[wounded1]

When I first met my husband "Mike" five years ago, he told me about a time when he was 21, he was drunk and wrestling around with his best friend "Bob". His hands ended up part way down Bob's pants, but nothing happened. He admitted to me that he wished something had, and had sexual thoughts about Bob afterward. Mike never had a homosexual experience, but says he has thought about it often. He says he's had fantasies about men, but it always involves a woman as well, a threesome. Since we've been together, he fantasizes about me in these scenarios. In the time we've been together, Mike has never had a close male friend. There was "Vince", a mutual friend we met through work (we hung out with him and his wife occasionally), but their relationship consisted mostly of golf and going out for a beer a couple of times. Mike admitted recently to having had sexual thoughts about Vince as well.

In the last few months, Mike has been getting close to another one of the male ("heterosexual") managers at work, "Dan". They text or talk on the phone almost every day, always business related, but usually involving some teasing. Last week I read a text from Dan, which sounded like he was fishing to see if my husband was interested in him. ( The reason I read my husband's text messages is that he had a three month long online, text and phone relationship with a woman in another state that ended seven months ago, and I'm still suspicious of him. Long story, centering around his depression, but Mike promised he would go see someone, and did - exactly five times. He isn't getting the help he needs. We haven't made it to marriage counselling yet either, but things have been OK.) Mike was quiet for a couple of days after reading the text, and I knew why. I told him I thought he was gay. He said he thought Dan was just joking around, but admitted the text threw him for a bit of a loop, he's had sexual thoughts about him as well. I told him last night, after reading a particularly witty exchange between the two of them, that he was treading in dangerous waters. I think if he lets himself get too close, he could find himself falling for Dan. He said I was being ridiculous, and I told him we don't choose who we fall in love with, it just happens. The only way to avoid it is to not get close.

Now let me say for the record, if my husband is gay, not much would change for me. I love him, we have two kids together, and make a great parenting team. I would just suggest a marriage where we stay together, but do our own thing. Truth is, I don't think he's gay at all, I think he was molested as a child. He vehemently denies it, but explains everything, his depression, his self loathing, his attitude towards his parents, his need for "quick fix" feel good things (like buying new trucks when we can't afford it), and this new "sexual identity crisis". He hasn't had any sort of relationship with his paternal grandfather since he was a teenager, and flat out hates him, so I can bet where it came from. (There are other indicators as well.)

My questions are these: Since we don't have a lot of money right now, I can't afford to send him to a good psychologist, and although I've directed him here, he's only visited once. How do I help him find the truth of who he is? Has any man out there survived through their own sexual identity crisis? Have any women had signifiant others who have? Where do I go from here?

Any input, thoughts, or suggestions will be greatly appreciated, and well received. Thanks for "listening" all!

wounded1

hi wounded.

i can admit that i went through a very brief stage of wondering whether i was gay or straight but that has passed and i know i am straight. it must have been due to my age, because i am only 19. i used to find myself having sexual thoughts about men rarely anmd i always felt dirty afterwards, almost guilty. this may be have been due to the fact i had only just began dealing with sexual abuse i suffered 9 years ago. i dont really know the answer. but these thoughts passed and i only get sexual thoughts and fantasies about women now.

about your husband, i think - from reading your post - i know what it is. you say he hated himself and had depression a little while ago, which may be due to a possible sexual abuse. there are 2 elements involved here: 1: the self-hatred & depression, and 2: the sexual abuse. the self hatred he suffered is now causing him to seek attention, he needs attention to feel happy, and unfortunately hes getting it from a hetrosexual man. your husband needs the attention to feel good, so when anyone gives it to him, he begins feeling things for them, sexual things. whether they are male, or female, it wont matter to your husband because he thrives on the attention. because this "Dan" is giving your husband this attention, Mike is warming to him and enjoying the attention. hence the reason mike had a "thing" with someone 7 months ago. its all about attention, i really dont believe its about sexuality, as your husband would have come out as being gay many years ago.

the abuse you think he suffered in his younger years will make him fantasise about sex. its natural. often, people who have suffered sexual abuse sometimes feel as though they enjoyed it, and they sometimes fantasise similar situations. luckily i havent experienced this, but i know it happens. so your husband may be experiencing this right now. and if he was abused years ago, and has denied it ever since, it means he hasnt dealt with it properly and that will only make things such as self-loathing worse. which in turn will make him seek attention from anyone who is offering it. male or female.

if i was you, i wouldnt worry as to the sexuality of your husband, mike. i would focus on letting him accept himself and feel good about who he is, because once he does feel good, he wont need the attention he so desperately needs. now im not saying you dont give him any attention, obviously i cant judge. but the attention he recieves from you will never be enough if he feels this way about himself. he will ALWAYS seek it from others, and it could lead to 3, 4, 5, maybe more people he fancies. to me it seems he does it just so he feels good about himself, and he probably hates the fact he feels this way towards men, but he is drawn to it.

he obviously loves you very much, otherwise he wouldnt be married to you, nor would he have kids with you.

re-consider the therapy for him, not necessarily marriage guidance as i dont believe there is a problem with your marriage. by the sounds of it you two make a good parenting team (as you say) and you two obviously love eachother (you wouldnt be on here asking for help if you didnt love him) so there doesnt seem to be a problem with the marriage. he just has issues that need to be addressed for him to feel at ease with himself. so ask him if he wants to see a therapist. this will make him drag out the issues he has, including both his possible abuse and his self-hatred he has to deal with daily. i am sure things will improve after that as he will accept himself and will be able to drop the negative feelings he has for himself, which he tries to mask by grabbing any attention he recieves from anyone.

hope this helps. im not an expert on this, far from it. but i think he just has issues from his past that needs to be fixed before he can move on.

you sound a wonderful wife, wounded. keep strong for him and keep making him feel loved. and along with therapy, that should help him settle down and relax more.

hope it all goes well and i wish you all the best in the future.

simon

[LMo]

Oh, nooooo....

First of all, this has to be very painful for you. I'm really sorry.

I don't know if I advocate hypothesizing about him being molested, but it does seem that you have some cause for concern. I applaud you for initiating open discussions about it. Provided you don't make accusations, if I were Mike and if I were struggling with my sexuality, I would feel comfortable (under the circumstances) talking to you based on the way you describe your conversations. Sounds like you're doing the best you can, and going about it in a way that seems fair (despite your pain).

As much as I'd probably do the same in your shoes, I am not of the opinion that it is your job to bring him to terms with "the truth about who he is". If he hasn't been active seeking help, despite the resources you provided, then he just isn't ready. Think about what a huge step that has to be for a man who has always identified himself as heterosexual. Although my ex-husband questioned his sexuality at times, the way I can relate to your question the most regards my (permanent) husband, who has refused to talk about or speak to his father for the past 17 years. As much as I know that there is unresolved hurt that he carries around, it is just NOT my place to push him to resolve it. He'll do it when he's ready. I'm a 'fixer' and it sounds like you are too, but in my case it would just be hurtful for me to push it. Your case is a bit different because it definitely impacts you if he decides to pursue gay relationships later rather than sooner, and he does sound as though he has a hard time with emotional fidelity. That being said, I can't say I would do much differently in your shoes.

I don't know -- it's a really tough call. Has he been evaluated for bipolar? He doesn't exactly sound bipolar, but it would be something to consider.

Good luck to you

[(JD)]

Remind him that depression tells us lies. That he has unresolved issues of the past, along with doubts about who he is, and the depression, imo that all could add up to his gender identity issue.

I think he would be wise to not act on his feelings, any feelings, while he is depressed. It could be the events of the past that cause him to think he might not be heterosexual, and nothing in actuality. He wouldn't want to seek other's attention and then regret it once the depression, and the issue, is resolved, right?

When something so important as another person's life is at stake, such as his depression causing such horrible feelings, how can you NOT get therapy, at any cost?

[wounded1]

Simon, I just want to say thank God for your words. You make so much sense, and seem to understand exactly what I am dealing with. Sky and LMo, thank you to you both as well. I knew that coming here would be helpful, and I was right. You all make me understand that he has to want to get help, and will do it in his own time. However, some of the the behaviors resulting from his issues are extremely hurtful, and although I have discovered just how forgiving I can be in the last year, I hope help doesn't come too late. I love him, and yes I know he loves me, but I want him to be happy within himself. I truly believe that it's the only way we can have a 100% open, honest, loving marriage.

Thank you again all.

wounded 1

its an honour to help. it really is.

i have one more thing to say on the matter. i was thinking about it last night after i replied to your post and i had a kind of phrase in my head that i thought id like to share, maybe it will help you understand your husbands situation. i will word it best i can:

your husband, being hetrosexual, is comfortable having friendly banter with people, both men and women. he is happy doing so and it isnt classed as flirting or as a come on. but if he has this banter with a gay or bisexual man, that man could assume and interpret it as flirting, and because they are gay, they think your husband is coming on to them. so they advance and flirt with mike. so mike likes the attention, but he sees it as friendly banter back, so he enjoys it and continues to have the banter. allt he while it is giving the gay or bisexual man the message that mike is coming on to them when in actual fact all he is doing is have friendly banter which is being interpreted as flirting. which it is to a certain extent but nothing threatening to your marriage. do you see what i mean?

simon

[Boopers]

Hi Wounded,

What a spot your husband has you in. I am so sorry for this.
Does your husband realize what he will be giving up? I hope he thinks this through. He may think he's miserable now but he could become much more miserable if he plays out wrong.
I'm wishing you all the best,
Linda

[wounded1]

Thanks again Simon. You've really opened my eyes to my husbands "attention seeking" issue. I guess I always knew it was there, but you've connected the dots, so to speak.

And thanks to you too Booper, you're right, my husband has tested everything I am made of in the last four years. He has made me question my choices, and compromise my self respect, but I stood in front of friends and family and took very serious vows, and I intend to try to make this work until I've run out of options. I owe at least that much to myself, him and the kids.

Thanks so much to you all. I will keep you posted.

xo
wounded1

[desirae]

I will have to say that this situation is difficult and complex, there cannot be a cut and dry solution...it will not work. I think ultimately this is all leaning back on your husband. You cannot be his savior. He has to choose what/where he needs to go in life. It would be devasting to break up a family over a sexual desire, shallow and stupid. I would make that clear to him. If he decides he is gay, or even bi sexual, there are things you could possibly work out to keep him satisfied if you're willing to do that.

If it were me I would give him a certain amount of time to make up his mind. I would say you deal with your crises and when you figure it out I will be here. You cannot pressure him into swaying your way or to make the decision quickly. If it's done in that manner it will be done incorrectly, he would be unsatisfied and possibly go behind your back to find what it is he is seeking.

Be clear that he can come to you with anything, tell him you would not loose respect for him as long as he is honest.

I hope it all works out for you and your husband, I really do.