Woke up with negative thought blaming self

I woke up this morning with negative thought blaming myself. The people I am staying with gave me shelter and a job. I don't get paid as they can't afford to. And they really can't. Even though they don't have much money, they took me in. I woke up realizing how much I messed up on something we had to do by deadline. I felt uneasiness yesterday, but I tried to be okay about it. There were things that was happening and I got confused to do it or not. I should of talked to the husband but it was late so I figure that it wasn't happening. Then there was the uneasiness the next day.

I didn't have a good night sleep as always. But I did go to sleep on and off. When I woke up this morning, the thought came that it was all my fault. I should of stepped up and did and and talked to the husband. It was all my fault. Now, I have this huge guilt. I apologized to them through email since it was early. I'm going to apologize in person later again.

What I go through in the mornings are so much negative talk. I have learned to talk back to it so it's not as bad as it used to me. I used to wake up crying or being angry. I'm not like that anymore. This one I believe is my fault. Depression clouds me of thinking fast and responding and realizing things sooner. I realize this and I really hate myself for it. When will this depression get my life back on track??

I had a good career once. The last 8 year I've had a lot of bad things happen to me like deaths, divorce, and my whole family abandoning me. This family is helping me get back into my field, but I'm not doing a good job. Most of it is because I'm not doing it because I can't be creative as I used to be. Nothing is coming up and I'm letting them down.

I really appreciate what they are doing for me and I want to do better. I would be homeless if it weren't for them. My poverty and debt is another problem caused by depression. I realized yesterday-again that I entered the poverty cycle. I can't seem to get out of it. I know I should get a part-time job to get some cash in, but I'm not doing it. I also need to socialize outside of the family I am staying with. I love my friend who took me in and have been treating me so well. She wants me to heal from the rough times I've had. I moved to a different state to be with her. But I know no one here, but them. I'm suppose to improve my life. But I'm not doing it.

I've written a long one. I'm tired from writing this. I know it's me who can make the change and I'm so upset at myself I'm not. I just started on this forum and the last couple of days, I've been feeling better so I thought it might be the forum helping. Though it makes me a little uneasy that everyone can read what I wrote. This is my first thread and I'm trying to get better without medication and therapy as I can't have that anymore. This morning I'm back to not doing well.

My head hurts a lot now.

I'm sorry your having such a bad morning. Try to think positive thoughts and know for sure that the depression will one day lift. I don't know if your seeing a doctor or anything, or what happened that you don't want to go to the doctor and seek out a medication. I had to go through 5 doctors before I met mine and she has done so much for me, so I think it's something you should consider. Always strive and dream of reaching your goals and ambitions. More info would be helpful, so please write back.

I'm not able to see a doctor because I don't have money. The state I live in now don't provide it. I was on medication and seeing a doctor in another state few months agp. Because I had this weird job where I was making enough in the beginning that medicaid was taken away when I went to get refills. But I wasn't making that much as the hours got shorten and the owner check bounced and such. I ended up getting a new job that fired me right away. So now I am in a state that don't give any kind of medical insurance to women over 42 without children. I am also in a state that one needs a car to move around. I don't drive or have a car so that would be hard for me to do if it was possible. I already rely too much on the family I'm living with. I feel like I am a big burden on them already and it's almost been 2 months that I am here. I love them, but I put myself in this position that I can't seem to move forward. I hope that depression will lift. Thank you so much for replying. It helps.

Mind doesn't seem to be working and body too. I read other forum threads and I would like to be supportive but couldn't come up with words that were.

I wish I stop beating myself up and start doing something to improve my life ...in the right direction because ever time I make a move it haven't. I never ever thought I would be almost homeless. I never imagined my life would turn out like this. My parents worked hard so we can have better lives and I just didn't.

I had them to turn to when they were alive, but they are gone and none of my siblings talk to me. They say my bad behavior caused them to abandon me. Sure, I blame myself because I really didn't know I had depression again.

I'm really sorry, I seem to be flooding out my problems.

I just want to feel good today.