%&£$!

Well something triggered me bad about 2 hours back, the reason really is irrelevant… apart from it put into question how I felt about me… I then started getting anxious, started having huge self doubt. Was at work at the time and I had to just keep going, keep so calm on the surface… not let it seep out as if it did, it would be a possible explosion of anger, verbal dribble but most likely complete withdrawl.

During this time the wife called, and even then I was managing and repressing like crazy the urge to just break down… and it was not exactly an unstressful call.

Apparently I hung up on her (didn’t know I’d done that, thought I’d stayed calm and polite throughout).

On the way home the stress started to mount up… am I really depressed? If I was depressed I wouldn’t be able to go to work, I wouldn't get angry, if I was depressed I wouldn’t have bursts of energy, determination, the ability to fight those stupid ****ing thoughts… I know at least one person who looks at me in disgust because I’ve had time off… I’m sure others think I’m just lazy, incompetent… that the times when I’m so slow at my job or my attention is wavering all over the place… I’m just a bone idle ****wit.

Then there was that bloody dumb moment when I became angrily vindictive… that I could just end it… and that would show them! That would prove that I wasn’t just making all this crap up.

Thankfully, what I guess is the part of me that cares brought me back to ground level…. That 1. That would be so unbelievably stupid… that 2. You’re not the sort of person that leaves notes (never have before), so they wouldn’t bloody know anyway (and even if they did… would it really bother them… they don’t like you so good riddance to bad rubbish) and 3. The only people you’d hurt are those that support you, take time to be there for you and have stuck by you despite being such a selfish, self absorbed arsehole during the times that are bad.

The other thing that brought me down was the wife… I got home, still really highly strung… secretly glad she’d be home as it would be so much harder to do anything dumb with her around… and the first thing she said was ‘bye honey, just nipping out to the retail park to get dog food’… to which I snapped ‘fine, whatever’

It just slipped out, I immediately apologised and said that I was in a bad spot at the moment (it is our agreement that I tell her if things are bad… 1. So she is aware, as I have a poker face when it comes to my emotions and she just can’t read me half the time and 2. So it grounds me in a way, makes me realise that I have to be careful… I mustn’t lash out at others… and likewise, gives her the cue not to throw lots of stress at me).

Well, she stood there for a minute… I kept saying ‘it’s fine, I’m alright… just go’… and then she came over, hugged me and ordered me to tell her all about it. I said that it was so stupid, irrelevant and that she wouldn’t understand, but she didn’t care… told me to say anyway.

It has calmed me down… I am feeling better… less inclined to do anything… which would be hard as she’s decided to not go out now anyway -.-

As such, thought I’d write and share… not sure why… but this is the kind of crap I face quite regularly… it does confuse me, I do have lots of self doubt as to what is wrong with me… can only guess the above had a lot to do with anxiety… and then that leads to misery, shame and hating myself (especially if I go into panic fight/flight… which with me is normally on the fight side :/)

Just relieved… and primarily drained. Probably going to be another very early night.

I'm glad she was there for you, you deserve someone who cares.

Thinking of you

-- Worth highlighting and underlining!

You've suffered a shock. Try not to minimise it. Best wishes for a restorative night.

Do you ever get tired of holding it all in, like imploding. I think you are marvellous that you have such self control. I dont, if I am in a mood(good or bad) everyone will know about it. I ooze it... well done..

I see it as having no choice. As a fight... that to crack is the very worse place I can be in and that I must avoid, repress, find any technique I can to stop it from happening.... that to do otherwise could jeopardise so much for me... security, my job, my marriage and I guess primarily, my sanity.

I know how easy it would be for me to just flip out and let it all go to crap... and that for that to happen would be scary and very much life changing.... and that I don't want the stress of the damage control that comes after... the looks, opinions and overall behaviour that I would get from others.

It's hard work... but it's what I do to get by and manage.

Going to bed now, slightly later than intended. Really worn out, can barely think... Just want to be wrapped up in nothingness for a few days... But back to work tomorrow and maintaining the farce, put on my plastic face.

I see the gp for my fortnightly check up on 'how things are' on Friday.

I feel for you. Work can be so stressful, yet we have to make a living. At least it sounds like your wife is understanding and caring.

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Had an epiphany... but it was full of very intense anger (self directed) that is not a helpful contribution... trigger central on beating oneself up.

Just want to say I am sorry for being me. A lot of self disgust right now. Be doing a lot of people a favour if I just wasn't... oh shut up TJ.

Never apologise for being you, you're fine just the way you are hope you feel better soon

Finding that very hard to believe right now... but that's not to say I don't appreciate the sentiment.

Reality is that I clearly am not fine the way I am... I hate the man I am right now, want desperately to change... only person that can do that is me, I am responsible for where I am, and no one but me is going to be able to do anything about it.

Determination, self belief and motivation is a fleeting thing though... like gripping sand in my hands and trying to will it to not seep out.

Have written a pretty damning letter for my gp to read. Ashamed of some of the things I've written... but it's right to feel ashamed, right to show someone how pathetic I've been.

Detaching for a moment, I do wonder if this has anything to do with the increase in my meds? Along with other stresses, triggers and just general crap.

Guy I work with asked me if I was ok today... said that I looked pretty 'intense'. He's one of the few that knows anything about what I've been dealing with... just told him that I was sorry, dealing with a lot of anger at the moment (self directed), that I didn't mean for it to be apparent as I know he has the anniversary of his dad's death coming up (both our dads died within 6 days of each other 6 years back... was not the best month for us)... just trying to deal with this and get on with things... that not to mind me if I was being quiet.

A wonderful description of a terrible reality.

Self-loathing. It's there. Mine is apparently buried more deeply than yours. Those explosive risings, however, are terrifying.

I've often wondered about having the courage to let go, just to stop trying to care and look after myself and throwing myself entirely at the mercy of "fate". Somehow there is a deep attraction in doing this, especially as working hard to keep sane has let me down because I'm too "safe" to get a service from the MH professionals. I've held things together for 20 years, it doesn't get any easier and although I keep holding back, my grip is tenuous to say the least.
It is possible to keep going through the motions, day in, day out, it sucks though.