Coming up on the 1 year mark of my relapse

I have been absent from this forum for a little bit. Frankly I have been hidding under a rock in the fetal position. I am approching the one year mark of my relapse into depression and the beginning of my PTSD. I have been having crazy flashbacks, and today is the first day I feel mildly functional.

I am not sure I shared this before but about a year ago I nearly died. I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, causing massive internal bleeding. I had to drag myself on my belly accross my house to call for help. I'll spare you the crazy deatails I really do not want to trigger anyone. Since then, I have had this recurring nightmare/ daydream. My little girl waking up with mommy gone and always looking for her ( I am crying just writing the words).

I feel paralyzed. I want a full life, I want to be there for my little girl. I wanted to be better by now. And the bastard depression just keeps dragging me down. I am not sinking but I can't get out either.

My wife had a painful miscarriage nearly 10 years ago...I think about it often, and know that it is a contributor to my depression, especially around anniversary time. I so wish there was some way for us on these boards to join forces and extinguish that b*****d depression.

That's a really traumatic experience for you, there are several different components to deal with, nearly dying, losing the pregnancy, fear for your daughter's future and on top of that PTSD and depression. I guess things are so overwhelming for you because each of these elements have the potential to act almost independently. Have you had any grief counselling, as that might bring some of the threads together and get you moving forward again.

Thanks guys. I have tried counseling but it has been unsuccessful. The area I live in does not have a high retention rate for mental health workers and the ones I have worked with were not a good fit.

Honestly, other people find the ectopic pregnancy more traumatic than I do. I may just not be at a point where I can process it yet. It had to be removed so I could live, so I could be a mother. My surgeon said they might have to preform a complete hysterectomy (they didn't) and frankly I would have been ok with that if it meant I would be able to go home.

The thing, I am having a hard time getting past is that I nearly abandoned my child. I am the only mother she has. And as imperfect and broken as I am I am bound to her. That is the only role I have in this world for which there is no replacement. And the thought that I might have left her and left a void in her life haunts me.

Hey you aren't to blame for "nearly abandonding" your child, and more importantly, you are still here. Whatever "fate" controls our lives saw to it that you survived that day.

I hope I make this suggestion sensitively, it is the only practical advice I can think of. Have you made some sort of will or arrangements with an attorney, just incase something did happen. That and having a memory box with all the things you have treasured about your daughter's life. I don't want to be morbid, but perhaps knowing that you have some arrangements in place might help settle you a bit.

Please tell me to mind my own business or back off if I've been insensitive, I don't gauge how other people might react to my "common sense" sometimes.

Thanks, I do have a will. My husband and I are pretty organized that way. With him being in the military we have to constantly update emergency care plans etc.

And cognitively I know it is not my fault. Emotionally... I am not sure I blame myself but I do feel like I failed. So I am in this bizarre space. I know I have no control, this could have happened to anyone. And when the crisis came I did everything I could. BUT... I nearly failed, I almost did not make it. And everytime I put my little girl to bed I wonder if this will be the last time I see her.

I have been working on this, trying to cut myself some slack, forgive myself even though it is not my fault. It is just the stupid PTSD, anxiety and depression are having a field day. And it feels like nobody in my life really understands why. Most of them try to comfort me by telling me that I can still have children or that I am looking so great (I lost 10lbs after my surgery), even though I am underweight. It just feels surreal.

I am sorry to ramble like this, I just needed to get the thoughts out of my head before they drive me crazy. Thanks for understanding I am just tired of feeling like an alien in my day to day life because my reaction to this event is so different from everyone elses'.