I can't carry on like this

I feel like I have this double existance sometimes, I can be entirely functioning at work and nobody would ever be able to tell that I feel like I'm dying inside my head at the same time

I don't think I'm going insane because I'm totally aware of it all the time, like externally I'm doing what needs to be done to maintain my job and my life as it is but internally like all hell is breaking loose and I just want to walk out the door and keep on walking

Its exhausting to live like this, my body is so tired that I can hardly move some days but my thoughts race, even I can't keep up with what I'm thinking alot of the time so I can never sort anything out in my own head.

I feel like if I stop for a second its all going to crash down around me, like I'm being chased by a tsunami that I can't see, I just know its there and I have to keep going

I also feel like a terrible person. I am so self obsessed. My best friend told me she is engaged today and all I could think was why does she get to be so settled with her house and car and job and fiance and I am acheiving nothing more than maintaining a very unexciting job and still living with my parents when she is only a year older than me.

I feel entirely inferior and unworthy of having any of the things I want and therefore will never have because I don't feel I deserve them. I guess its a vicious circle.

I want to quit my job and rest but if I do that, I will lose the only stabalizing aspect in my life and will just stay in bed. I had a week off recently and I left my house 3 times, the rest of the time I didn't even get dressed and I know I have to change this. The problem is, I don't even know where to begin because I can't verbalize the way I think when I need to, when I see my doctor I tell her I'm okay and then (understandably) she says that my medication (Dosulepin 75mg/day) is doing its job. I don't know what to do

Does anyone ever feel this way or is it just me?

Hello I hope things get better for you soon. You really need to try the Dr the truth as soon as you can so that your medication can be adjusted for your benefit and you can feel better. You do not have to go through all of this to the degree of going into a crisis all of the time if you get the help you need. You are not going to scare your Dr by telling them the truth the only thing you have to gain by getting the right medication dose is feeling better. You may want to Pm dr Psisci or Doc John to talk to them if you dont feel that you can talk to your Dr at this time to get some advice from them. I feel that waiting to talk to your Dr is not benefitting you and you need the right medication. I hope you feel better soon. Take care Soidhonia

please tell your doctor what you told us....okay? xoxoxo pat

Yes, PolkadotPixie,

I have felt like that. When I was working, I worked as a clerk in a grocery store and had customers all day long or night long.

Anyways, I would have a big smile on my face and joke back and forth with the customers and the whole time, I was dying inside. I felt like such a fake. But, I didn't want anyone to know that I could care less about them or anyone else. I just wanted to get my shift overwith so I could go home.

I lived like that for quite awhile until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally went to my doctor and broke down right there in his office. I cried like a baby. I guess I had held it inside for so long that it was a big release.
He put me on an anti-depressant and it didn't work. I tried several before we came up with a good combo. I now take two different kinds of anti-depressants and so far they are working pretty well. I still have days where I feel it creeping back but I try and fight it with all I have.

I guess I will fight it for the rest of my life.

So, yes, I do understand how you feel. I do hope that you will go to your doc and be honest with her. She can't help you unless you help yourself and the first step is to be honest.

I wish you all the best and let us know how you do. K?
Hugs,
Linda

Thanks for your replies everyone, I really do appreciate you all taking the time to read what I wrote and reply to me

Boopers, I work in a shop too so I can totally identify with the putting a face on for the customers. Sometimes though I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I find myself counting the hours and minutes till I don't have to be around them anymore

I'm going to see my doctor again on tuesday for my monthly appointment to discuss how I'm doing. I'm really going to try to tell her how I'm feeling this time and then maybe she can help me. I find it really hard to explain though as there isn't really anything I can explain and I'm not really a crying sort of person so I don't think its very obvious how bad I'm feeling.

I thought I might write a list, maybe that will me express myself a bit better, I'm dreading it though...I don't know why but I have this constant underlying fear that she will say theres nothing wrong with me, I'm imagining it or laugh at me. I know its irrational because a doctor surely wouldn't do that but it really bothers me, I know its stupid

Hi again everyone

Well, I went to my appointment on tuesday and my usual doctor wasn't available so I saw a different one and she was so nice! I felt like she was listening to me a lot more than my usual doctor so I am going to see her from now on I think

She has upped my medication to 125mg/day of Dosulepin from 75mg and she said that if I reach the maximum dose (150mg) and its not working then she will switch me to something else but wants to try this way first.

I'm just glad she was listening to me and she's going to chase up my therapy referral as well. Obviously the medication increase hasn't kicked in yet but the thought that she is willing to try to help me has made me feel a bit more positive anyway

Hope everyone else is doing okay anyway, just thought I'd share a bit of positive news

That is good news... and evidence that she believed "you can't carry on like" you were. Good wishes!

Hello good to hear the good news. I hope everything goes well with your new therapist, and your meds get adjusted soon so that you can feel better.. Take care Soidhonia

Oh, I'm so happy for you. It sounds like you have a great new doc. Wonderful.

I do hope that upping your med will help you. Just be sure to let her know if it isn't working so she can up it again.

Thank you so much for giving us an update. We really do care about you and what happens to you.

Hugs,
Boopers