[serenity2298]

Hi all, so I've been on meds now for about 8 weeks for depression mainly and this week I've finally finally started feeling OK, not great but ALMOST happy. I know I will probably go on a downer again but we'll see... But does anyone else feel that sometimes when they feel ok they actually miss being depressed?? Is it the comfort and security of being in that dark place that you know so very very well? Is it that you are not used to feeling happy and suddenly don't know how to handle it? Or is it just not normal? I feel a bit guilty for feeling like this because when I am depressed I want to be ok and when I'm ok I don't want to be ok. Isn't that strange??

[NWgirl2013]

Are you kidding?! I know you aren't but, really?! Don't mind me, I would give a lot to leave the sadness behind forever. It would change my life.
I would like to think that with your uplifted mood you would start to have a bit more energy and get out of your head for awhile, do something different, and follow the happy mood around instead of retreating into the darker place. Enjoy this time, don't be afraid to embrace it! I am so happy for you! You deserve to feel good!
Best of luck to you today as you explore this brighter place...

[serenity2298]

I know it sounds silly doesn't it? It's not that I'm trying to go back to that place because I know when I'm there I hate being there and I'm so happy I'm doing ok at the moment. I think it's just that I'm not used to it cos I was in a dark place for so long on and off though out my life really and it's what I'm used to the most. I think it's a comfort thing I don't know, I must be confused...

I get it. It is a familiar place and that can give us comfort. For me the ad's make me numb. In the beginning this is ok, even a relief but later on I just want to feel. Anything. I've had some horrible things lately and I should be crying or angry but I can't and I sleep instead. It is like those feeling are deep down and caged by the ad. But they're still there. It makes me wonder if I am just delaying the inevitable. If you are used to being down more than up it is perfectly understandable. Maybe even (I dare say) normal.

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[UnderRugSwept]

It doesn't sound silly at all....there is a certain sense of freedom in this new feeling and it's a bit terrifying to feel better because all of a sudden the future is open to you. You knew what to expect day-to-day in the repetition of being "comfortably uncomfortable" when you were depressed. I hope you continue to feel better and are able to take it one day at a time. You'll get there!

[serenity2298]

Originally Posted by Michanne

I get it. It is a familiar place and that can give us comfort. For me the ad's make me numb. In the beginning this is ok, even a relief but later on I just want to feel. Anything. I've had some horrible things lately and I should be crying or angry but I can't and I sleep instead. It is like those feeling are deep down and caged by the ad. But they're still there. It makes me wonder if I am just delaying the inevitable. If you are used to being down more than up it is perfectly understandable. Maybe even (I dare say) normal.

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Thank you Michanne, cos I was beginning to think I was stupid! Because in reality I hate being depressed, we all do..

[serenity2298]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

It doesn't sound silly at all....there is a certain sense of freedom in this new feeling and it's a bit terrifying to feel better because all of a sudden the future is open to you. You knew what to expect day-to-day in the repetition of being "comfortably uncomfortable" when you were depressed. I hope you continue to feel better and are able to take it one day at a time. You'll get there!

Thank you Elswhere, cos yes it's a bit scary too it's different, new routines, new feelings, a lot more expected of you... and you're right I don't know what to expect and I'm also scared of falling down again...

[-jimi-]

The problem is that we need to feel. If we take away dark thoughts and not replace them with other more nuanced thoughts and feelings we are stuck in a void. The human mind hates it. The human mind is always going somewhere. That is why even boredom can feel utterly painful. Feeling not good not bad can be really, really painful. So bad that it feels better feeling bad.

[canyouhearmenow]

I understand this, might be worth mentioning to your doctor.

I took an antidepressant years ago that left me with no feelings at all, I did not feel alive, I did not feel human. I just wanted to feel SOMETHING, even if it was depressed.

[Ragamuffin77]

Originally Posted by canyouhearmenow

I understand this, might be worth mentioning to your doctor.

I took an antidepressant years ago that left me with no feelings at all, I did not feel alive, I did not feel human. I just wanted to feel SOMETHING, even if it was depressed.

That is exactly what is happening to me at the moment. I miss emotion!



Also to reply to the original post, you are certainly not alone in feeling that. I sometimes deliberately seek out depressing movies/books when I know they may affect my mood. There is some sick comfort in sadness. Maybe it's a fear of happiness or normality. I don't understand it either....

[too SHy]

Seize the Day! You see the world in ways that you can't while in the depressive episode. This is how I make sense out of the universe.

[shelbykay]

I can relate. After being depressed for so long, feeling better is foreign. The unknown can be scary and there is comfort in the known, even if that is depression. As you continue to feel better, you can adjust to that feeling as your new normal. Adjusting to a new normal is not necessarily quick or easy...my experience is that it is neither of these things.

[oifsnafu]

Yeah...I get that. When I was younger I think I was little in love with my depression. I romanticized it. It wasn't until I got older and really recognized how much damage it had done, when I could see all the bad decisions I'd made because of depression based thinking, when I had perspective on all the relationships it had destroyed or the other paths I might have taken if not for the depression...it wasn't until later in my life that I came to HATE it.

Depression is a monster. It's deadly (Google "More US soldiers dying from suicide than combat"). It compels adoration only because it's waiting for a moment to rip your throat out. You have to learn to hate it. Be as merciless and unrelenting in your pursuit of its destruction as it is in its pursuit of your destruction. Grant it no quarter, because it will show no mercy to you.

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi

Mind is so ambiguous that it tries to pull you back to your old state which was originally your comfort zone. Don't let it misinterpret your happiness to guilty feeling. Be thankful that you are out of the rut and enjoy the happy feeling.

Feeling better is foreign yes, but I would never ever ever wish to be back in the depths of depression I have been in previously. EVER Makes me think that perhaps your depression wasnt all that deep for you to even consider wanting to go back there. When you have truly been the lowest of lows you would never "want" to go back to it.

[doyoutrustme]

Sounds very familiar, you aren't alone.

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[Helmus]

I never want to go back as deep as I've been in my depression. But I'm not recovered either. I don't want this depression. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate anything else in my life. More and more I start to realize what kind of destruction was caused by my depressive thinking. No, I would never miss that. No way.

[ToeJam]

This doesn’t sound unusual to me. Having experienced long term depression with the spaces in between… I can’t say that I miss feeling depressed when the times of respite are in effect… but I do get nervous about getting ‘better’ when I’m in the dip.

There is something comforting and secure when in that state… very hard to explain as it’s joined by scary notions as well (though they feel like norm and ok at the time).

By that same token, I picked up on a vital bit you said “I know I will probably go on a downer again but we'll see”… it is the worry of the respite being fleating… and the very process of the ups and downs can be confusing and upsetting… in essence we are unsettled in this go between scenario.

From a personal perspective I hate the lack of certainty when things seem to be getting better… I’d rather feel like crap and know 100% that is how things are than go through the disappointment of an up, just to be cut at the ankles and fall over and over.

But that’s part of the battle and as things improve and your balance stabalises… it will get better and easier to manage.

[doyoutrustme]

I can't seem to remember being happy. I've had fleeting moments but they always crash down on me. I'm having trouble even allowing myself to be happy.

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