wanting to quit

i feel like i just want to give up, what is happening to me? i feel like the months i've spent at the clinic have been in vain and im not going to get the hlp i need from them, the medicines are wacky and dont help with my problems.. i dont want to rely on medication, i want to be clear minded again and not have to worry about appointments, medicine, doctors, over dosing and everything

i feel like im just running in circles going to the clinic; not getting anywhere or making any progress, i am extremely quiet and reserved and i feel lke exploring all these feelings and pointing fingers at causes is only making things worse for me.. i just want some relief and im feeling like i should quit seeing the therapist and hide

why is it that we have to take medicine, especially if its not helping..
what am i supposed to do since im lost and not receiving the help i need
how am i supposed to progress when i feel like this
will things ever improve..? i feel totally overwhelmed and drained..
i'm afraid and just want to hide so i can go back to being myself
im afraid of medications changing me , and then becoming dependent on medicines

what am i supposed to do

i dont want to take so many medicines.. why can't i take just 1 pill in the morning?
why cant i just be Rxd a stimulant to stimulate me out of depression and give me motivation and aspiration to move foraward?

i just don't know what to do anymore and feel like the longer i go like this the more confused im getting, the less help im receiving, the harder everything gets

i miss my old self, even if i was depressed severely... maybe ignorance reallly is bliss

when i read this back it sounds so sad..
i just wish i could have some relief, i dont know whats bothering me so much...
i still have nightmares and black eyes

You have a lot going on, no wonder you are stressed and confused. It can take quite a bit of time and trying different meds to find the right ones that help. I'm finally getting relief after battling this bout of depression for over a year. I can't remember the name of all the drugs I've tried, but it is finally paying off.

I only battle Bipolar II. You have a lot more going on. It's going to take time whether through medication or therapy. I'm sorry you feel like you have lost yourself, but I look at it as I haven't found my true self yet. I'm still searching.

Good luck to you whatever you decide,

I think there are times we all get "stuck" in some dark place where nothing seems to help---I hope you are talking about this feeling/your thoughts about the meds/---
Don't know if you are doing other things---often getting a good amount of physical exercise, learning mindfulness techniques (not easy but it does come with practice), and getting involved in some hobby (or learning how to do something new) can help a great deal.
When you are working so hard on so many issues, and trying medications, it can become overwhelming and begin to feel like a bottomless pit as you wait, and wait...
I think it really helps to do something that is Not Waiting, and gives you some more immediate satisfaction/relief, even if just for a while.
Do keep a daily log of how you are feeling and what medications you are taking. In time you will see patterns and begin to see what does and does not work for you---you may find you even have some good days that are forgotten amid the darkness that blots all else out---(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

i was trying to take notes, i did for a 3-4 months but i got to this point where im at now and just dont feel like i can do it :/
it's a horrid pain that wont seem to leave me alone..? i dont wanna write about it anymore ya know, i just want to feel the pain ease off

i dont get to see my pdoc very often, i dont even know when the next appointment is..

im trying to use mindfulness, but im new to it

Sorry you feel like you are not making any progress. That does get very demoralizing. Whenever I've been starting getting treatment somewhere, I am given a paper that lists the Rights and Responsibilities of Patients. One of the things listed there is the right to refuse treatment, or a particular part of treatment. I take that to mean that I can refuse a medication, if I choose to.

I went through a period of being put on a bunch of meds and I became in worse shape. I would get very frustrated tying to explain this to doctors and arguing with them. Eventually, I just started telling them that I would no longer take this or that medication. Now I'm on just one med, that I know has always been helpful to me.

Elevated, You have the same right. You don't have to take any med. Layering on med on top of med is what pdocs do. I think they vastly overestimate the value of medication. Plus, when you are taking multiple meds, you can't keep track of what is doing what. What the doctors "order" are really only suggestions that you can decline. You don't have to swallow a single pill, if you don't want to. Every single med on the market has a downside to it. If you've taken a med for a few months and it hasn't helped, then I don't see the point in continuing it.

I thought my docs were going to get mad at me for stopping some meds. That didn't turn out to be the case. They seem to be no less interested in me now that I'm taking one med, than when I was taking five. You are part of your own treatment team. You don't have to be a totally passive member of the team.

Not to make things sound worse, but I battled with getting the right help and medications for almost 6 years. But now looking back at all that trial and error, I totally think in the end, it's all work but totally worth it. Hang in there. Document. Be aggressive when telling your Dr what's going on. Schedule regular appointments and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF. You will be you again with time. Also, I do have a stimulant in my regiment but you have to be careful. It will shoot you out of depression but it can also bring on manias and psychosis. Plus the low after it wears off, can be so much worse than what you are battling. Reach out to your Dr and be a militant advocate for your health!

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i think thats why i feel so bad, because i wont give myself a break... if that makes sense, i have been trying to attackk this dilema full force for a year now and several months with the help of a pdoc.. feeling as if im worse off just makes me feel more depressed because i've been trying so hard to make positive results in my treatment...
sometimes i wonder if i was better off not taking meds, who knows..

Exercise and activities can be a (pardon the expression) "godsend" when suffering from depression. Even something as easy as walking around your own yard. Remove yourself from the places where you want to hole up and hide. Go venture to a different spot and try to spend a few minutes writing or just thinking of the positive things in your life. If you only have a handful of them, try to focus on them and visualize the good things.

I know that after a year and some months, it feels like no progress is being made, but there is. You're ruling things out, you're trying new things, eventually you'll find something that will work (whether its medication or not).

Write yourself short letters of encouragement and leave them all over your house. So when you're down you're bound to stumble upon one of them, and you can read it and LITERALLY FORCE YOURSELF to think about the meaning of your words.

I cannot stress this enough.... BE VERY VOCAL, AGGRESSIVE, MILITANT, SELF ADVOCATING, AND CRITICAL PART OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TEAM.

Doctors and medications alone are not gonna snap you out of it like you want it. Hard work, dedication to yourself, and patience is going to make a big difference. Be active in getting well. Start with arranging an appointment to dump this all on your doctor. Write him a note if you feel you'll stumble on your words or won't get your point across. If you write it ahead of time, you don't have to be nervous, scared, dejected, or worried when you go into your appointment. If it comes down to it and you feel you can't vocalize your needs, just hand him the note.

But please, give yourself a break! Give yourself some love, even just a tiny bit will make a difference.

im trying to self advocate, i have a real big problem with speaking up though.. i never complain about anything and find it really hard to talk about things that cause me discomfort..? im trying to get intouch with the clinic so i can schedule an appointment to go over my treatment and hopefully get some things straightened out.. at this rate i was doing much better by myself before they started poking me :/

i appreciate the replies and support

I'm right there with you!!!! We have to take it one day at a time. If we stop our meds thing WILL get worse. Tell your doc EVERYTHING and ask for a second opinion at another facility -that kind of puts the fear of god into them. Explore all possible benefits like disability from the govt. Start a mood diary to track events, meds, feelings, diet etc. most importantly, keep coming back because we all understand

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I know all about clamming up with the doc. I still do it. If it's too long between appts, call the office and tell them you are getting worse and NEED to see the doc ASAP. Sometimes I bring my power of attorney person to advocate for me it used to be my mother now it's my husband

I often feel I was better off PM -premeds- but rationally I know my episodes would have been much worse without.

This illness is very complicated and every person presents differently, reacts to meds differently. In all my research I have found that those with BP have high IQs; genetic and environmental factors and a causal event; we are survivors unlike any other. Please don't give up and I won't either

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thanks, i try to have my mom go with me but sometimes it feels like she doesnt know exactly whats going on with me either; i try to explain things to her but i guess i just suck at explaining whats going on with me

Have her speak with your doc. There are myriad books, websites etc about our illness

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I love you. We're all brothers and sisters in this world. If you think no one cares you are wrong. If it hurts you in someway it hurts us all. This is such a loving place and if no one else gets it, these people do. I'll help you any way I can. Just know you are loved and valued. Don't look at the big picture. Just find a bit of joy in today and try to relax a little. Try to think of 3 things you are grateful for and think on that.

I used to keep a mood log years ago and I started doing it again. Every morning I write down how I slept, my appetite, how I think I am reacting to meds ect ect. I walk in each month and hand it to him and he reads the whole thing. This has worked really well for both of us. I can never remember past the last week, I am nervous, won't advocate for myself ect. It gives him a very true picture of what is going on.

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Last year I spent 6 months in a very severe depression. Basically spent six months in bed, suicidal each day. I went through the motions of treatment but basically gave up all hope that anything would help. One day a switch went off in my brain and I snapped right out of it and felt great. Lasted 4 months and then I was back to my normal moderate full time depression cycling in and out of severe. Now I at least have regained some hope that I can find a way to manage it. It is very frustrating I know.

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