[Rose76]

I am depressed. I don't have any plans to hurt myself, and I am not an immediate danger to myself. Still . . . everyday I am thinking about suicide as a way to escape.

Two years ago, I went into a psych hospital. I felt worse, while I was in there. So I have no interest in going back in.

I am going back to bed now because I feel too tired to do anything. That profound tired feeling comes to me often. I am desperate to escape. I believe the tiredness is due to depression. When I fall asleep, I escape. I just want to keep sleeping.

I know I am neglecting things. I am neglecting myself.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( Rose )))))))))

Oh, Rose, I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm glad you posted about it to get it out. Lots of us on here are in severe depressions now, including me. Not that that will improve your mood, but at least you know others are struggling too and we're all on your side and want you to feel better. Have you been able to talk to your T or pdoc about your state of depression? Do you feel like a med change might be in order?

[gayleggg]

Rose

[unaluna]

I think anxiety makes me more tired nowadays. Its like i dont know what to do first. Its just overwhelming. Anyways i just wanted to compliment you on your beautiful answer to the schoolgirl yesterday/today with the overwhelming mother? I always thought i wanted to be a writer, but i dont have the patience or inclination to actually write beautiful explanatory insightful helpful posts like you did for her. Maybe Im more of a tweetosphere person! anyway i think there is great value in what you did.

[Rose76]

Thank you all. It always amazes me how supportive PC members can be. I know you are each struggling with your own problems too. Thanks for taking time to post here.

I have some pain issues that are greatly helped by taking Vicodin (hydrocodone.) It also helps me feel better mentally. Sometimes I take it just for mental pain. All kinds of psych meds that were tried on me did not help. I don't want anymore med experiments. After years of therapy, I have nothing left to say that I haven't already been all over, so I have no interest in that.

My diagnosis is recurrent major depression with anxiety. My pattern is to keep getting episodes of depression. They blow over, but keep coming back. It will be that way all of my life, as it has been. I think life is very sad and that the world is just full of awfulness.

7 years ago, I split up from living with my s/o because I was so unhappy with him criticizing me all the time. Even though we split, we still stayed friends. His health is poor now and I do a lot of caretaking for him. I got him some help through the VA, but he is not real cooperative about making the best use of that. It's getting to be too much for me to have him depend on me for everything. After being with him for 5 days, I came home to my place yesterday and got badly depressed. I've decided he has to make the best of the help the VA gives him, or go in a nursing home. I would still do things for him, but I won't do everything anymore.

When I'm not with him, I'm by myself. I've lost contact with life. I just think everyday that I hope I don't live too long and think of suicide. I keep pulling out of depression and then feeling pretty okay for a few days. But I keep dropping back into it, and the last two times have been severe.

Ten years ago I went into a partial hospitalization program that did me a lot of good. I came out of it much better and functioned well for a number of years. That program doesn't exist anymore.

Thank you for the kind words above.

[JadeAmethyst]

Dear Rose,
I hope that you will find some warmth and the respite you need. It is so very exhausting taking care of others who need you. Please take good care, get some good rest.
Jade

[waterknob1234]

I hope you feel better soon. Taking care of another person can give you a sense of purpose but it can also wear you out. I remember going thru this taking care of sick parents. Depression is a mean illness and it wears you out. Hope things get better. Lots of love.

Rose, Please don't neglect yourself right now. Just do what you need to, I hope you sleep well tonight, sending you good thoughts. You've been here for me, so patiently, so understanding, for months.

For many people, like hankster said. I've seen how helpful and insightful you are. Don't beat yourself up over anything tonight. I want to see you treat yourself the way you should. Maybe there isn't medications anymore that you want to try, and maybe this world is awful. But there are brighter moments, and you will get through this worse one too.

You've been using so much energy for your friends, and you're giving and giving. It's okay to be tired, I just hope you sleep well. Maybe once you get that care set up for your friend, and you won't feel like you have to be there so much, you can find something else that you might enjoy for yourself. You do need to get back to the world, as awful as a place it is, you could make such a difference out there, and already are, right here. Thank you for everything you have done, being here for me and so many others. wishing you a good rest tonight

[Rose76]

When I am not involved in caretaking my friend, I am usually just by myself doing nothing meaningful. I know that is a recipe for being unhappy. Just now, a neighbor stopped by, and it was nice to talk to someone.

It seems like I am getting afraid to leave my cocoon. There used to be a Drop In place for persons with psych issues that I used to go to. It kind of faded away. Sometimes I feel like I need help to come out from under my rock, but there isn't anything like that that I know of. There are community centers with activities. I tell myself that I should go look into that and find something to participate in. But I keep feeling too afraid. My main thought is that I wish I were out of this life. It's awful to feel like that. I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

I used to have my job to go to. My s/o used to be well and could come visit me and do things with me. I miss him being the way he used to be. I'm on SSDI now and haven't worked in two years. I wish I could have just died instead. I think I should talk to someone about how awful I am feeling and that it seems to be getting unendurable. Maybe this will blow over and I will have a few good days, until the next bad episode. I think of taking pills or drinking to knock myself out to escape feeling real bad. But I don't really do much of that. I just feel so desperate, at times.

[herethennow]

i can't say anything much, but i do hope things get better for you soon. hang in there. we're all troopers and we're all stronger than what we think we are. take care.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Rose76

When I am not involved in caretaking my friend, I am usually just by myself doing nothing meaningful. I know that is a recipe for being unhappy. Just now, a neighbor stopped by, and it was nice to talk to someone.

It seems like I am getting afraid to leave my cocoon. There used to be a Drop In place for persons with psych issues that I used to go to. It kind of faded away. Sometimes I feel like I need help to come out from under my rock, but there isn't anything like that that I know of. There are community centers with activities. I tell myself that I should go look into that and find something to participate in. But I keep feeling too afraid. My main thought is that I wish I were out of this life. It's awful to feel like that. I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

I used to have my job to go to. My s/o used to be well and could come visit me and do things with me. I miss him being the way he used to be. I'm on SSDI now and haven't worked in two years. I wish I could have just died instead. I think I should talk to someone about how awful I am feeling and that it seems to be getting unendurable. Maybe this will blow over and I will have a few good days, until the next bad episode. I think of taking pills or drinking to knock myself out to escape feeling real bad. But I don't really do much of that. I just feel so desperate, at times.

i know what you mean about job loss and isolation. know also bout caretaking. it is easy under these circumstances to feel loss and lost, but as you mentioned, having an encounter with another individual, can help. it can really b work at times tho, to put yourself out there. but it can certainly b worth it. have personally this past year, been trying to stay focused on the positive, while also being realistic, as needed. working very hard not to get too low. so i commiserate with you and empathize and hope you will find more joy in your life, wherever u can. the best!

[Clara22]

Hope you get better soon, Rose. You are a good person, Rose, you deserve better