I really want to die

It took me about 2 years to summon up the courage to tell someone when I was in High School, in the end it didn't help me that much but the relief of actually telling someone was huge and it did make me safer. Do you think posting here helps keep you safe or do you think that you need something irl too?

When I went off to University I was so afraid of telling anyone that I tried to"run away". As I was over 18 by then I was free to go wherever I pleased whenever I wanted., so by running away I mean that I tried to disappear and go where no-one would ever find me. I was so confused and distressed that I got picked up by a stranger who turned out to be a retired doctor, he got me some psych support and got me back to uni. After that I've been in and out of the system and I don't always ask for help when I should. So I do know how hard it is for you, it is so much easier to say what to do than actually doing it.

How are you hurting people? You're certainly not a burden to anyone here, we all have our own experiences and I for one offer my support and insight uncondtionally. You are posting here and reaching out and that is something that you ARE doing right.

Take care and be a little kinder to yourself.

What is happiness anyway, does it exist? It's all relative.

I was never able to talk, to break free and just spill my guts and true feelings. It's like their was a physical blockade filtering emotion and words coming out of my mouth. Once my school noticed my depression they forced me to get help. Yet all the people that tried to help gave up cause i didn't talk, i was just unable to. However for the past few months i'm ao emotionally drained that slowly i'm able to talk to people to reach out. So i understand when you say you can't send that email. But think if you want to attempt to get help now or trudge along for who knows how long. It's so much easier getting help while in school versus once you're on own.

Now I'm getting really strong urges to cut. I'm trying to not act on those thoughts . Or my suicidal thoughts. Which are worse.

I wish I courage & strength to tell him

I can not keep dealing with this depression .

Please please talk to someone. I was in that position before, I kept so many things inside me that I thought about suicide everyday and started cutting. Is not a good position to be in =( you will get through this don't let the thoughts take you over, you are strong and I believe in you and I care about you even though I don't know you cuz I understand you. Please don't hurt yourself.

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Sorry you are feeling this way ((( Fox )))

Just for you hun:

I want to clarify my earlier post for you. The idea of suicide is so appealing sometimes because of the need to escape what's bothering us most, as another person who posted earlier mentioned experiencing. The desire to escape is fueled by our deep rooted need to feel relief of allllllllll (those surely aren't enough L's -.-) that negative pressure and our overwhelming negative emotions.

I don't want to say anything cliché since it can seem so impersonal (I mean, even saying 'cliché is cliché, ahahaha) but I really want you to feel the energy from everyone in this thread. We virtually gathered here to support none other than *you*. You're not doing this for us. You're doing this for you. You started this thread, right? None of us came here to share our experiences and words because we didn't think you weren't worth it. You are! You are worth it! You are very much worth our collective support. We don't all experience this pain in the exact same way but what matters is that we did, have and are.

As another person has mentioned, there's likely something great waiting for you. Maybe it's around the corner and a little to the left. Aren't you a little curious as to what it is...? ^.^ Maybe your immediate answer is no; but I'm sure there's an eeeeensssy part of you that's curious. Honestly, I'd like to know I'd bet everyone else on this thread wants to know too. And by maintaining that control you've always had - & I strongly believe you have it - you can put your hands down as slowly as you want. Breathe deeply for as long as you want. Air is free. No physical harm has to be done here.

Sure things aren't perfect, and maybe they're not all right. But you're here to experience them. And, to tell us what that great thing is

For you:

I have never cut but I understand it is similar to doing drugs and addiction. It gives you a big boost of endorphins and takes away the psychic pain. It can be addictive. A form of self medication. I self medicated for many years with drugs and alcohol. It did not end pretty as you can probably imagine. It is how I coped with life and escaped pain. I don't recommend it. It worked in the sense that it relieved pain and allowed me to cope for a number of years but in the long run it made things much worse.

You have to follow your own journey and it is not really for us to say. Maybe it will be years before you get help. You could choose however to rely on the experience and wisdom of the many people here who have gone through what you are going through. How did someone you relate to here get through it and come out on the other side.

It is a huge step that you are posting here and please keep posting.

I end up not self harming. I just slept. But I'm still really depressed,& I want to sleep

Good for you.

When severely depressed I often just sleep. It is all I can do. I learned to not beat myself up over it. I know you have school and that has to be really hard.

Yes, I noticed when depression is really overwhelming I'm tired. I wish I could sleep. I'm still depressed. But the urge to cut isnt that strong. I'm still having suicidal thoughts.

My heart just goes out to you knowing that you are in so much pain. Please just keep posting here. We're here to listen and support. (((( The Fox & the Hound ))))

I will keep posting here.

I just hate when it's overwhelming. I don't know what I'll do if something goes wrong... Especially if I'm really depressed. I'm surprised & disappointed I didn't go through with suicide yet.

I experience the same when I'm depressed. Something in me just shuts off for long periods of time and no matter what I do I can't bring it back. Like you mentioned, I get extremely phyisically exhausted too and my need to sleep is insatiable.

We're all glad you're with us and have decided to keep posting, as some have already expressed. I really don't want to say 'don't be di_____ted' because that would mean I'd be attempting to invalidate your feelings, which wouldn't be fair to you at all. I'm not saying you'll never experience pain again (how nice that would be...) since you know yourself. Instead I'll tell you the longer you stay, the greater chance that your feelings about not carrying out will change. I'm sure you'll have your times but for the most part you'll come to find what I'm and a few others have said.

((((((Foxy)))))) You have been really strong making it through these months since I've "known" you. It is hard, hard work being strong. I know you feel like you don't do anything right, but by keeping safe and keeping posting you are doing the right thing even if you don't believe it right now.

I'm getting more & more tired as I get more depressed. I also get more irritable & short tempered

I hate depression. I wish I never had, it isn't good at all. It ruins me life

I'm depressed right now.

I feel the same way too (((((HHUUGGGLSLSSS)))))

We know, we understand.

Just want to make sure that you realize that there's really alot of people pc who do care for you.... as shown in this massive amount of posts. This is my first post in your thread... I do care aswell.

I want you to know it can be treated. And as you already know that will require taking some steps on your part. But it can be treated. At some point I hope you get tired of the suffering enough to reach out.

depression combined with being bullied, it's not a good combination. life can get better. Hold on.

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I do want help. I think one day I will. Maybe not soon. But I will, I just can't do it. I wish someone would ask. Instead of me doing it.

I know

I'm really glad so many people care.

Me too. I sometimes wish that a giant asteroid would to crashes into the earth. I don't actually want that to happen, but the reason I think it is that the pain would be over in a snap and my family would not have to suffer if I was gone.

Oh sweetie, it breaks my heart, I wished that for a long time too. Somehow, I almost believed that if someone asked it would "cure" me. Sadly, in my experience, no-one asks. There is a reason for this, as most people don't suffer depression they just don't have a clue how you might be feeling. They don't ask because they have no idea what it is like. However, if you tell them, they'll be overwhelmed that you could feel so bad and so alone and they will want to help.

Zinco is right depression can be treated and eventually when the depression becomes more awful than the fear of reaching out you will find the strength to ask. Until then you have our support.