I shouldn't have been born

I wonder why I'm still alive. I know that I don't fit in the world. I have no hobbies, no ambition, I'm a complete social reject. I try and try and try everyday but I always come to the same conclusion : I'm just a mistake, a reminiscence of an unadapted organism that needs to be destroyed.
Everywhere I go, people acknowledge talkative people, the ones who impose themselves, speaking loudly and telling ********. I can't be like that, I'm more the taciturn type. With time, I tried to be like them, but I just don't have the... body for this. People like me are just good to be ignored and mocked.

For example, this afternoon, I was with a "comrade" sitting besides the entrance of the classroom, and then, a girl passes. This ***** is in the same section but not in the same group, so we don't have much contact with her; still, I'm a bit fond of her. I've been told that she is a "good" girl, the one who praises good feelings and despises "show men" with tremendous ego. And then, she salutes the bastard beside me like and good ol' friend, and acts like I'm a pile of invisible dust. What's the difference between him and I ? His a show man and I'm the quiet one.

All my life has been like this : invisible, worthless and negligible.

Nature ****ed me.

I know the "I shouldn't have been born" thought all too well. That's what I start thinking when my mood gets really down. I also struggle with feeling invisible.

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You're not alone in the way you feel.
One day on a walk with my dad he told me he got my mom pregnant with me so he could avoid the draft for the Vietnam war. I was already messed up enough as it was, but when he told me that, it made things worse for me. He was not a good dad. Not loving, not hugging, rarely said I love you to me and my brothers. I have felt so unloved and useless all my life. I would think a dad who chose to bring me into this world to save himself, that he would be grateful for the gift. He wasn't I've floundered all my life searching for the unconditional love that should have been there from the very beginning thru my parents. I have been on this earth just existing. Not living. Never living. Not truly living. There's always been this void that I can't fill no matter how hard I try .
I'm to the point in my life that no experience that I go thru surprises me. Its like I'm this blur on earth bouncing from one experience to another. I want it to end. I really do.

"should have never been born"...............

That is what my mother often told me.

Same as you. Father got me just for superficial reasons, not cause he wanted to. I wonder why I has to be me. I have one life, and I feel It's already done, I will have to go through it just with no pleasure at all.

I've wondered about this too...I'm the youngest of four and since my father died 18 years ago, I've been the one left out. Dad provided that unconditional love and support. Mom and sisters are hypercritical, leading to depression. I search for satisfaction and pleasure anywhere that I can find it. Lately, it has been elusive, but it really is there for all of us. I empathize with you. I was hospitalized late Dec 2013 through early Jan 2014 for depression, mainly because I kept asking those "why me" questions and answering them in a very depressed person's way...I'm glad you posted this here, and I'm hopeful that you are not giving up.

regretful, maybe I'm not giving up for now, but I'm really on the edge this year. Why should I live if it's to see people live and be just a useless bystander ?

Maybe try this. Don't compare yourself to the expectations society puts on us. I know it is very difficult because we are bombarded everyday with those expectations. I have made some progress in this area by sheer force of being slammed against a brick wall, and (it is still really hard for me to say this) not being unable to work. Society expects me to work and be self sufficient. If I win my social security case then I am a lazy bum leaching off of the government.

I have really had to work on not comparing myself to others and to what society expects. I can't live up to it. All my siblings are very successful so it is hard.

What are we to do then. Maybe there is purpose for us and all our suffering. That there is meaning in it. One small example is that you posted here and that helped us. You were born for a reason and you life has value, as much as anyone elses.

I try and try to avoid comparing myself to others, but it doesn't have much affect. I'm less depressive, ok, but I'm still feel empty. And every time I manage to soothe myself, there's always somthing to bring me back to reality, like a violent electroshock, like this story with the girl : I was in a steady state, and she broke everything apart with something really insignificant.

Also, I'm don't really think that there's a purpose for everything. I'm a bit of a nihilist. You say that this post helped people people, but I doubt it; and even if it was true, does that mean that I'm a sort of sacrifice ? Suffering for the common good ?

You make good points. I don't mean it as a sacrifice but that out of our suffering can come some good. I see your point though. I was in a very bad depression the last six months and didn't have any hope, didn't see any meaning or purpose, just wanted to die. I prayed every night that god or some external force would just take me and I would wake up dead. I really didn't want to do it myself but I came close. Or that I would just get a fast acting terminal illness. Then everyone would understand and it wouldn't be my fault.

My sister in law got me to read a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frakyl. He had a lot of street cred in my book because he was a psychiatrist and a survivor of the concentration camps in Nazi Germany. I could only read a few pages at a time because of the depression. I got through it though.

He had some very good points. I didn't agree with him on a lot but it really got me thinking about meaning and purpose and how important they are. He did state that he thought that society had adopted this very nihilistic view and that very much worked against us. I have started some threads in here about meaning and that book. None of us find much meaning in suffering and depression base on the responses. I am trying though. The Buddha said...."It is my job to go joyfully into suffering." It can't be avoided in life.

We probably have different philosophies and if you are a nihilist and a fan of Nietzsche then that would go against what I am trying to say.

I have not been in a relationship in a very long time due mostly to depression. Very sad. When I am feeling better I start really thinking about it a lot. Then I will get rejected by someone or no one will respond to me on match.com or the depression comes back. I have had a lot of relationships in the past and am a reasonably good looking guy in good shape, or I used to be I am 50 now. I am also a very quiet type. I have been alone for like 10 years and I think damn it why can't I have someone and be happy. I don't know if it will ever happen. It is perfectly natural for us to want it. And damn it I deserve it.

zinco14532323 It looks like people like us are doomed to be depressive.
Did the book you mentioned helped you ?

Are you serious? Did she really say that? That seems so cruel.

No biggie..... there are a LOT of people here who endured a LOT worse than a few words.

There are times I feel that way. I often wonder, where was I before I was born? I know that's a heavy question.

Some people have told me that life is a gift; and I have a purpose. I often don't feel that way. And like I asked earlier about where was I before I was born; why am I put in a place where there's suffering? It seems like lately I've been more aware on how difficult life can be.

For the most part, my parents had passed away. I found out only a couple of years after they passed away that they had never planned on having kids. I have two brothers and a sister. So, we were "accidents". I was shocked when I heard that. But then I had wondered why did they talk a lot about how hard it is to have kids. It seemed like they were angry with us a lot.

It did help me. Some people have said it was a life changing book. It is pretty famous I hear.

The first half is about his experiences in the concentration camps and how he made it when so many others gave up and died or committed suicide. He said they could tell when someone had lost the will to live and would say...."oh look at Frank, he is next." And sure enough two days later Frank was dead. So he has a lot of credibility in that how in the world did he endure all that death and suffering and horrible conditions and come out intact.

The second half of the book is about his theory of logotherapy. This where I didn't agree a lot. It was mainly about finding meaning and purpose as a form of therapy which does make sense. But a lot of his clinical cases he talks about were just to far fetched and simplistic for me.

The part that helped me the most was where he talked about how sometimes suffering cannot be avoided. He says that if it can be avoided and treated then it should be, but there are cases when suffering just cannot be avoided. Well I related to suffering that just cannot be avoided. I have very treatment resistant chronic long term depression. When I am deep in one nothing brings me out. And nothing has ever prevented me from having them. They run their course and run their cycles. So I know what it means to have unavoidable suffering.

Now this is where people think I am crazy. He says that even in those cases we must find meaning in our suffering, that there is meaning and purpose to our suffering. Finding meaning and purpose in my depression? What are you crazy? But it resonated with me. Maybe it is only feeding your dogs. Some people in here say that if it wasn't for their pet they would not be here. Or brushing you teeth. Simple things. Or maybe the one person who you can help because of your experience. Or having dignity and bravery while facing your suffering. I saw this in my Grandfather. He got pancreatic cancer which is not a good one to get. He decided no chemo, no radiation, none of that crap. Well everyone was freaking out especially my Grandma. You have to fight you have to whatever you can...etc. My Grandma was having masses said, praying to all the saints and whatever she could think of. Or course that was natural for her, she didn't want to lose him after fifty some years. He died with contentment, acceptance, dignity, and bravery. He was a very happy content man, no mental illness, he had no reason to want to die he had a great life to leave. He made his decision though and he was content with it. I understood this totally and totally respected it. I hope I have such dignity and contentment.

Our society doesn't honor death and suffering. If there is a problem fix it. You have to be happy all the time, if not fix it, just think positive thoughts, happiness is a choice. They will hook you up to every tube and machine and keep you alive for ever even when your dead. What a bunch of ****.

Now positive thinking, and choosing happiness are powerful things and have there place but sometimes you have to honor your suffering especially when there is no choice but suffering. Buddhist philosophy talks a lot about suffering......and the Buddha said, "it is my job do go joyfully into suffering." It is a paradox. Some people will say that by surrendering to your suffering you will find joy. A paradox. When I finally surrendered to my alcoholism and addiction I found sobriety. A paradox.

So yeah that part helped me. I recommend it. I still feel like if I was in the concentration camps with him I would have been one of the ones who committed suicide or lost the will to live.