Why don't they understand?

This will be quite long, so if you don't want to read it all, fair enough, but please refrain from commenting if you haven't.

I live at home, though I'm planning on moving out as soon as possible. Yesterday I had a rough breakdown, it wasn't easy and today I cleaned my room, it helped a bit.

I don't have any support from home nor from friends, because my family doesn't know and because I don't have any friends. I talk to people online, but that only yields so much.

My mother doesn't understand and isn't even trying to. I've given all the signs, it's all there, right in front of her, but she just get's mad and tells me I'm being a martyr and other patronizing comments. My father, well he's never saying anything.

It all started when I was 13, I had no friends, I was moving from school to school because I was being bullied. I finished high school with terrible grades, only an A+ in English.

Of course I did make friends, but they avoided me and the connection was lost. I never seemed to click with anyone, never seemed to fit in. I always thought something was wrong with me, I still do. Maybe I'm too practical, maybe the way I think is wrong etc.

It's stressful, always doubting yourself, always questioning your own logic, your own mentality. It's like I don't know who I am..

I got a sister and a brother, they don't understand anything either, siding with my mom, telling me I need help, that I'm wrong, that I always act out. Whenever my sister lost something, I was the suspect. Whenever something went wrong, it was my fault.

There's so many events that has left eternal marks on me, so many things that in my head, was so wrong. In my family, bringing up things from the past, incidents and such, it's not acceptable, because that means you're living in the past and you're judged, aka I get called a martyr.

Whenever I mention how much I do around the house, how hard I work to keep everything from falling apart, how much I really put my back into it - I'm "God's golden child" among other things, in the most degrading, patronizing way.

I feel guilty for feeling like I'm not appreciated, but in my head, it's because I'm really not appreciated at all. I don't smoke, which my brother does and in the past, that was a huge no-no, but now my parents don't really seem to care. I don't lie, I don't keep bad friends, I never borrow from my parents, I never get my dad to pick me up or drive me whenever I need to go somewhere.

I'm practical, I think of it in a way that spares my parent the worry and trouble, because I really don't like to trouble people with my life.

But when I mention this to them, again it's me who's the black sheep.

Is it so wrong to think of your family and not wanting to burden them with everything?

I never do anything for my own gain, I clean the house so my mom doesn't have to, I wash my own clothes, keep a steady economy for myself and pitch in with buying groceries and stuff for the household. I help whenever I can, but when I speak up and try to stand up for myself, saying that it's unfair that my brother for instance, never does anything, perhaps mows the lawn once in a blue moon and ASKS TO BE PAID? Is that just me being a huge martyr?

My brother is 18, he has ADHD, but is off meds, because he says he's doing fine without it. I disagree, he's aggressive and spiteful, he's unfocused and easily irritated. Anyways, he lives here, my sister moved out years ago, but visits every month. My brother isn't working atm, but when he was he made more money than I did and oddly enough, it was all gone within 2 weeks of being paid. He borrowed money not only from my parents, but from me as well and often never paid back, because of various and extremely questionable reasons.

When my parents found out he was smoking, they confronted him hundreds of times and always, he said no. They let it slide, over and over again, he has told more lies than the truth and what upsets me the most, is that they never do anything but reprimand him. No consequences, no nothing.

My mother even paid his phone bills, helped him out whenever he had wasted away all his money.

If I were to ask for money, I'd straight away get a huge no and they'd interrogate me about where my money were, what I had wasted them on.

I know this, because when I went to visit my ex in January and had spent little over half of my savings, came back and they asked how much I had spent - they, including my sister, looked at me with disappointment and what not.

My sister still brings up my savings, saying that maybe it's time I move out, perhaps I should get a car and such.

I'd never meddle in her business, mostly because of the past and how she still tries to control my life.

I never ask about her economy, never tell her what to buy.

But with my brother, this whole ordeal is just right out unfair. Yesterday, before my breakdown, my parents and I had a huge fight and no surprise, they were all mad at me.

I had chosen to ignore my brother, because he had told the lie that ended up being the last straw for me and what I could take. He's 18, acting out and is taking no responsibility for himself or his actions.

I had overheard a phone call between him and one of his friends, it was about drawing a mutual former friend of theirs out an apartment, it sounded very wrong and very illegal, so I told my parents.

They confronted him and once again, he lied and they believed him, let it slide once again and with no consequences.

I said it was unfair, because had I acted like that, done what he did, I'd be sent away from home right away.

They both got furious at me and I was sent to my room.

I spent the night crying and I just can't take this anymore. I feel so misunderstood, so mistreated and so lost.

I've been thinking of willingly admitting myself to the hospital for the summer, I just can't stay here anymore.

I can't tell them about my depression, exactly because of how they've reacted when I tried to in the past.

I can't get help from anyone in my family, they barely know me and we're not that close at all.

I feel as if I'm going insane.

Whenever I try to reason with my parents, they just put up barricades and lock me out, they don't even try to see it from my point of view.

In their world, problems are solved by forgiving and forgetting. No need to improve, no need for consequences. Had my brother stolen a car or killed someone, they would still see him as their favorite son and my sister as their favorite daughter.

I just don't understand their way of thinking, their way of parenting.

Or maybe I'm just wrong...

Hi there, Nat92. I'll just reply as I'm reading, as this is quite a long message, and I may forget if I reply at the end. xD

Ooo yeh. Tidy bedroom, tidy mind - am I right? I feel all over the place when my room is a tip; once its tidy, I start feeling a little together.

Agreed.

Back in the old days, I also had it all there for everyone to see. (I think at some point I realised I had OCD, and kept trying to tell people, but they weren't having it) My dad was the hardest person to convince I had some serious problems; it wasn't his fault, though. Back then, we saw a child-psychologist, who was a complete spoon, saying all EVERYTHING I did, was because of mummy and daddy splitting up; what a load of nonsense. ¬_¬

But yeah, when you're trying to say "Help!" and nobody listens, ... it's aggravating - if that's what you're getting at, then I totally relate. Luckily, as life went on, things started getting more obvious, I started getting worse, getting older so it wasn't just fobbed off with kid stuff, and so I ended up eventually getting some level of recognition (that I had these problems) and then some support. (meds, CBT, support offers I declined, and awaiting supported housing)

That's amazing. 'o.O I also did a lot of that moving around; it was horrible. So hard to settle. I came out of school with NO grades, thanks to bullying, home troubles, mental health, yadda yadda. My education came after school, when I taught myself. (lots of time on my hand, and the desire to learn, or "undo" the mess) So, I'd say you did quite well getting an A+ in English! Is English something you enjoy? 'cause that'd be a bonus.

Literally just said out-loud: "Aaaa, God yeh, you're telling me!" xD So basically, I know exactly how that feels! Particularly, because of my OCD. But yeah, it takes a lot of energy. >.<

And I'm betting it's double-standards, in that they can praise themselves and not get patronizing remarks.

I don't think it's wrong, but I do think family should be there for each other. (which they are not, for you)

Egh, God, I had a similar thing with my sister; she was like the "golden child", but me? I was the black sheep (still am, really) that does everything wrong and can't do anything right. It's no wonder I instantly feel guilty for crap that has nothing to do with me, ... but I'll find a way to make it about me. (not in a self-centered way, ... hopefully xD)

Yeah, I relate to a lot of that, unfortunately. :\

For me, it got easier as the years went by, ... I got smarter, my dad got smarter. As for my mother, I haven't seen her in over 10 years, nor heard even her voice, so I have no clue what the heck she thinks about me. (probably all sorts of horrible, crazy stuff. :\)

Keep sharing stuff here, if it helps get it out. I'd say you've earned it.

Take care.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to find someone who can relate. I mean, it really makes me feel less lonely. Whenever I brought all this up with some of the people I talk to online, they couldn't relate at all.

They were either close with their siblings or had none, divorced parents or one parent etc. Most of them found it weird that my sister is just 1 year older and that we're not even a bit close.

I feel like there's years between us because of the way she acts towards, always telling me what to do etc.

I regret you are being treated this way. Unfortunately, some parents are for some reason not fair to their children. I saw it with my cousins. There three of them. The first on the angel, the second was the scapegoat and the third child could also do know worong. The second child was blamed for everything and the first child would lie just to get her in trouble. I don't know what makes parents do this. I never have. I watched when I was a child and didn't get it. It made me glad to be an only child. I had rather be by myself than deal with all the drama they had in their family. I don't think there is anyway to understand their way of parenting, but you are not wrong, they are. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. I don't see any of them changing anytime soon. Keep saving your money and move out as soon as you can from this toxic family.

I did a bit of research on it and it's often the middle child that's well, the black sheep, the scapegoat etc. It's often because the first child, is well, the first child and the last child is the last.

I just never thought it could apply to me, but it clearly does. God forbid something happened to my sister, God forbid something happened to my brother. But if I collapse on the street and is brought to the E.R on the day of my exam, well I'll be ok according to my mom, it's nothing.

Oh the feels. Well I'm a mighty 33. I was shuffled around quite a bit when I was a teen and I like you always felt like there was some sort of bubble seperating me from all my peers. I just drew up walls and said "eh I'm different, thank goodness" It is lonely though. I don't want to dictate to your family.. but do they realize they drove one daughter to rarely visit and next they will have a son who will be an eternal mooch and then a daughter (you) who will emotionally disown them? I'm sure if you told them they'll tell you "You're being overly dramatic" *smh*
I have an idea.. What if you took a summer class in something you enjoy doing? You don't have to talk to anyone in the class even try to make friends, but find an interest outside the house and don't tell your family about it. You're an adult right? If they ask then say "I'm going to do my thing."
I'm not going to feed you a b.s. it gets better line because it's not always better, but you can control what you want to do and they can't So nee ner nee ner nee ner to them

All i can say is, that's pretty much what my family is like as well. Never enough, always patronizing while you're the most 'real'. No advice, only that if you can, get out of that envirement.
((((hugs)))))

We had a lesser version of what you described at our house when I was growing up. The response to me whenever I was upset about anything was a patronizing, "don't be so melodramatic" and then no validation or problem-solving ever occurred. Or if my brother and I fought they'd just separate us instead of problem-solving, and my brother and I still can't stand each other to this day (we're in our 40's). I think a lot of people think parenting is going to be this lovely magical thing and then when inevitable sibling spats happen, the parents refuse to acknowledge it or use it as a teaching moment because they have no idea how to do those things. It's all just a big annoyance and that magical view of parenthood turns into stone cold cynicism.

Anyway, I really like HusleysParadox's suggestion: "I have an idea.. What if you took a summer class in something you enjoy doing? You don't have to talk to anyone in the class even try to make friends, but find an interest outside the house and don't tell your family about it. You're an adult right? If they ask then say "I'm going to do my thing."

Truly brilliant. If there are no sensible boundaries at home, then create your own outside of home and focus on that as much as you can while tuning out the home situation as much as you can. One thing about that - my mom found respite in learning to do things her overbearing parents knew nothing about, so that they couldn't try to control what she was doing and they couldn't criticize her. She learned to sew and play violin, two things they knew absolutely nothing about, and they were great escapes for her. I've recently started beekeeping, and am having a similar experience. Other people are interested but can't tell me what to do or criticize me because they know even less about it that I do (which isn't much yet, I'll admit). Is there anything that interests you that they know absolutely nothing about? Choosing something like that is another way to distance yourself from the craziness at home.

Good luck. I hope you find effective ways to cope with all of the frustration, which is putting it mildly from the sound of it. I hope you find your own respite and are able to tune out all of the negativity.

Hi Nat92, I completely understand your frustration with your family. My family isn't exactly the same, but we have a dysfunctional dynamic. My family just adds to my depression, whether they realize it or not.

I don't have any advice for you, because I am still in the throes of it despite living hundreds of miles away from my family. But, I can tell you that many people can actually relate to your story even if they are not in the chatrooms or post a reply.

We are all here to be supportive, so I hope you find some comfort in the replies on this thread.

Hi Nat92, I am sorry that you're having to go through such a tough time. I personally have had my share of experiences with family issues and whatnot, although I doubt it is as bad as you describe, seeing that as I technically am an only child myself. (I have three half-sisters, do they count lol?). Anyways I can only tell you to try and stay strong no matter how hard it sounds, because there will be better days ahead. Just try and find one goal to work towards to help alleviate your situation and work hard towards that goal. Anyways, I wish you the best.