No reason to go on anymore

Hi all.

I've finally reached the lowest point in my life now, the point where I really just have nothing to live for anymore. I really just want to "exit" now, go to sleep and never wake up .

I think I'm beyond depression already, I just don't feel anything at all, no sadness, no wanting to be loved again, no hatred, nothing. I'm turning 25 soon and I feel like I'm at the end of my life. Despite several university degrees (which I don't know how I managed) and always having a keen and curious scientific mind up until about 2 years ago, I am now an empty shadowy shell of who I once was. I have no more desire to do anything. I get the idea if I discussed this with people close to me, they'll just tell me that I'm way too young to quit, that marriage, children, promotions, good jobs, growing older and wiser, etc. still lie ahead for me, but it's so hard to describe - I'm really not interested in any of these things. The thought of these things, the "joys of life", almost makes me want to hurl. I can't believe I'm such a horrible, vile human being .

I've spent the last month with psychologists, trainers, etc. trying to find out my personality, what it is in life that will make me happy again - and nothing, absolutely nothing. I don't think I'll ever be happy. I feel so guilty for wasting their time too, and that of everybody who has to endure me daily. I genuinely am not interested in anything. I have no more talents or passions at all, they're all gone, I don't know where, how and why. The last time I had a hobby was about 5 years ago. Well, I say hobby, but it was just another obsession of mine - I have Asperger's Syndrome too, according to the latest diagnosis.

I've forced myself to accept several things about me - I'll probably never be able to be a normal employee at a company, because I won't be able to work with other normal people, I'll never be able to be truly in love with a woman - will never get married/have children, I'll never be happy in anything I do, and I'll probably never own my own business, because I'm a fool and can't work with people.

I've gone around everywhere, looked everywhere, trying to find that one bit of inspiration to save my life, that one thing that will make me want to wake up the next morning. But, alas, I have not found it, and I think this is it for me. I don't know what I'm going to do next .

I just want to say thanks to everyone who have read and commented on my posts since I joined and for all the hugs, it's the most I've ever received in my life ! And, I just want to say sorry to all the people out there who have had to endure me all this time, for whom I made it so difficult to be around . I never meant it, it was just my way of trying to feel something in this sea of emptiness I suppose.

Good luck to everyone who is struggling, and I truly wish that you never reach the point I have. All the best.

Sometimes you have to walk away from all you know to find yourself again.

I'm sad to say it, but I think my true self might be dead already.

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she/he sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Have you tried meds?

Yes. This.
I would say the same of my own true self.
I grok your pain of existence.

Thanks guys. To Altec - no I haven't, sort of can't actually afford it. But, I'll admit, I'm also not a fan of meds of any kind normally, so I guess I have myself to blame too.

Have you contacted your local social services or churches. There is help out there!

Umm... no I haven't. A church is not a bad idea. I wouldn't say I'm all that religious, but I do believe that depression is caused by (a) demon(s) that plague(s) us - "irritum" if I'm not mistaken. I am spiritual to a certain extent, but whether I would go for one of those exorcisms, I don't know, that seems a bit drastic, but then again this is a drastic situation...

As poorprincess said i too am dead already.
Hope though you hang in there and find something, perhaps within the church if you hadn't attempted that yet.
Good luck.

maybe its not looking around to find something maybe its standing still watching others go about their way maybe you look to see someone who needs an extra hand so you walk over and ask them. its the simple things we take for granted: shelter, warm blankets, food, water, clean clothes. We give out a simple blessing to others in the way of warm blankets to wrap themselves up in, maybe a bagged lunch so they have something to eat, woolly socks 3 pair. Make someone their day with those things.

God, I remember those awful time where I felt exactly like you described, except I didn't function enough to type these words. I was first majorly depressed, then it became schizophrenia. My light came when I started taking drug x. I won't beat around the bushes, this drug works. I didn't understand and could not believe that I suffered all these years, thinking there is no hope, that a drug like this can drastically change my life. But it did, I just hope you don't give up hope, because it really is possible to be treated, and symptoms be alleviated. Don't give up.

Altec, I'm so glad you found a med that helps you so much. You are very fortunate. Stbguy it is possible to get better. I wouldn't shy away from meds cause they help tremendously. You actually sound like you have alot going for you. You've gotten college degrees that can open many doors. If you do have aspergers and find it diff to get along or understand others you do have the option of being yr own boss. I have a son with aspergers and he is very successful. Having a mi is hard but there is always a way to get better. I suffer from a few diagnosises. They are so difficult to manage but I do cause I know I have a purpose for being here. God has a plan for all of us. He loves you and wants you to be well. I've been in a dark depression for months but I believe that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yr losing hope and that makes me sad. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. All is not lost. I go to therapy weekly, as well as dbt group therapy and see my pdoc regularly. Even if I'm still depressed I still have to try. I refuse to give up and I wish you wouldn't give up. No matter how bad things are there are brighter days to come. Yr just starting out in life. I'd give anything to be 25 again and make better choices for my life. I didn't do too good in school but I did manage to get an associate of science degree. I struggle to find hobbies but I'm still looking for things that interest me. I refuse to give up. I know what it feels like to have good days. Whenever I have those days I always thank God! I'll say it in my head and I vBulletin say it out loud thank you God! I wish you wouldn't give up cause you have so much life ahead of you. There are ways to get discounted or free meds out there. It's easy to find these options on the internet. Get some good rest. Be kind to yr self.

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Thanks so very much to all of you guys who want me to carry on . How can I be such a horrible person that I can't see any good in myself, but others can, without even meeting me? Anyway, thanks again. I think you guys are right about the rest, I don't sleep well, actually have never my whole life. My psych. said that Asperger's can be co-morbid with lack of melatonin, the sleep hormone. The symptoms are obviously lack of sleep first, but also a slow metabolism (I am somewhat overweight), and amino-uric acids build up, which I do get because I sometimes get extremely painful gout in my feet, especially the ankle. As I also understand it, lack of sleep or sleep deprivation cultivates depression too. I think this could be the first area that I begin to work on in my life. I don't think I've ever slept through one night in my entire life (since I can remember), and never 8 hours anyway. Since going to university, I don't average more than about 5 hours a night. I always found the extra time great for studying, but only recently began realizing the detrimental effects it must be having on me, despite me not noticing it.

All the best to everyone, and thanks again . I'm not going to give up just yet, there must be an answer somewhere, right?

Yes, don't ever give up StbGuy. There's always hope for a brighter future. Just you wait and see!

I don't know how to feel anymore , just don't feel like going on anymore . I was still willing to give it another shot the other day, but I just keep falling into this hole every time. My outlook is just so bleak, and just looks like too much hard, impossible work to make any sort of improvement in my life. I really just wish at this point that I don't wake up tomorrow morning.

Please hang on StbGuy. I'm right there with you with your feelings, bleak outlook, etc., but we MUST hang in there and hope for a brighter day to come along eventually. in the meantime, keep posting and let your feelings out. We're here for you.

There is hope. Note that you are a "victim" of your emotional state, not your rational state. I know how that is because I have been that way, too.

Things can get better. (Can you keep repeating that? I find that doing things like that can be helpful.)

Thanks guys, I guess I could try. I suppose things do get better, but for me they always get worse again afterwards, even more than the previous time. So, I'm going backwards and getting worse each time. Every time these overwhelming feelings of utter despair come back they hit harder and do more damage than before. It's also like I don't restore afterwards, I just plateau on numbness and then drift back into despair .

(((((stbguy))))
Why are we all feeling like this??? When will the bleakness be gone.
Try to hang on (idk).

Yeah, I don't know why it's got to be this way . Damn. It all goes so well for a tiny while, I feel inspired, looking to do something, thinking in a new way, and then...Wham! Out of nowhere I get brought back down to reality. This life truly sucks!

Hi, I am new here and have recently been feeling a lot of the same things you describe, I feel that emptiness, I spend a lot of time turning it all over in my mind. Last night I was thinking about something a shrink asked me not too long ago. "What do you live for?" at that time I answered "nothing" that was when I had checked myself in to the psych ward. I am completely isolated in this lame town in the middle of nowhere, there are no support groups here or anything, I don't have any friends, the ones I did have have all dropped me. I don't love anyone and no one loves me, the only living beings I seem to love are the animals. But I was thinking last night about that question what do I live for and I came up with this answer " I am here" another words, I exist! and then I got to thinking why in hell can't that just be enough right now, **** all the trying to be somebody crap everybody is so wrapped up in. In this sick culture that we live in, it is no wonder that intelligent and sensitive people like us are depressed! I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I just thought for me that maybe it is a good place to just be right now. I really really do understand how dark this is believe me! I have struggled with depression all of my life, I am now 60 years old. I wish you peace of mind!

Thanks very much for the post . I have asked myself a similar thing regularly, "What do I really want in life?", but unfortunately my answer is simple - nothing. I just have no desire to want anything anymore. I know that's crazy, because everybody wants stuff, right? Well, my entire life, I've never asked for anything, I've never wanted anything. I've never wanted anybody's love or appreciation even. I've never even cared if my own parents didn't love me, even though they do very much. What I mean is, it's not something I desire like others do. I don't desire money, wealth, wife, children, none of it. Part of it comes from the conclusion that I've drawn long ago that I'll never be capable of attaining those things, I'm just not "in the same league" as the rest of the world. I'm an empty shell with nothing to offer. I know that sounds unbelievable, but it's so true. I'm just speaking from experience.

Maybe that is ok to just be where you are right now, don't judge it or beat yourself up for it. I don't really want any of those things either, I see that as something we have been conditioned to beleive will "make you happy" or make you "successful" in life. I think perhaps just having a good relationship with oneself, really the most improtant relationship, but little emphasis is ever placed on it. Have a nice day, I have to go out and put food out for my deer that visit every day.