[mulan]

I hate not being able to feel, worst I hate not being able to feel sad or be true about what I think and what I feel about myself.
I got some moments alone and I thaught I wanted to cry, and that I should cry, but that doesn't happens many times. I never know what combination of words will make me cry, but when it happens it's unexpected and sometimes all that thaughts came at once, and I can't stop.
When I start to not feeling sad I think that I should feel that way. I don't know if I can't explain it but it's like you have no reason to be like this, depressed people don't behave like this, you aren't still a good person, you should hate yourself. Being somewhat sad for me means that at least I'm true to myself. When I spent long times without crying I get anoying, I feel restless and min.
The most interesting thing is that everytime I went into my doctors office and I talked about me I started crying and I couldn't stop to talk. My thoughts get even more stucked when I don't cry for a long time. And then I start to think that I am a normal person when I am not. I know when I cry I feel more true to myself.
That's it I feel a little narcisist when I don't feel for a long time and I wonder if I am this way, I feel like bragging myself. The interesting thing is that I hate that, I hate me for hating people, I hate me when I am min, I hate me when I am heartless. It's stupid but I want to feel that my life is pointless, which it is, in order to feel more real and stop the "bragging" anoying thoughts.

[Clara22]

What is a normal person?

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

What is a normal person?

I forgot to also say this post is really stupid.
That's that question...I think it is like asking someone what is beauty... Of course there is a concept, but there are limits beside wich you pass the normality. From what I know non normality begins to be problematic when it interferes with one person life...that's when being unnormal becomes a disease. And for me, my way of being terrible interferes with my life and my happiness. It's just I'm constantly forgoting how I am and how I think.
Well, even the boundaries to be a normal person are not well defined, over the years, I created this concept of the person I want to be. And I hate not being like this, perhaps I would acept me not being like that if I still could had meaningfull relationships with people and I could avoid the unconfortable silences all the time. But I really wish to be a good person, one of the ones who feel empaty and can help others. It's just that I've been calling min and selfish since I know myself and I perceived it as a wrong thing. But it is a wrong impossible to change thing.
When I was a little kid and I was atentive to my parents behaviour to know how I should behave I knew I wanted to be like my father and I didn't want to be like my mother because she was emotionaly could and distanct. As about my father he is very smart and knows a lot about everything so I guess I put my standards very high. I would not say I'm not smart (it use to be the only thing I had), but as I seen the world, other people opinions and soo... I'm always getting to the conclusion that I am not good enough.

I think you're wrong. In acknowledging that you wish to be a good person you're already working towards a path that puts you into a person that you can be proud of. I also think it's very important to realize that everyone is selfish to some degree and mean as well but these sorts of facts about ourselves are not solid and we are always capable of changing them. Slowly yes but they do change. Plus, from what I've seen of you on this forum, I've seen a nice caring individual who is trying hard and having a rough time. So please be a little gentler with yourself. Your depression is really eating away at your emotions ): It's not you.

You are most certainly good enough. If you look closely at your parents they have plenty of faults of their own that you have learned from and are excellent at. Sure you might not think you're good at making meaningful relationships but that just means you haven't had enough practice yet. The only reason why I have some of friends is because a few years ago I gave up feeling embarrassed for trying to talk to people. And the only reason why I succeeded about 15% of the time was because I had had a lot of practice in high school since I'm really extroverted and need friends to survive. I've tried to be friendly recently and I can't do it very well because I'm out of practice. It is difficult to make relationships so don't get yourself down over it. And you have plenty of skills I'm sure so don't let yourself beat yourself up Hell, let yourself brag a little. It's better to have some sort of ego than none at all.

[Clara22]

Hi Mulan,
Thanks for answering my question. I asked you about normalcy because i have read you talk about normalcy before and i was curious about your idea of normalcy. To me, it is not exactly like the concept of beauty, but you are right, it is quite similar. There is a normative or scale and it is externally determined. We could discuss years about it but to me the most important thing is that you observe and realize your behavior and thoughts and feelings behind it are not similar to the behavior, etc of the majority of people. So, you are sure there is something wrong with you, mostly at social level. You said that you did not want to be like your mom, who seems to have some social issues, as well. Do you think that you can have inherited these issues from your mom? I am asking you because my psychiatrist told me that in me there was a tendency inhereted from my mom. Ok, hope you feel better and i look foward being in touch with you

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi Mulan,
Thanks for answering my question. I asked you about normalcy because i have read you talk about normalcy before and i was curious about your idea of normalcy. To me, it is not exactly like the concept of beauty, but you are right, it is quite similar. There is a normative or scale and it is externally determined. We could discuss years about it but to me the most important thing is that you observe and realize your behavior and thoughts and feelings behind it are not similar to the behavior, etc of the majority of people. So, you are sure there is something wrong with you, mostly at social level. You said that you did not want to be like your mom, who seems to have some social issues, as well. Do you think that you can have inherited these issues from your mom? I am asking you because my psychiatrist told me that in me there was a tendency inhereted from my mom. Ok, hope you feel better and i look foward being in touch with you

Hey thanks...I really think that people on these forum, at least some of them are really great and caring. I don't want to boring people with my problems, but thank you for being here.
Just answearing, I just hope I didn't inhereted these traits from my mother, it is one of the things that I have been avoinding to be in my life. But sometimes I think that, that I can be way worst with people than my mother (I mean socially akwardness). But it's not just by watching and having my mothers example, my father can be way to emotionless some times and mean to people...I think I has some issues in controling is anger. He is also shy, less than my mother but he is, he is just good in hiding it and he learned to not care about it with time. But both of them are pretty isolated people in what respects being with others...I guess it's not a good example to grow up with. They don't have friends...also it is pretty great to know that my mother is chronically depressed with paranoid and squizoid traits...it was writen in her disability letter by my pdoc. Sometimes life at home gets really annoying, but it was worst in the past. I use to think that I didn't care and my way of being was my folt. This is getting to long but I'm going to say just one more thing. My pdoc (that is my sister pdoc, was my mother's and my father's pdoc!) thinks I have a personality issue. I tried to figure out what she may would think and I have some inclination that she thinks I'm also something between squizoid and psycho...I hope she doesn't think this, but from what I told her she never really could guess my social issues from the way I see them. I've been getting to the conclusion that I might be this way because a malfunction coping mechanism. I get the conclusion that I feel unreal since ever and that felt always somewhat normal to me and I daydreamed a lot, much more that I wanted or I should since ever. I almost feel that I have created for me many alternative lives and the only one that's unreal is my real one. Sometimes is way to hard to not mix them, it is like I wish I had my feet on the ground.
Well, I thanked the ones who read this until the end.

[mulan]

Originally Posted by keeprolling

I think you're wrong. In acknowledging that you wish to be a good person you're already working towards a path that puts you into a person that you can be proud of. I also think it's very important to realize that everyone is selfish to some degree and mean as well but these sorts of facts about ourselves are not solid and we are always capable of changing them. Slowly yes but they do change. Plus, from what I've seen of you on this forum, I've seen a nice caring individual who is trying hard and having a rough time. So please be a little gentler with yourself. Your depression is really eating away at your emotions ): It's not you.

You are most certainly good enough. If you look closely at your parents they have plenty of faults of their own that you have learned from and are excellent at. Sure you might not think you're good at making meaningful relationships but that just means you haven't had enough practice yet. The only reason why I have some of friends is because a few years ago I gave up feeling embarrassed for trying to talk to people. And the only reason why I succeeded about 15% of the time was because I had had a lot of practice in high school since I'm really extroverted and need friends to survive. I've tried to be friendly recently and I can't do it very well because I'm out of practice. It is difficult to make relationships so don't get yourself down over it. And you have plenty of skills I'm sure so don't let yourself beat yourself up Hell, let yourself brag a little. It's better to have some sort of ego than none at all.

Well, I just think I could pick in many points you make and make you realize that's not quite accurated. I will not do that, let's be gentle on me. But I would really wanna know where my feelings are hiding (if it is in depression, if it is in something else) sometimes it's really frustrating trying to help my sister, trying to being cute with my two little cousins (which are cute and nice kids), I just get some sort of thing out of now where to be there for them, but sometimes I just wish everything was flowers and rainbows, because I just can't stand hear and care about others problems. If it is changeble (???) or not I don't know because I'm trying since ever. I get it, I get that no one can be nurturing all the time too everyone but I really envy the people that does that. I grew up in my very jugdmental (???) family, so not following that same path is really hard. They made me learned that first you have to mistrust other people. I don't think it's quite accurated and I try to be open minded and first understand the diferent points of view...I try there are many times I'm just critical as anybody else in my family (lovely), but I'm allways changing my point of view...so I many times don't have one. I wish I could be independent from the criticism, my I find myself making some choices because they think so...whatever I have to grow up.
About friends, I could made new ones until the time I was 11 years old. When I went to high school I found myself totaly alone, I was integrated in a group of nice girls, I like their personality, even I didn't consider any of them like a friend. That was something missing on me and it still is. The feeling distanct thing. Now I feel I don't belong anywhere because there are to kinds of people in my class the outsiders (I group of very strange boys that I'm done of being with and the party ones, with their restrict group, that shares a lot of intimacy and party a lot (very demanding for me and they did push me aside so...). I'm in the middle, I am trying to mingle in some new groups but it's pretty hard for me since everybody is so outgoing, and knows many cultural things, and had travel a lot, and have a lot of connects...My friends choices were allways those people that were not superior to me and that wouldn't judge me. But it always feels like I am making myself be underachieved. I'm a country side girl, who as a lot of issues. It's just hard, I don't fit anywhere. Really in order to not be alone I had became friend (in the past) of people mentally retarded (not being mean here)...really I can't grow up with "friends" like those, but know I can't feel close to anyone, at least I have my brothers, which I can't feel close with either.
I think it's enough. I just was letting my thoughts flow a little bit. I don't demand any answear to this. it became real long. The good thing is that none of you will ever met me in the real world. It's fine being virtual, in fact it feels more like me.

[Clara22]

My psychiatrist told me that one gets some tendencies, but also there is modeling, I mean, we see how our parents behave and we take those patters. But that then we can do something to modify ourselves, that is why there is therapy and there are meds, among other stuff.
At least you are intelligent to perceive there are some shortcomings you want to change. It is worse when one does not realize there is something one should change or at least try. You feel unhappy and you want to do something about it, I think this is good. Normally, I read your posts, and I like them, even they are sad, because you seem to be sincere and self-conscious. I do not think that your posts are boring, at all. Sometimes I do not replay to them because I do not know what to say. I believe you will find the way to be happier. You are a young woman, you need time and the right assistance. But, i do not know, I believe you will make it

[mulan]

Originally Posted by Clara22

My psychiatrist told me that one gets some tendencies, but also there is modeling, I mean, we see how our parents behave and we take those patters. But that then we can do something to modify ourselves, that is why there is therapy and there are meds, among other stuff.
At least you are intelligent to perceive there are some shortcomings you want to change. It is worse when one does not realize there is something one should change or at least try. You feel unhappy and you want to do something about it, I think this is good. Normally, I read your posts, and I like them, even they are sad, because you seem to be sincere and self-conscious. I do not think that your posts are boring, at all. Sometimes I do not replay to them because I do not know what to say. I believe you will find the way to be happier. You are a young woman, you need time and the right assistance. But, i do not know, I believe you will make it

Thanks, specially the last part. I don't know either, I just hope it so much. I don't think I'm sad, sometimes I am some times not, maybe I just write when I'm down, or write makes down. I wish my parents had the self awareness to realize that they were behaving like their parents. But they didn't I don't blame them because I know they love, even sometimes their way to show it is pretty strange.

One of the most common symptoms of depression is becoming much more "numb" to your emotions. I consider it more of an "auto" mode. But yes, I can understand that your mind is going through so much stress that it's shut down some of your emotions to help and listening to other people's problems can be super triggering and you're dealing with your own problems and so it's taking up all your energy. Which makes it really hard to listen to other people problems. Please don't get down about this. For a long time I couldn't process anyone else and didn't feel like listening to anyone either. No one can be nurturing all the time without destroying themselves slowly.

Your family's choices will always affect you when you're younger. But the most important part is that you're trying. You're working on it so give yourself time to grow But yes, I sometimes find it hard to differentiate my choices from my parents but that's because we're still young.

It's a really sad feeling to think you don't belong I get it a lot too. Especially here at college. I don't really know where I belong and the people I hang out with currently, I know that the friendships I have with them won't last and that it's all circumstantial. I feel distant from them but for me it's extremely important that I have friends otherwise I spiral back down into really deep depression so I try my best to be friendly. But it's really difficult. I suppose the most important part is that this world has so many types of people that you'll definitely find people you can be close to. And also, the most important part is that you are comfortable and happy. Don't worry about underachieving because if you're happy you'll do your best. Especially with being lonely, don't view yourself as selfish when it comes to making friends. I'm sure you were very important to them and they appreciated the friendship.

And please, I promise we'd probably get along really well in real life But I'm glad you feel like yourself online