[Numbers]

I've been feeling down now for quite a while now, stupid things realy, and mostly just whining. Just a lot of rambelling, need to get some of it out.

I can't realy seem to have any sort of relationsship with people in real life. Once we get to know each other I suddenly feel trapped, scared and kind of panicking, which makes me angry at the person and I can be realy mean. Of course then they stop wanting to be my friend, and I feel free for a day or so and then I just get so sad and miss them, and hate myself for everything I've done.

I'm seventeen years old and I feel like I've lived for ever, I can't think about the future with myself in it. Sometimes I'm so scared I'll die and noone will have known me.

I hate my mother for all that she has done to me, but still I can't stand up to her and instead I and do everything possible to please her. I feel so little compared to her, when I'm alone I make all sorts of plans of how to strike back, but in reality I can't even speak to her without shaking. I find that I'm beginning to have this problem with a lot of people. I always need to please them and feel I have to serve them. I know it's myself making me feel that way but I still get realy angry at people who make me feel like that.

Sometimes I act realy childish, and I find that very humiliating, and I have no idea why I do it. I will just start playing, or drawing pictures of stick people and houses. Sometimes even my handwriting looks like a childs even though it is usually quite neat.

I've been having a lot of trouble with flashbacks and bad sleep because of PTSD, and I'm so sick of the past hauting me all the time, but it won't go away.

I can't picture the futur, my past won't stay in the past and my present is just lifeless. There's only me, who I don't even like or understand. I've tried all my life to see the good things and to stay happy because I didn't like sadness and I got realy good at making my own little world a paradise, but it's gone now, I'm tired of keeping up the walls. I'm so mad at myself for being like this, but I don't know how to keep believing in the good.

Hi, i'm sorry that you're having such a hard time with life right now. it sounds as if you've been through quite a bit with your mother, is that correct?

do you have a therapist or a counselor to talk to? someone close to you that you trust? you would benefit from having someone IRL to listen to you and lend you a shoulder

i am so sorry that you shake when you try to talk to your mom. no one should be in that much pain concerning a parent.......keep posting.........xoxoxo pat

[purplemoon]

I am so sorry you are feeling so down right now. I know what is like to be afraid all the time. Recently I have really been trying to work through some of the fears. I just picked a small thing or situation I was afraid in and faced it. I was really surprised by what happened or rather did not happen, I think I always focus on the worst possible outcome. It helped me to work up to facing the next fear. My T has really helped me with this. He gave me direction on what to do and how to go about doing it. Do you have a T or a mentor maybe?

[Boopers]

((((((((((((((((((((ITTRP)))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you feel this way. It's apparent that you are very afraid of your Mother. Is there any way you can talk to her about this?
IF not, you need to find someone to talk to about it as if you don't, it will continue to get worse.
The ideal situation would be to talk to a T about it. They could give you suggestions on how to tackle it slowly.
I wish you all the best.
Please keep us informed as to how you are doing.
I care,
Linda

[PaulS]

17 is hard enough without all that you are carrying. I thought I had it tough at your age. What you are facing really is a lot. Give yourself credit for standingup to it as well as you are doing. Wise choice toshare. I hope our responses are apropriate.

[PaulS]

in 1987 I almost died. The experience broke me and made me weaker forever. I'm a better person, but seriously not stronger. I take personal offence at your tagline. Itfeels like an insult.

[Hopefull]

It sounds like you are having a very hard time. Do you have someone to talk to ? A favorite teacher? School guidance counselor? Local pastor? I hope you have someone to talk to who knows how to keep their mouth shut.
You said that you can't stand up to your mom. You shake when you try to talk to her. I have a tough question to ask you. Have you been verbally or physically abused by her? I can't stand up to my step-father. I am afraid that people will yell at me if I screw up because of how he treated me at times. If that has nothing to do with it, don't think that I am saying that that has to be your problem. It is just one possiblity.
FEel free to ramble as much as you like. I know that I enjoy rambling on this forum. Don't feel that you have to answer my questions for us to read. It is just some thoughts. I hope things work out for you.

[Numbers]

I'll be seeing a T in January, so I hope that helps. I had someone I could talk to but he's away now, and I don't know when he comes back.
Yes my mother has abused me in different ways, so that is probably why, but she has been nice to me all Christmas, and she isn't home much becuase she works a lot. She has some psychological problems herself.
It's hard for me to turn to anyone for help, sometimes I realy wish there was someone I could trust, but when someone shows me affection or attention I turn away.
For the first time in my life I am fairly safe and I don't have to deal with too many things besides school. I had hoped it would be a time to rest but things that happened in my past and I never had the capacity to deal with just keep hitting me like bricks.

Its all understandable, for you to be reacting the way you are to your past. abuse is so painful, especially when we begin dealing with it at such a hard time in our life. our teenage years arent easy to begin with, what with all the different emotions and hormones running riot. then for us to deal with issues such as abuse, and in my situation death too, it knocks us down, and it seems almost impossible to stand back up. your body is trying to process all that has happened to you, and it is alot to deal with when you are trying to live an ordinary life at the same time. give yourself space, and time to deal with it at your own pace. many friends will not understand what you are going thorugh, not unless they have been there themselves. they are good to have, for sure. but stick at using PC, we ALL understand what you are going through, and not one of us is a stranger to depression. you can ramble as much as you like to us, we dont mind. we will only help.

things will get better, i promise. in the mean time, try to avoid your mum, only attempt to see her when you know you are strong enough, it will only make you weaker if you continue the way you are. when, and only WHEN, you are strong enough will you be able to face her with courage and you will go on to defeat many demons you possess.

i wish you all the best with things, and i am here if you need me ok. i wont mind if you get scared and lash out at me, i can take it. i know that feeling all too well, so just act as you feel, not what you htink you should feel ok. PC isnt about acts, its about REAL people and REAL emotions.

simon

[Numbers]

Thanks Simon

[Numbers]

I get these times where I do foolish things without thinking.. things that might hurt me. It's not like I'm thinking that I want to feel pain or anything, I just do it. Like if I drop something I won't care to move my foot I'll just watch it fall. I don't know how to stop it because it's not a consciece act. Does anybody else do this, and how do you stop it?

[Perna]

I would work to just "don't" do it. Not wanting to feel pain is not all that is part of consciousness. Somewhere you know whatever might hurt you and just "don't care." Start caring if you want to stop. Work to respond to the "that might hurt me" signal you're getting but not paying any attention to. It might take some time, we don't change behaviors right away. Start by taking good care of yourself after you do something that hurts you; show yourself you value yourself. That you can consciously choose to do. Eventually you'll get closer and closer to not letting hurtful things happen until you are able to respond in the moment. The more you take care of yourself the more your "automatic" self will follow that lead.