[FeelingLost]

I'm still so intrigued by the energy and connections people here seem to have despite having depression. How do you manage to do it? I can't. People here seem to have friendships, relationships, families, children, jobs -- things I don't have in my life, and have no energy to try to put into my life.

Without exageration, I think I've been outside of the house three or four times in the past month (I don't count opening the door to pick up the newspaper). Maybe once each week I go to pick up the mail and a few groceries. My connections seem to be nil. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were all spent alone, as was my birthday.

Sometimes I think I could have a heart attack or a stroke and it would take weeks before anyone noticed I wasn't around -- and sometimes I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I don't know if I even know how to connect to people any more.

How many other middle aged women sit around drinking vodka martinis and listening to alternative rock? The tune I haven't been able to get out of my head lately is an old one by Tears For Fears, called "Mad World." Can anyone else relate to these lyrics?

Mad World -- Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world . . . .


At times I can particularly can relate to the chorus, "The dearms in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had . . . " (**sigh**) No, I'm not going to hurt myself. I just feel so empty sometimes, that's all.

[lenjan]

Well, aside from the vodka martinis part, I listen to a lot of alternative music .

I guess I do what I do because I have to. I'm responsible for supporting myself, so I go to work when I don't feel like it. (Doesn't mean I get anything done there, but I go warm the chair.) A lot of it is just putting one foot in front of the other until my mood improves. It's a tough thing to do, I know.

I hope you get some relief soon.

Candy

the feeling of emptiness is such a hard thing to battle.

i am the same as you. i rarely go out the house, since new year i have been out about twice. so you are not alone in this. i look at it this way... we may be alone in our homes, but we have dozens of friends the other side of a computer screen. i have people here at PC who i know i will have a pm from when i turn my computer on, and that is the best thing of all. 3 of the people i met on PC and i have daily chats via email. its one to one, and some days i feel like i cant chat, but i do anyway. we always have something to say, and we get on very well. i do that seperately with 3 people, and its really good. its nice to have little routine daily. it makes me feel wanted by someone. do you have anyone you can do that with, if not i am sure we can do it. pm each other everyday, get to know eachtoher. i would recomend it to anyone.

am i rambling?!

when the time is right you will make new friends. i have no friends in everyday life, the only people who populate my life are 3 members of my family, of which i wouldnt see if i wasnt living at home with them.

you will meet and make new friends, i promise. you are just experiencing a rough patch right now. but well done on connecting with songs, its good therapy. im always searching for songs that connect to me. i find it a huge relief.

am i rambling again, i feel like im talking utter jiberish!

i will stop now, but know that if you EVER need a chat, it doesnt matter what its about ok, just pm me. im right here for you. hand in hand we can walk this road, never needing to be alone again.

simon

p.s. sorry for the rambling again...

feeling lost. I Hear you!..I am married and have 3 children, ages 18 and twins 13..most times its just the fact that I feel I need to make sure they are all able to take care off themselves before I could "escape" this pain...but having to cope with people around me is at times hard...so I'm not sure which is best? to have people who depend of me or to be alone?..

eeeeeeee......i can't stand a martini but i like a vodka tonic....... and i listen to really strange music for an ole lady of 63........i MEAN strange........ so, we' could be compadres........

i am the worst at isolating. i found that going to the library here helped me tremendously. no one looks at you and no one speaks above a well-modulated whisper.......so you're pretty much left alone BUT you're still OUT.

i'd take a 10 minute walk a day if i were you and get a pet. a pet makes us interact with them.....i'ts good practice for those two legged things that inhabit our worlds. besides, they don't care if we're having a martini and listening to Kurt Cobain.......

then after you've spent a week taking those short walks, try to add five minutes. and make yourself speak to one person. just walk up and ask them something totally out of the blue.....nod, smile and go on..........you'll feel very accomplished....as you should.

it takes getting off the butt, putting the headphones on (my security blanket) and getting out......(for the walks)

try the library tomorrow and let me know what happened....love, pat

[Boopers]

Well, I can't drink anymore and I do listen to what people call weird music for my age but I think music is ageless, myself.
I'm sorry you are so alone in this world.
I have severe depression at times and just shut the whole world out. I hate it but what can you do.
I wish you all the best.
Hugs,
Linda

Who defines music as wierd anyway?? it may not be their choice, but doesnt make it wierd...

just thougth id say that to emphasise that nobodies choices are "wierd", we are just individual and have our own individual tastes, its what makes the world a more interesting place.

simon

[FeelingLost]

Thank you to everyone who has provided input and support, or who has even thought about these issues. To be honest, I've been hesitant to be vocal here because I'm not always as much of a "Happy Smiley Person" as some others seem to be (with apologies for paraphrasing an old REM tune).

I read everyone's reply, and I'm taking things to heart. Today it's been white wine and big band tunes instead of martinis and alternative rock. Maybe I just need to synchronize by beverages and music -- the martinis really go better with big band tunes, eh?

I live alone and I'm trying to get a small consulting business off the ground. For a little over a year I've been living off of savings and it's just been the past 2 months I've actually been able to take some baby-steps to try to get some business clients. Sometimes I wish there was some way to be able to make money without having to go out or deal with people.

The suggestions about getting a pet and taking walks are good ones. I have a little old dog who is 12 years old, a bit demented, and he's dealing with Cushings disease (an adrenal endocrine problem). He's my sole source of support most days! The unconditional love of a dog is so wonderful, even when the little guy is sick and occassionally makes a mess in the house.

No offense to those who live where it's been warmer than normal, but I can't take walks because we have almost 5 1/2 feel of snow.on the ground. I have heart problems and fatigue very easy, so it's difficult for me to get out. Plus it has been COLD this week. Today it didn't get much over 10 degrees below zero. Yes, minus 10, farenheit, and that's the daytime high. Overnight lows have been 20 to 25 below where I live -- even colder in some of the surrounding areas. Soooo I'm not going to be going out for walks anytime soon. If I could get the energy up maybe I could go to a mall and walk indoors -- but I can't face that many people right now.

Again, thank you all for the support, input and warm thoughts. I really appreciate it. It's really nice to get some positive nice support!

simon, when i said "weird music".....i meant by other people's standards, not mine......

i like Kurt Cobain, Primus, R.L. Burnside and on and on and on..some women my age most likely haven't an idea who Cobain or Primus is.....

all music is good. except rap. sorry. can't understand the attraction of that genre.....xoxox pat

FeelingLost, white wine and big band sounds good. and your weather conditions definitely will keep you indoors. i used to live in New Mexico and i remember those temperatures very well.....i'm really glad you have a pet. my elderly cat made a "mess" during the night, but i don't mind. he's 19 and we've been together so long.....

fayerody, i agree, rap is awful, i dont see the atteaction. heck, even i dont know who Primus or R.L. Burnside are, and im 19!! but i am english...enough said...

the weather there sounds awful. i think its best to stay indoors. especially if you have no need to venture out. wait for the weather to ease up abit, then begin your walks.

i hope things pick up soon FellingLost, keep us posted yeah.

simon

good to see you posting again.....

[FeelingLost]

Thanks, ButterflyLady, Simon and Fayerody Pat. It was really, REALLY nice to check in and find your supportive notes. To be honest, I'm surprised not only by the replies here in the thread, but also by how I feel about the replies. The supportive feeling I've experienced is warmer than I had expected.

Fess up, Fayerody -- tell us about Primus and RL Burnside. I'm with all of you that rap is awful, but I'm clueless about some of the other music you mentioned. Usually I'm a fan of what they now refer to as "classic" rock or "Baby Boomer Music" but it hasn't been fitting in well with my uber-blue mood lately.

Tonight I'm keeping a date with Johnie Walker and watching old reruns of CSI. But they keep interupting my shows with tsunami warnings that are being broadcast for my part of the world. That's true, not a delusion. Really.

On a brighter note I'm working up my gumption to try to get together next week to have coffee with a woman I used to work with when I had a job. It's difficult to think about getting together with someone I used to know when I currently feel like such a bleak failure. I feel that if I try to fake a "happy face" it will come across as being insincere. The fear of being found out is almost as uncomfortable as the depression itself. Maybe it feels like a feeling of weakness.

FL,

maybe you shouldnt "fake" a happy face. just be honest. theres no harm in honesty. why not try turning up and saying how unhappy you have been since you left work, and maybe, just maybe you will find that she cares and will want to help. if not, well then she isnt worth the time of the day. please dont be fake, theres no need, if you are down, you are down, theres nothing you or anyone can do about it. lying abd being fake only causes more stress, as you boldly explained. ("I feel that if I try to fake a "happy face" it will come across as being insincere. The fear of being found out is almost as uncomfortable as the depression itself. Maybe it feels like a feeling of weakness")

learn to be yourself, you will find so many more honest reliable friends this way.

good luck, and know i am here if you need me.

simon

i agree with Simon's thoughts......just be yourself. it's less work. just let it all hang out.

R.L. Burnside was a blues singer years ago. from the south. they used some of his music on "The Sopranos"......"It's Bad You Know".....lots of harmonica. very bluesy. and i can't see your post now, so i think you asked about Primus......very hard rock band.....they do a cover of Pink Floyd's "Have a Cigar" that i am particularly fond of. i love the entire CD of "Nirvana Unplugged"....ANd i also love bluegrass. so, my taste in music runs the whole world over.....very eclectic taste......branch out a bit........ love, pat