[LadyDragus]

Hello all, it has been a very long time since I hve told anyone on here how I am doing except for the few posts I have made in a few fourms in the past few days.

It has been very hectic here, these past few months, after bryon matthew was born, he was digonased with Acid reflux, and it has made it very hard to take care of him as he cry's a great deal, and also trows up a great deal.
When I am not taking care of him, I am asleep as I do not get much at night. He sleeps very little and when he does it may be at 45min intervals..

I just have not felt like talking to a whole lot of ppl I have not really even posted on my own site about what is going on, I have not posted on my best friends site, as I do not know how to talk about how I am feeling, or how to say the things going on in my head.
One of my issues is my ex he is letting his daughter my middle child get away with what ever she wants to down there, and I have to suffer the repcrussions here, at home. I have to constatly tell her NO NO, jess that is not the way we do it. I also have to constatly tell her she can't run or jump in our home as we have a 95 gallon fish tank in the living room where she is used to playing and getting her way ever weekend. She is a wonderful 4 year old, but she is so confused, with how to act here and at home.. I do not like to yell at her, or spank her all the time, but he leaves me no choice, as she is spolied down there all the time. With the holdiays, coming up, it isgoing to be very hard on me as I cant afford to get her all the stuff, he is getting her.
We did get her some presents, and I hope she likes them.. It just breaks my heart when I see the tears in her eyes, from me yelling at her, it makes me think of my past and it scares the hell out of me, am I turning into what I do not want to turn into. This is one of the things, that bother me the most.. I am scared, of being something I never wanted to be, when I was growing up.. I do not like to spank kids, I do not like to yell, but lately that is all I am doing to everyone in my life. My husband is getting the brunt of it lately, and it breaks my heart to yell at him when I know he has did nothing to deserve it.. Oh i'm so screwd up I cant handle much more of this.
*** may trigger some sorry****

Over the last few months, I have been fighting my Post partum deperssoin and also, I have been fighting the urge to cut,( the urges are so, hard to fight, I want to do it so much, but I know if I do, I wont stop at just one cut) or do something worse, I just have not been myself lately I have been so moody, that I dont even like myself. I yell more than normall, and I am stressed way beyond my capbilties of handling it, I do not handle stress well, I normall react by walking away, but kinda hard to walk away from the kids when they are what is stressing you out.

I'm sorry this is long, but I felt like I needed to get it out or I was going to explode.. sorry

Oh well i'm rambling now, sorry for being so long

LD, i'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with the new baby and hope that his acid reflux will go away......my oldest had that and it was a nightmare.

i can totally understand about your problems with your daughter being spoiled at her dad's house. my youngest stepson was so hard for me to handle and we were at odds a lot. after he was in his 20s, he told me that his mom put him up to acting out at my house so we'd be in upheaval a lot....i know that this isn't the case with your daughter but i do understand how hard it is to discipline a child who gets to behave differently at the other home. you are not a bad mom. you're a new mom who is suffering from PPD and tired and cranky.

don't worry about the Christmas presents. kids usually end up playing with the boxes and wrappings more than the actual gifts..........love, pat

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry that things are so overwhelming for you right now. Please take care of yourself. You are not a bad mother. It must be very hard trying to contend with so much. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I wanted you to know that I am out hear listening and caring. Please be safe.

[nothemama8]

Lady D, we have more than cookies planed for you and the children.this has turned into a group project here in Erie

[LadyDragus]

oh nothemama, you dont know how much that means to me..
I'm crying right now as I get more support from ppl I do not know that well then the ones I talk to on adaily baisis..

You all mean the world to me..

[LadyDragus]

see Pat, I actually think they do tell her to act out that she does not have to mind me as when i ask her why she has to stop and think what should I say, not just because she gets to do it a "meme's house.. this is what she has said in the past.. so I'm not so sure they are not telling her not to act up. I know sometimes her father does get upset at her when he is here, bt in some ways I think he is putting on an act for me. I do not belive he really cares how bad she acts up here as if I am in a state of "deperssion" all the time I will need them to watch her more often.. Which I hve not been doing..

i dont' know anymore

[LadyDragus]

the kindneess you show is enough sweetie trust me.
and with all you have going on i do understand

cookie day tomorrow in Texas.......we be baking!!!! love, pat

[LadyDragus]

thank you my friend.
I do apperciate it.. more than any of my words can say

[Boopers]

Hi LadyD,

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. Wow, post pardom depression. That takes me back alot of years ago. I remember how depressed I was. It was horrible. So, even though it's been many years ago, i do understand.
It sounds like you have your hands full with the four year old. Even though it hurts to make her mind, dont stop. Some day she will "get it" and it will get better. But, if you give up, she will be running your house.
I know a little about four year olds as I have two four year old grandchildren. They are very precious but also would take over my house if I let them.
I do hope things will get better for you really soon.
Take care of yourself first, then you can take care of the rest.
Linda

[LadyDragus]

I try to take care of myself, but I just do nto have the ? do to it.
I am lost right now and I do not know if I want to be found