hanging on..........

do you ever find yourself wanting to just give up?? but some stupid 'obligation' keeps you stuck here.

• Easter - can't do anything dumb or it will wreck the kids Easter forever.
• Birthday coming, can't do anything or her birthday will be a bad reminder.
• Kid has five AP tests coming up - can not let my issues derail her.
• Mother-in-law dying/died - not the time to think about yourself.

I am tired. I am tired of "hanging on" for all these stupid reasons. I am tired. I feel dead emotionally. I just would really prefer that this world be over.

Yep I have the same thing. Truth is, there is never a 'right' time for suicide. It's always gonna screw others up no matter how you time it. I ran out of reasons and thats why I've spent the last few days in hospital. But I'm getting out of here today so I guess I should make plans so that I have reasons to stick around when I get back to that dark place.

Smiled that cynical smile when I read Secretwhisper and your post... and I fully relate. Some of the very excuses I've concocted are due to the pain it would inflict on others. One of mine was my birthday... but I couldn't do it as the wife and I share almost the same day and I acknowledged it would taint those days for her for ever more.

Another excuse is the children the wife wants, that were I to die, she would have to start the dating game again and we've both left it pretty late as it is to think of kids.

But are they stupid reasons? None of the reasons you gave seemed stupid to me... they showed your love for those you care about... and that says a lot about your character and strength to keep going in my opinion.

I'm too useless to offer any words but I offer empathy and hugs

Damn...I meant to say something along these lines in my reply but I guess I got distracted

Anyway what he said!

One of the main reasons I'm hanging on -- aside from the fact that I think my depression will subside some day - - is that I wouldn't want my husband to have to deal with the fallout, i.e., feeling pain, dealing with funeral arrangements, cleaning out my office and closet, etc. I don't want to put him through that any sooner than he might due to natural or accidental causes.

My daughter is my reason I resist the urge. She has always been first in my life and even at 38 she still is what I live for.

My mother was the polar opposite of you

Hello UM. You said it--tired. Tired of the battle. Tired of the struggle. Tired of this enemy called depression. Tired of the heavy heart. Tired of the emotional pain. I feel it too.

One day it just hit me. This monster of MI was not going to win. I will not just give up. Some days it is not only hard to get out of bed, it is even harder to NOT go back to bed.

I am sure your daughter cherishes you. And you know that as a father you will ALWAYS be needed.

I guess we both need to catch and hold on tightly to determination. Right now it seems to be my best weapon to do battle with.

And what I see in you is not some obligation, but love for others. It has just gotten mixed up in a jumble with the negative emotions.

So take a few deep breaths when needed. Relax in a cozy chair when needed. Take some "me" time. Take some time just for you. You truly do deserve it.

UM, I can resonate with your pain of existence. I feel it also.
Not to be flippant or disrespectful but I am glad for your having those persons in your life.
That you have even the upcoming occasions to hang in here for. I know it doesn't heal all.
I say this because I have no family, no occasions, no reasons remaining to tether me.
It is an awful struggle we live, I know. I wish you well.

Hi UM, If that's all you've got right now to keep you hanging in there then"fab", just keep holding on to those reasons, and a day at a time, sometimes that is all you can do until something/s starts helping..........but I'm getting the feeling you're caring a lot more about others than yourself right now (??), and that can be so hard when you're trying to put your feelings to one side for the benefit of others. In fact it can make the weight that much heavier with the responsibility..........the guilt weighing on you..........the worry about those important to you............trying to hide the fact that...........when all you want is a bit of an escape from all of that.
SO maybe a little more caring for yourself and finding more safe outlets for what you're going through??
Perhaps have your wife/your family "cut you a bit more slack"?? You don't have to tell them everything (unless you feel you can) but just enough for them to not expect quite so much. And if you just want some more time to yourself (to feel bad or to "recharge your batteries" a little) or if you want them to listen and give you some more support.............then they'll be a bit more "in the know".
And if you can let a bit more out to your T or in group (if you aren't already that is)?
Maybe push your pdoc more on the medication front, although I do know that that's kind of a work in progress.
But.....maybe just make things a bit more about you?? And show yourself a bit more of the caring you're showing others??? I know it really isn't easy, but just don't forget just how much you matter too!!!
Alison

I've been there… we try so hard to not put our emotional burdens onto other people. it is hard though because, in my experience, they judge you and get upset that you aren't sharing and when you do… they don't like it. keep hanging on and soon you will be able to get help.

I feel so much like you sometimes. I feel like just giving up. But my reasons to stay here are for those I love, my daughter and son, my dog, my husband. You are a good person with a good heart. I can tell by your posts. And so you hang on for your children and family. The pain of depression is crushing sometimes. But by the way, you are not useless. You have been kind to me in this forum when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I will pray for you. God bless.