[Lisa123]

I wrote how I feel tonight as I was searching around the web about depression. I tend to do that a lot. Then I found this site and thought it might help me if I share my thoughts since it's just something I can never do. So I'll paste that here. It's even hard for me to do that because my anxiety level is just so high. I feel so worried about everything.

- I feel guilty about everything there could possibly be to feel guilty about, from not being a good enough mom to saying something to someone that might have been taken the wrong way.

- My head wont stop shouting at me

- I'm worried about everything almost enough to think that the only answer is suicide

- I don't want to think about our debt but its impossible to turn off and its overwhelming

- I don't think anything I do is good enough

- I don't think anyone likes me

- I envision myself looking like a monster or something, especially when I see bad photos of me I just can't get over on how gross I look. Even if I have photos where I look perfect, the image of ugly stays in my mind. I honestly seem to call myself a monster daily. I just will never look good enough for myself.

- I rather not talk to anyone because I know they dont want to hear me talk, maybe I am sounding too down lately and everyone is picking up on it and they just roll their eyes and wish I would shut up so I'm trying. Even people on Forums.

- I can't cry openly because it's too much effort to hide from my son so I cry on the inside

- I don't feel like I'm ever going to get anywhere in life and I'm just using up space. Maybe Chase(boyfriend) could get along a lot better without me in his way.

- I constantly am thinking about every bad experience I've ever had, that is relativly small bad experiences but it feels like they are eating at me. Like how do I go back and fix it all? Things that are so far out of my control too.

- I feel bad about how I feel and if I turn to anyone they just wont get it. I can't afford meds or a doctor and that wouldn't help anyways. I've tried pills before and it made it worse.So my problem is just a burden on anyone else if I try to even explain it. I don't even have a car or license to go to a support group.

- I read that it's bad for children if their moms are depressed it like rubs off on them so I want to be healthy for him but it's like a losing battle. I just don't know what to do.

- I dont think anything is just going to work out for the better, like financially, school, anything.. I just think my life is doomed. So why go on with a doomed life.

- Chase thinks I should go to a mental institution for being depressed but that doesn't seem right. I think he just wants to get rid of me and not deal with me if I am depressed. So I don't want to tell him. He wont understand. NO ONE will understand.

- I've been depressed for as long as I remember. I'm always looking for "the" answer but I never can find it. Sometimes I convince myself I have cancer and maybe that would spark some attention. I do crave people's attention. It makes me feel reallllly guilty but it's hard feeling alone. I want to be loved but the problem is what if I am loved but I just can't see it? It's really hard to tell.

[Christina86]

(((((((((Lisa123)))))))))))))

Welcome to PC.

Glad you found us but sorry you're feeling this way - not pleasant at all.

I know you said you're against trying meds again, but I disagree - you're not a burden on anyone if you try to talk it out and explain how you feel (kinda just like you did here) ... any sort of therapy could help you out.

Take care of yourself.

I was very depressed while raising my children. The meds I tried helped for a little while then quit so I ended up trying all the anti-depressants. I explained to my children that I was sad, but it was not their fault. Both my kids have had bouts of depression & went on medication & had therapy & are now fundtioning very well without meds or therapy. Sometimes you only need to take the meds for a year or so.

I've got bipolar (diagnosed finally 5 years ago) so I have to take mine all the time, but I've heard of many people who can take the anti-depressants & then get off them when they feel better. Some need to stay on them. It depends on the person. I think trying to find the right medication for you will really help, as well as therapy. You owe it to your child to get treatment, IMO. Take care.--Suzy

i suggest trying meds again.....because you sound really depressed to me and asking for a little help isn't wrong. in fact, i feel that it would be a gift to your family to seek out a doctor and give it another try......good luck, pat

[jacq10]

(((((Lisa))))) I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and upset. But it's really good that you were able to open up your feelings, even if it wasn't technically 'in person' to anyone ... you've really come to a good spot and i think you'll find that if you continue to be able to trust yourself and nothers, this site will really help you. There are so many caring people on here, it really is an amazing spot.
Take care
Jacq

[Brookester]

Make a copy of what you have written here and get with a therapist or a psychiatrist ASAP. It appears that you need some type of intervention as soon as possible because you are suffering needlessly with depression. Depression can be managed with talk therapy and a little medication and you can turn your life around in no time and you will not have the thoughts that you presently have going on in your mind. Please get some help. Big Hugs~

[Lisa123]

so today is even worse then last night... I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. My hearts pumping faster, my minds racing more, i feel like uneasy and shaky.

I don't think I can afford healthcare or anything like that right now. I think a therapist or a psychiatrist would be good for me though. I dont know. I guess after we pay our bills next month and figure out if we're going to have any extra money I can look into something. Maybe they have low income type therapists?

I'm thinking that maybe playing this online game is causing some of my problems so I'm gunna stop playing that and sorta stop doing some things I think might just be contributing to making me feel like this. Just spend more time with my son (he's 10 months) and less time with anything else. I'm also looking for some sort of job to keep me busy on the weekends.

Okay, i'm able to breath again and feel okay. I appreciate how welcoming you all are on this site. It's only been a day and I feel better to have somewhere to come to talk a little. Course it would be nice to have family or something understand my problem. Now i'm mumbling. So thanks for everyones input!

[Nay]

Hello,
I'm new to this also, in fact this is my very first post. I was reading through the posts and trying to decide if I was ready to post something about myself. Your post caught my attention because I feel the exact same way about a lot of the stuff you're going through so you're definetely not alone, especially when it comes to the guilt of being depressed while you're raising children. Most of the time I put on a smile and hide how I truly feel and I concentrate on how I would like to feel. I hide my depression from my husband because I don't want to burden him with dealing with me. The only problem is if I keep it all inside I end up exploding. For example, I had to work on New Year's Eve and the next day my husband told me he was upset for not calling him at midnight to say happy New Year. I told him that I was really busy at work, but I called him as soon as I had the chance. He persisted and said I should have made more of an effort. I ended up crying for almost two days straight and feeling so alone in the world. I also know how you feel about feeling like in no one likes you because I feel the same way. I don't usually open up at all to people I work with and I carry a distrust for people. Anyways, I think we have a lot in common based on your post. Hopefully we'll be able to get help and give help through these posts.

[jlove973]

Welcome to our PC family. I am so glad that both of you are here. Several people here can relate to you I am sure. Just have to look through the Forums. I have been there many times Lisa. You can pm me if you would like to talk. I hope that you both feel better soon. Once again Welcome to PC.

[Boopers]

Hi Lisa and Nay,

Welcome to PC and I am glad you found us. Depression can be crippling. It can bring you to your knees. You feel like you are in a dark hole, spiraling down and down farther and farther. I have been there many times. I have been depressed for many years. I am on two different anti-depressants and they do help alot.
I wish you both could be on something to take the edge off at least.
Please don't think you are ever alone. There are many of us who feel this way. It sucks but we have to deal with it the best way we know how.
It helps tremendously to be able to talk to a T. but if you can't afford one, it is also very helpful to be able to come on here and vent. Talking about your problems will help a little and also know that you are talking to people who understand.
I wish you both all the best and let us know how you are doing.
I care,
Linda

[ouch]

I tried meds for awhile - didn't tolerate one at all and the other one, I had trouble getting off of them. I guess they don't work for everyone. Therapy helps a lot - there are counselling centres where they charge on a sliding scale and you can even negotiate a fee... Depression groups can also help (I have heard, but never tried myself).

[tabby]

im so relieved to see the thing about where u said u feel ugly. i was going to start a post on just this so i know im not alone. ive always felt like everyone is looking at me & thinking damn shes ugly. i have good days where i feel pretty but mostly bad days. its so horrible. i cant bear to look at pics of myself. right now its even worse cuz ive gained weight. very depressed. i read where alot of times people dont look at us the way we look at ourselves. still im paranoid all the time about the way i look on the outside & not to mention i dont know how to relate to people so whenever i try to talk i stumble words & that just makes it worse. so i just wanted u to know you are not alone & im glad im not alone. as for meds they can be a big help but u just have to find whats right for u which can take awhile. it took me awhile to find the right meds for me. i was misdiagnosed for the longest time with major depression when finally they said im bp1. they put me on abilify & it seems to help alot. good luck to u hun