[Christina86]

I should be happy. I'm doing alright so far in school, my family is being at least decent to me, my friends care a whole bunch about me and I just found out my roomate should be out of the hospital later this week...

Why am I not #!$&ing happy?!?

I had therapy today. It was completely useless. I can't talk, I can't cry, I feel like I'm in a big all-encompassing fog of despair and loneliness and misery and I don't know how to get out of it.

I'm dealing with thoughts that I'd rather not put up with, and trying really hard to take better care of myself and do more good in my life. Trying to believe all the nice stuff people say about me.

Nothing is working.

I so entirely want to quit.

Please tell me I can get through this in one piece, I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams.

I'm so scared to post this... I've made two posts the last two days, both deleted. I'm not one to ask for help but I know that sometimes that is something I need.

It's the depression, sweetie. It can overwhelm you with a sense of despair, like everything is covered in a thick black muck. It has an "oh woe is me" hopelessness to it.

The emotional "numbing" you are describing is a symptom of depression. It happens sometimes when the pain is so intense you just shut down so you don't feel it -- or anything for that matter.

I see you have a tendency to judge yourself harshly. Just try to remember that it's the negative voice of depression talking. That's why it's hard to believe your friends. It's loud and boisterous but WRONG.

Are you on meds? If so, maybe you need to speak to P-doc for a tweaking. If not, maybe you need to talk to someone about starting.

[Christina86]

IDK about meds Petunia ... every time I get up the nerve to almost think about telling someone, something inside of me switches on and guess who becomes the happiest person anywhere?! ME.

I can only be honest by my lonesome or in writing.

I am such a fake.

Thanks Petunia ((((((()))))))))

I can only be honest by my lonesome or in writing.

Then write. Write about how dark things are and how you can't stand it anymore. Write about how hopeless you feel. Write about feeling like a fake. Write about how you are afraid to ask for help and how you come so close to asking about meds....

Write write write it all out then hand it to your T. If you can't hand it to her...mail it. Or better yet, print out this thread.

There is hope, Christina. You can do it. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

[Christina86]

Ok.

((( Gus )))

[Christina86]

LMAO Petunia.

Very funny.

Thanks you (((((((((()))))))))))

[jlove973]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Petunia said:
I can only be honest by my lonesome or in writing.

Then write. Write about how dark things are and how you can't stand it anymore. Write about how hopeless you feel. Write about feeling like a fake. Write about how you are afraid to ask for help and how you come so close to asking about meds....

Write write write it all out then hand it to your T. If you can't hand it to her...mail it. Or better yet, print out this thread.

There is hope, Christina. You can do it. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with Petunia. My T has me do the same thing so that's what I do. Write write write. Then I pass it to her at our appt.
You are a wonderful person and don't you ever forget that!!((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))

[Zen888]

((((((((((((((Canders))))))))))))))))))))))

Have you considered volunteering? or Taking a course.....say a cooking or arts course?

Take Care

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((((( Christina )))))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

Thanks ((((((((((jlove)))))))))))))

Pilatus, thanks for the idea. I do volunteer but sometimes I'm told I try to do too much. *sigh* ((((((((Pilatus)))))))))))

((((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

[Christina86]

My mood is worse today. And I'm sick.

My friends actually TOLD ME to go back to residence. And they also asked me why I got out of bed this morning ... Would it sound self-centred or dependent to say I got out of bed not to go to class (which I did) but to see them?

I'm too tired to do anything. Can't focus. Can't cry. I don't know what to write anymore to help myself.

Future is what you make of it ... but mine just seems bleak and hard and stressful.

I don't want these mood swings anymore.