm a great friend and when they're sick, or when they have a problem, I'm always there to listen to them! Even late at night or when they're going over the same old issue for the millionth time! I'm now usually the one who makes the plans to go out! I only have one other friend who might care that I'm sick, but that's it. I have a difficult time making friends due to having issues with depression, anxiety, and low self esteem. I don't get out much anymore either.

My bff told me a few times that I rely on other people to much and she insinuated that I'm needy and smothering at times. She didn't say that outright. I don't think that I am. I have given her space when she needed space and have even been OK with her not talking to me on the phone since she got diagnosed with diabetes and anxiety attacks due to the fact that she told me that she couldn't handle any additional stress in her life as it'd make her feel anxious and it might cause her to have a panic attack.

She told me that it hurts her to hear the pain in my voice when I talk about certain issues, especially with my husband. She then said that she can just communicate with me by email for now. I have suffered from anxiety for YEARS, and I never once got anxiety from hearing about other people's problems, so I think that she is lying about this and that she just doesn't care enough about me to call me when I'm down! I told her to get on meds, but she's sort of against meds in general unless she really has to take them.

I don't know what to think. I'm starting to think that she's full of crap and that she's being selfish. If I ignored her when she needed me, I don't think she'd like that, but it's fine for her to ignore me when I'm sick? WTH? I hardly hear from her anymore by phone. She did call me the other day, but I missed her call. She is doing better and wants to hang out sometime, but she didn't return my call! I don't get her at all! She emails me a couple of times a month at the most now.

Can someone please tell me why she is acting like this and what I should say to her? I need to get this off my chest if she continues this behavior. How can I bring this issue up w/o making her upset and "stressing" her out? Also, what should I say to my other good friend? They have both been fairly good friends up until they got to know about my problems with my husband more. They've both had issues with men in their life. They're both divorced and single now. Aren't friends supposed to be there for you when you're down?

I feel like no one really cares about me and I don't know why as I care about other people more than they care about me usually-

Unfortunately, you must work on your relationship with your husband as he is closer to you than a friend. Friends come and go... and that is a terrible part of life sometimes.

Once you feel better, you can discuss your issue with your friend---a true friend would never NOT listen to you bc you are in pain. That is their job! Their job is to be there and if they are not, you need to be strong for yourself!!!

Talk to your husband, before anything. You live together and you share a life and remember that your problems are not lesser than anyone else's and nobody can judge you for how you feel.

There are a lot of possibilities. Could be you bff could be overwhelmed herself and can't reach out right now. Sounds like she is under a lot of stress and even though you have been there for her, she may not have your strength.

As far as you dad, do you know for sure he got your text. Why not call him? He may not want to bother you while you are sick.

I can remember when I had cancer I had several friends I expected to call but they didn't. Turned out they were afraid of bothering in case I was feeling bad. Even my mother didn't 'bother' me on chemo days. Nothing would have made me happier than to hear her voice, but I didn't want bother her so i didn't call her either. Silly Huh.

And some people just are more thoughtful than others. That doesn't mean they don't care. They just don't show the way you do.

Anyway I hope you feel better soon.

What Gayle said. Your last paragraph sounds like you expect quid pro quo for it's own sake. That's really not a good way to operate and it seldom works out that way anyway. Feel better soon.

Hi
I hope you get better soon! I think your flu is a serious one, like you, I would feel disappointed if nobody called/emailed back to me. I do not understand what happens to our society, it is better to bother people than taking the risk of not providing the necessary help, even if this help is just psychological support. Once you are OK, perhaps you can ask them why they did not call you back.

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Hi Olivia, yeah, I know that I need to work on my relationship with my husband more. He's not the most expressive person, and he is usually quite stoic around me, so I'm not taking this to personally. At least he's helping me out with the housework when I ask him to. He did ask me if I'm still sick and he got me water when I asked for it-

As for my friends, yeah, if I don't hear from them soon, I'll have a talk with them. I just feel like my bff friend especially has been more distant for awhile. I can't help but feel as if she just wants to avoid talking about any issues that aren't really her own as much as possible now. She used to be more caring!

I have given her the benefit of the doubt, but if she keeps this up, and if she keeps on telling me that hearing about my issues will trigger a panic attack in her, I'll call B.S on it as nicely as I can. I have had problems with really bad panic attacks since I was about 20. It didn't get better until I was in my mid 30's. I still have issues with panic attacks, but it's rare now and it's only triggered by certain people and situations. Meds really help!

I'm not stupid, so if she keeps on using the "I can't deal with stress from you since I'll get a panic attack if I do to often", I'll know for a fact that it's a lie. I'm just cutting her some slack for now since she's going through a lot, but I can't help but feel hurt at her indifference. Also, another good friend didn't bother to respond to my email yet and it's day two! Acquaintances are more concerned about me!

Thanks for responding!

I forgot to add, what's so anxiety inducing or hard about emailing, texting, or calling someone to say, hey sorry to hear that your sick, I hope that you get better soon! No one is so busy that they can't take a minute to do that if they truly care about you, no one! It's not like I'm going to bother her with a million problems now of course! I just want to know that she cares enough about me to hope that I get better soon!

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My bff is really overwhelmed for now. So that is why I didn't say anything to her.... yet. This is getting ridiculous. She knew that I'm sick, yet she doesn't have ONE minute to text, call, or email me back to let me know that she cares about me getting better? This hasn't been the first time that she's been thoughtless btw.

As long as I've known her, there has never really been a moment to where she's not overwhelmed or in some family or guy crisis. And I've always been there for her each time. It seems like she no longer cares about me as much and that our friendship has become a lot more one sided. Perhaps I cut her to much slack, and now she it seems as if I'm being taken for granted.

For now I'll give her a little more time to respond, but I've had panic attacks before too, and I've had them for years, so she can't use that as an excuse for to long as I've never heard of anyone being to anxious to wish their friend well when they get sick. It just sounds like an excuse to me mostly. It's selfish IMHO.

Friendship should not be one sided. She told me that she can't bear to hear the pain in my voice over the phone, so it's better for her to just email me now. She told me that she really cares about me a lot, but her actions speak otherwise. This was over some past issues with my husband though, not this, but it seems as if she can't deal with any of my problems now period, ugh!

I'm so sorry to hear about your past struggles with cancer! I'm glad that you're OK now! Also, sorry to hear that your friends and family didn't bother to call you when you were in the hospital! I'm shocked by that! Did you ever tell them how you felt? And yes, you could've reached out to them too, but I can see why you didn't. They should've been the one reaching out to YOU!

Thanks for the well wishes and the cute get well card-

Angie

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I see what you're saying, but friendships should not be one sided. There should be an equal amount of give and take. When someone does nice things for you, and listens to you all the time, but then you disappear on them when they need you, isn't that selfish? I don't think it's to much to ask my friend to take one minute out of her day to show that she cares about me. A quick call, email, or text even would be fine with me.

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Thanks Clara! Yeah, the flu this year is really bad here in N. Ca! A lot of people have died from it, yikes! I'm doing a little better now! Ironically I got more support from my casual F.B friends! Only one good male friend is concerned about me.

I will definitely ask them in person about why they didn't call, email, or text me to show concern as nicely as possible. I'll maybe even make a joke about it and ask them if they ended up reading my email and listening to my voice mail two weeks later or something like that, ha ha!

They have both told me numerous times that sometimes their phone was off or that they didn't get my message until late, or forgot to reply to me. OK....whatever. I can understand that happening sometimes, but all the time? I feel like they're just avoiding me at times which makes me more depressed. I sometimes wonder if they're more interested in being fair weather friends now.

Sometimes people can't even think straight when they are under extraordinary stress- it honestly may have slipped her mind that she has no heard from you for a while because, frankly, it sounds like her life is pretty much falling apart right now.

Is she leaning on you constantly now that you are sick and demanding your time and energy?

If not, it could also be that she has concluded you are both ill and need to tend after yourselves, lest you take eachother down completely.

If you really care about someone, like truly deeply care and love, trust and respect them- sometimes you have to deal with them being selfish because they need to take care of themselves.

People are extraordinarily imperfect and when you accept someone as being a loved one, you accept that sometimes, even often, the "scale" of the relationship will seem completely uneven.

A good relationship of any kind means that you don't do math. It's that you give what you can when you can without sacrificing your own mental or physical health- because if you do that, you are of no use to anyone.

The whole tit for tat idea... if you look at it superficially as in "when she was sick for x amount of time, I did 1,2,3 but she hasn't even done one and I have been sick for x+3 amount of time"... it is guaranteed to breed resentment and create major distance.

It isn't about that and shouldn't be. Yes there will be times when people who care about you and who you care about won't be around to support you in the ways that you need even if they know what you need and really truly want to.

It sucks, but depending on how much you have invested in this relationship, I would attempt to take a broader view.

If she was just diagnosed with diabetes, is having panic attacks and who knows whatever else- that is truly life-changing. It basically means she has to upend her entire life- how she eats, what environments she feels are safe to be in, what she does everyday, and also she has to, at least for now, exercise extreme control over how she interacts with the world and who she interacts with.

A combination of panic attacks and diabetes quite honestly has a potential to be fatal.
I understand that you are also dealing with a lot of stress but ultimately in our social circles, we can spread out what we take and give and it comes back around. If you can't rely on this BFF right now, rely on your husband. If you can't find anyone, shore up your inner strength, spend some "me" time learning about diabetes maybe [I don't know what your personal knowledge is].

Or do something entirely for yourself.
She will break out of whatever issues she is having, but trying to force someone to get their life together, or playing "this is worse than that" or even comparing your anxiety to hers will likely only lead to major conflict.

Investment in a good relationship is not about the short term. It isn't about any kind of return you receive today or this week. It is about long term stability, health, welfare, love... so what you did yesterday may not seem appreciated in a real tangible way until two years from now.

I understand it is really frustrating when you feel like you have done your part in a relationship, but it is also important to consider context and situations and to actually give someone the opportunity to do their part also.

It doesn't sound like your friend is in the best position to be able to demonstrate she is a friend right now.

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Wow Josie, you sure made a lot of valid points that I didn't think about before until now! My emotions get the best of me at times! Also, I have had so many negative experiences with so many people in the past, it's sort of hard to not think the worst of people at times for me.

Anyways, I'm so glad that I took the time to get some honest and insightful feedback before I ended up saying or doing something that might've negatively affected our friendship! I did hear back from her today! She has been busy getting blood tests and other medical stuff done. She said that she'll call me soon.

Also, my dad and my sister did email me back too. I talked to my mom today. She doesn't know how to use the computer, so she only knows what my dad told her. I'm getting a little better. Hopefully I'll be OK soon. When I am, I'm getting a flu shot! Everyone should get the flu shot if they haven't done that already!

I don't know that much about diabetes as far as how it affects people personally. When you say that she has to now exercise extreme control in regards to her environment and who she interacts with, what exactly do you mean by that? I'm aware that she has to monitor her blood sugar and avoid certain foods, but what does her interaction with other people have to do with her diabetes? Does diabetes and panic attacks go hand in hand with each other?

I'd appreciate any information that can be easily explained that you can give me on this topic. You're right about the tit for tat mentality. Like I said, I have just felt like in the past, I have been mistreated and used, so I can't help but assume the worst at times. I'm working on that though. I'll remember what you said next time that happens.

Thanks for responding and helping-