[Viuam]

I am a joke. I am worth less than nothing. I have no friends, I am a liability to my family, I am a hot potato... I am being laughed at right now by my ex, those people that were my friends and have abandoned me throughout the years, the bullies, everyone. I am remembered as that crazy depressed girl by everyone. I'm the girl that your husband or boyfriend tells you stories about. You know, that crazy girl he dated once and is now just a relationship horror story. I am ****.

[LaborIntensive]

I am that guy. Oh well...not much we can do but keep in mind what we can do to make ourselves better and safer. I have learned to live alone and find my own joy without depending on it coming from others. What are you doing right now to try take your mind of this feeling, feelings?

[TheOriginalMe]

There are lots of "crazy" people like us in the world. There are lots of people who laugh at us. They are too small minded to accept human kind in all its diversity, well that is their loss not ours. No-one on PC will laugh at you, nor do we laugh at those people in the real world who aren't brave or strong enough to admit that life is less than perfect and no person is without their faults either.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

I am that guy. Oh well...not much we can do but keep in mind what we can do to make ourselves better and safer. I have learned to live alone and find my own joy without depending on it coming from others. What are you doing right now to try take your mind of this feeling, feelings?

Nothing... Honestly I'm lying in bed shaking. I'm so stupid. I'm a masochist. I don't know why I can't just accept the fact that I have to be alone so that I can't be hurt by anyone or do anything stupid myself.

[healingme4me]

I got that from my hs/college exbf.. At this point, whatever. If I was soooo terrible and psycho, why keep calling? Some people have egos the size of kingdom come. And they will vilify, to not be cut down to size; which btw, he did that to himself. Hmmm, knocked down to size. He did a stint at stand up. Tore up me and my entire family. Had his bow leg surgery, got hooked. Did a celebrity roast and made a fool of himself. Escorted off. Fair trade, eh?
Live, learn, realize they play a role in that type of relationship. Oddly, no other lover could say that of me? Did I really change 'that' radically, or was there more to it?

Keep that in mind, as you recover from the break up.



Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[LaborIntensive]

Alone is not a permanent thing. But there a great deal of things you can do to make yourself stronger. Take some time now to check out some other posts on the forum and make some small talk. Ask questions about some stuff your curious about perhaps??

[Viuam]

[QUOTE=healingme4me;3703189]I got that from my hs/college exbf.. At this point, whatever. If I was soooo terrible and psycho, why keep calling? Some people have egos the size of kingdom come. And they will vilify, to not be cut down to size; which btw, he did that to himself. Hmmm, knocked down to size.
Live, learn, realize they play a role in that type of relationship. Oddly, no other lover could say that of me? Did I really change 'that' radically, or was there more to it?

Keep that in mind, as you recover from the break up.



Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2[/QUOTE

Yeah, the difference here is that I apparently enjoy the punishment and texted him. I'm a genius... I don't know how I could have expected anything different than what I got. Glad you could see things that positively in hindsight. I hope I get there.

[LaborIntensive]

Sometimes we're like a basket of kitties. Full of vulnerability, needing love and fearing loneliness.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

Alone is not a permanent thing. But there a great deal of things you can do to make yourself stronger. Take some time now to check out some other posts on the forum and make some small talk. Ask questions about some stuff your curious about perhaps??

Thanks. I just want to take a sedative sooooo badly, but I don't have access to meds where I am. Posting here helps me vent, certainly, but it won't change the fact that in the real world I am a giant **** up. What is wrong with me? I get obsessed with people who hate my guts! I wish I had lived in a time without Internet, I can't shake the compulsion to Internet stalk. What for? I'm only hurting myself. This is the second time I've done this and I don't learn. Jesus what is WRONG with me?

[Nammu]

They can laugh now but karma will get get them, it may not happen where we get to see it, but it will happen.

Some of that negative thinking is the illness trying to bring you further down. Not that it doesn't hurt, cause it does. Give yourself time to grieve, then defy the odds, get up and do some small thing. Get dressed and walk out the door and back.

[Viuam]

Calmed the shakes to a manageable point. Still feel like an asshat. I'm such an idiot. Does anyone else indulge in psychological punishment around here? I've never self harmed physically, but this obsessive behavior has to be related in some way. I stick to searching the internet and occasionally making an *** out of myself on the phone, which is bad enough. I'm grateful at least that I'm not picking through trash and hiding in bushes. And to answer a previous post, I think that at this point I'm all sickness everywhere. Everyone I know is alright within a few weeks, it takes me years to let go and not feel hurt and betrayed. That can't be normal.

[LaborIntensive]

At least you notice these things about yourself.. Have you been speaking to anyone about this in therapy or counseling?

[Viuam]

No. I can't afford it unfortunately. No medication at the moment either. No insurance. There is no way that I can see someone right now. I was on medication twice before, both times on lexapro. The second time it didn't help at all. So I'm on my own right now. There is a glimmer of hope in a way, I've been speaking to an admissions officer at a university who is guiding me through the process of applying to grad school. I have time, so I am doing one thing a day to move that forward. I can't do more right now.

This forum is the only thing that I can turn to when I'm freaking out. It's really sad. By the way, how am I going to pay for school when I can't afford treatment? Bank of dad, who believes in education but not in mental illness.

[LaborIntensive]

I am sending you positive kitty vibes!

Well if anytime things really really bad you can try social services. They can help you if you are low income or no income and then there are charity mental health clinics in some cities. Here we have Catholic Charities that gives seriously discounted service. I am going there next week myself. So far I have medication an MD gave me that works alright for depression but I know I have some other issues to talk about with someone who can help me directly.

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

I am sending you positive kitty vibes!

Well if anytime things really really bad you can try social services. They can help you if you are low income or no income and then there are charity mental health clinics in some cities. Here we have Catholic Charities that gives seriously discounted service. I am going there next week myself. So far I have medication an MD gave me that works alright for depression but I know I have some other issues to talk about with someone who can help me directly.

Well that's very good. I've always wondered how some people get treatment when they're so sick that they can't hold a job. That's certainly my case anyway. Have you gone to Catholic Charities before? If you like, you can PM me so that we don't clog up the forums. In any case, thanks for your help, and I'm glad that you have the information you need and are getting help. I'd give my right arm to speak to a professional right now.

[Paige74]

Originally Posted by Viuam

I am a joke. I am worth less than nothing. I have no friends, I am a liability to my family, I am a hot potato... I am being laughed at right now by my ex, those people that were my friends and have abandoned me throughout the years, the bullies, everyone. I am remembered as that crazy depressed girl by everyone. I'm the girl that your husband or boyfriend tells you stories about. You know, that crazy girl he dated once and is now just a relationship horror story. I am ****.

Hi,
Know that you aren't alone with what you're going through. I've had depression for 20 years and (am 40 now) have no real friends anymore. I have a masters degree and quit my job last year because I can't emotionally handle anything. So now I'm a burden to my mom, who has been paying my bills.
So, not to talk about myself so much, but maybe it helps to know others are suffering, lonely and hopeless also. Sorry

[Viuam]

Originally Posted by Paige74

Hi,
Know that you aren't alone with what you're going through. I've had depression for 20 years and (am 40 now) have no real friends anymore. I have a masters degree and quit my job last year because I can't emotionally handle anything. So now I'm a burden to my mom, who has been paying my bills.
So, not to talk about myself so much, but maybe it helps to know others are suffering, lonely and hopeless also. Sorry

Please don't apologize. I wish that no one had to hurt this way, but yes, it is nice to know that there are people who understand. I'm very sorry to hear that you aren't doing well. Are you getting any help? I have stopped shaking now, although at this point anything could trigger that response again. Ate something for dinner, though nowhere near enough as my stomache was still complaining after. I sent an email that I set as my daily goal, so that was a step forward. I don't know what to do with myself tomorrow though. And I want a sedative so very badly. I haven't taken one in a month (I think) so it is not withdrawal, but it is all I can think about right now. I can't stop thinking about how stupid I am, and I can't take the image of people snorting with laughter at me. I've been reading about primarily obsessive OCD, and it wow, it sounds very, VERY familiar. I will never know until I see someone, but I'm terrified.