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  #1  
Old Mar 02, 2014, 08:58 PM
20broken17 20broken17 is offline
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I was wondering is it normal to constantly be thinking about death, my death? It isn't always suicide but most of the times it is. I don't understand exactly why I feel like this. Things aren't too bad right now. I should be happy, but that is all I can think about. I actually had a panic attack because of these thoughts a few days ago. I feel out of control, kind of crazy.

Last edited by FooZe; Mar 03, 2014 at 01:05 AM. Reason: added trigger icon
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  #2  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 06:51 AM
Idiot17 Idiot17 is offline
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i don't know whether it's normal or not to constantly be thinking of death but i
do know you're not the only one thinking so.
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  #3  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 07:40 AM
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Curupira Curupira is offline
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As far as I know suicidal thoughts are pretty common for depression but you should address them with a therapist. They will be able to help you stay away from the danger zone and get out of the funk.

Good luck
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  #4  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 08:00 AM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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I often think I would rather be dead. Sometimes i just wish I would get cancer. Pray to god that i would just wake up dead without being suicidal. just would rather not live. i am not afraid of death. hellava way to be but I get just plain tired of battling.
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  #5  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 08:06 AM
Anonymous100115
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Thinking about death often doesn't really fit into the word "normal" but it's definitely common among us--I know I think about it a lot too. Although there is definitely a difference between thinking about death and being suicidal. If you feel like it's starting to get out of control I would really suggest trying to get some help to cope with these thoughts.

Best of luck!
  #6  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 04:27 PM
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East17 East17 is offline
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You're definitely not alone in feeling this way. It is the first thought when I wake in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night.

I guess if it is taking over your life and becoming overwhelming, then maybe time to get help with these thoughts, but if it is something you can cope with, then just accept it as being part of you.

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  #7  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 04:54 PM
20broken17 20broken17 is offline
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Thanks. I got to a therapist but I don' t really want to mention it because I know they will tell my mom. I don't want to worry if it isn't so serious. I also feel like it's kind of embarrassing. I feel like a freak because I want to die but I have everything that i need to be happy in life, but I'm not. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and the increased my dose on my medication so hopefully that will help.
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  #8  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 06:32 PM
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shabur shabur is offline
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I think about my death often, too. I believe in heaven and believe it is a much better plane than in this one so why would I want to stay here.
I was in the hospital for a medical condition last year, They had me on dilaudid. The nurse came into my room with my next dose. Shortly after she left I felt extremely, but pleasantly, tired so I laid down and within moments was out. I woke in the ICU. The nurse gave me 4 times the dose. I stopped breathing and was unconscious for about 8 hours. Since that time I think that would have been a really nice way to go. What if they came in a minute too late?
  #9  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 06:57 PM
20broken17 20broken17 is offline
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Thanks. It really helps to know I'm not alone. I do see a therapist but 1. I am not really comfortable with her and 2. I don't wan't to tell her because I know she will tell my mom and I don't want to freak her out and worry her. I also feel like I'm such a freak because I have everything that I need to be happy but death is all I think about.
  #10  
Old Mar 03, 2014, 07:01 PM
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Akua Akua is offline
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I think about death all the time also, but I don't think of suicide. With nothing to look forward to, nothing to care about, happiness isn't so happy anymore, wishing it will go away and it never does. The days just pass by, with no motivation, in darkness (my "schleprock" syndrome). I just tell myself to take it day by day and watch the time pass by...hoping it will change someday.

Hang in there! We are all in the same game of life. I just wonder if hell is on earth?
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  #11  
Old Mar 04, 2014, 08:33 AM
Anonymous100108
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I think for those of us in full depression - yes - thinking of suicide on a pretty much everyday basis is not uncommon.

Not exactly ideal either. But not uncommon.
  #12  
Old Mar 05, 2014, 11:18 AM
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shabur shabur is offline
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20broken17 - Things that should make you happy are just things. They can't change how you feel. They can't take away your depression.
Knowing that I have been suicidal, my T almost always ask if I am. In the beginning I would say no, but then one day after leaving our session I felt guilty that I was lying by omission, so I emailed her and told her that while I wasn't suicidal I did think about it often. She replied "thinking and acting are 2 different things". But she would like me to let her know when I was thinking about it so we could talk about it. She didn't feel I needed to be hospitalized again.
I do have a strong relationship with her and I am an adult so I have HIPAA on my side. I haven't given her permission to talk to anyone about my condition, and if she did she would risk a malpratice suit and potentially her license to practice.
Assuming you are a US citizen, if you are 18 or older you are considered an adult and therefore you are protected under HIPAA. When you first met with your T did you or your mother sign the HIPAA agreement? Talk to your T about your privacy rights. You may be surprised.
It sounds like your mom is a pretty good mom. She recognizes you have a mental illness that needs treatment and she is doing what is best for you. Hearing you say she would freak out tells me how much she loves you. There are many moms out there that would leave their children flounder, telling them to get over it. You are very fortunate she is there for you and loves you.
Either way, I encourage you to talk with your T through this period of depression. If you are still age of minority you could tell your T how you are feeling and ask if she needs to tell your mom. If she does you could ask that she do it during one of your sessions so that your T can explain to your mom what is happening, you can hear what your T is saying, you can say anything you want to say and hear your mother's concerns. The 3 of you could come up with an agreeable plan if things should become worse.
You're mom really cares about you as does your T. They all want what's best for you. Try to trust them.
When I have something difficult I need to share with my T I always write down what I want to say. That way I'm sure I say everything I need to say. I know if I can't say it she can read it.
Quick story - I don't have much of a relationship with my mother and I made sure she didn't know anything that was going on with me. I was in treatment for 9 years and had several physical conditions that required hospitalization and even surgery and she knew nothing.
I changed my Pdoc, for reasons I will not go into, and through many sessions she finally convinced me to tell my mother. It took me a while to write down everything I thought she needed to know and went over it with my Pdoc. I had her come to one of my sessions and I read exactly what I wrote. I deferred most of her questions to my Pdoc. I still don't have a much of a relationship with my mother and I don't know if I ever will. I know somewhere in that woman she loves me; I am her child. And I know somewhere inside me I love her, she gave birth to me.
You are your mother's child and SHE LOVES YOU DEARLY. Please ask for the help you need. PLEASE!!!
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