[sparkely88]

Im.a very spiritual person, I do believe we go somewhere anazing when we die least I hope. Ive noticed thoughts like this for years every year it gets stronger. Im not one for a pity party. in fact I love putting on a fake smile and a very bubbly personality for everyone. The real me lives a very dark cold lonely life every single day. I give amazing advice, im the best friend you've never had, ill sit beside you if your sad until you feel better, im funny, im beautiful, and I see life very different then most. I cant kill fruit flies because I think they need to live tio. This is my personality that most know, what they dont know is the endless battle of pain and suffering I experience daily!!! Unfortunately I have very SEVERE form of ptsd abd can not go.on medication so I have been trying natural ways to help me. I have never told anyone what im writting because I dont like to bring people down. Im 27 this year im very confused about where im going in this life, and who I even am. It feels as though im a crazy person with way to many issues, if I tell my bf of 3 years I fear he will leave me, the fear is huge! I just dont know anymore! Sick of being sick. Its strange because the only time I feel happy is while drinking. I dont drink alot but when I do its peaceful. Thanks for reading, have a beautiful day everyone. Im writting this on my phone please excuse the poor grammer lol

[kaliope]

hi sparkely
i am sorry that you have to struggle in secret. that must be very painful. i thought i could never be fixed either, but i am in a much better spot than i was. finding a therapist that specialized in trauma was the best thing ever. i would recommend it. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[sideblinded]

sparkely88 Hello and welcome to PC. I am sorry to hear about your feelings of suffering alone. I think it is time to be honest and seek some help for yourself. There is no shame in what you are experiencing. PTSD is very difficult to manage all alone with your thoughts and fears. I am a spiritual person as well so I share your thoughts about going somewhere amazing one day. Please don't act on any impulsive feelings as they change. If you feel like you might hurt yourself please seek help from someone you trust. I would think your BF would understand and want to help. This is what love is all about. You don't need to be alone with these empty and sad feelings. I hope that you reach out at home and also here when you want. Please let someone know about your feelings and maybe a therapist can help as well. I wish you all the best and please be safe.

[sadmachine]

I feel similarly, though I'm an atheist. I'm looking forward to being nothing again after I die, just like I was before I was born. I don't like existing. I want to go back to not-existing. No more thoughts, no more memories, no more pain--that's my idea of heaven. I don't have any hope of recovery, I just want an end.

Maybe we can all get what we want somehow. The world is such a miserable place to be most of the time, it'd be nice if there was at least a happy ending to all the pain and futility.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. So glad you are a compassionate friend. That is wonderful.

But it is tough to have all that sad stuff welled up within. Used to drink to feel better but it used to make the depression worse.

I have a bunch of things that help take the edge off.
I now use peppermint tea, a little strong to unwind. And funny movies or clips from you tube.
In the morning I exercise and do yoga streching. (there are places online if you need links - private message me left click on name in blue to left of post)

Meditation is the closest to drinking alcohol. It is more subtle but it calms me down enough so afterward I feel pretty good.

Some simple counting breaths can help too. Just let me know if you want instructions.

[sparkely88]

Thank you guys ever so much! Amazing advice. It feels great to know a few like you guys that it is ok im really hanging on by a thread I do think at this point its time to tell someone I dont want to but I know leavin this world id probably regret it lool as things do change... every minute im hangin in there yoga is awesome I acually just signed up for a course yay!
I wonder if this is a spiritual awakening? I heard once that hits you go through similar experiences. .. hmmm

[Fuzzybear]

[JohnCrow]

Imagine my view: We are bags of chemicals with memories, there is no inherent meaning to anything and when we die, the chemical reactions stop and we cease to be. Yes, there is a collection of cells that remains around for a bit as the parts are recycled

No one is going to save us, there is no reward. We got to live and were aware of it. That is all we get

We get one try at this world and, good or bad, that is it

We live on only in others' memories

Someone once said that this was depressing. I don't see it that way. It is realistic - I have three mottoes

1. Think
2. If it's stupid and it works, it ain't stupid; if it's brilliant but it fails, it's not brilliant; it's a failure
3. no illusions

Lie to others, white or dark, if it is really needed. Tell children lies until the can understand the real answers. Exaggerate a bit if it makes the story better

But don't lie to yourself

When I was a kid I believed in things. I stopped and it made the world make sense. This? (sweep of hand to indicate the world and everything in it) My first statement where I said it had no meaning? I mean no inherent meaning - no innate purpose beyond life's own desire to continue. But we are aware. We give the meaning. We make it have meaning.

Intelligence makes things matter. To you, to me, to all of us

We are in the midst of a largely cold, dead, hostile universe. We are the only things we have

The 7 billion hominids you share the Earth with matter. Because we want them to.

Cast me out from the tribe's circle or come listen; I may not be doing things right or well but I can see the promised land from where I am. And I know that, in this little area, I am right

[Timetoshine]

Brand new here! Came across this post and was blown away, this is me. I'm very dark and lonely when I'm with my own thoughts.

[artichack]

Originally Posted by sparkely88

Thank you guys ever so much! Amazing advice. It feels great to know a few like you guys that it is ok im really hanging on by a thread I do think at this point its time to tell someone I dont want to but I know leavin this world id probably regret it lool as things do change... every minute im hangin in there yoga is awesome I acually just signed up for a course yay!
I wonder if this is a spiritual awakening? I heard once that hits you go through similar experiences. .. hmmm

Welcome to the jungle......you can get some really good information from this site......and express your true feelings....many of us here have also hung on by a thread....glad you are being positive...yoga I have heard helps calm ones inner being....alcohol is a depressive...in moderation I feel can be helpful...talking to a therapist is another great idea....best of luck....Artie

John Crow thank you for that description, it is very apt.

[vital]

Originally Posted by sparkely88

Im.a very spiritual person, I do believe we go somewhere anazing when we die least I hope. Ive noticed thoughts like this for years every year it gets stronger. Im not one for a pity party. in fact I love putting on a fake smile and a very bubbly personality for everyone. The real me lives a very dark cold lonely life every single day. I give amazing advice, im the best friend you've never had, ill sit beside you if your sad until you feel better, im funny, im beautiful, and I see life very different then most. I cant kill fruit flies because I think they need to live tio. This is my personality that most know, what they dont know is the endless battle of pain and suffering I experience daily!!! Unfortunately I have very SEVERE form of ptsd abd can not go.on medication so I have been trying natural ways to help me. I have never told anyone what im writting because I dont like to bring people down. Im 27 this year im very confused about where im going in this life, and who I even am. It feels as though im a crazy person with way to many issues, if I tell my bf of 3 years I fear he will leave me, the fear is huge! I just dont know anymore! Sick of being sick. Its strange because the only time I feel happy is while drinking. I dont drink alot but when I do its peaceful. Thanks for reading, have a beautiful day everyone. Im writting this on my phone please excuse the poor grammer lol

hi sparkely,

I have a feeling that this might be the perfect thing for you:

I had depression rather than PTSD as such, but you can find ideas for what to do in the "depression success stories" section of the site including what worked for me.

- vital