[Kellarella]

Hey Everyone,

I was on the boards a while ago, not sure if anyone remembers me, I usually hung around the anxiety area!

I did suffer a really big anxiety thing last year, but it was temporary (at the time there was no way you could tell me that, I wouldn't have believed you!!!)
Took me about 9 months to stop the anxiety attacks fully, was on meds for a while, lots of relaxation, walking and supportive friends/family... went back to uni after taking 6 months off, and everything was on the up for a while...

But there is something still wrong, it's been there the whole time, but now all the anxiety has gone its really persistant and obvious to me...

It's really really hard to explain.. it's like im not like me anymore, I can sometimes be normal... because of what happened, I think about it every time I wake up, and many times thoughout the day, and it's like sometimes when I forget I am ok, other times I feel very weird, like a down feeling, not suicidal or anything...

It's almost like I am depressed but constantly fighting the feelings or scared of the feelings... so hard to explain... for example, I will be sitting here by myself and all of s sudden feel really really low, tired and like I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, then I feel really worried about why I am feeling like that, and i think, what is wrong with me?? Am I going to keep feeling so up and down all day??

I get really irrational thinking that maybe I have never been ok, that I am not ok now at all, I am acting like i'm depressed, people know etc...

I have no idea whether I am getting better or worse, but I am so mad at myself that I can't be the way I used to be (before the anxiety thing, I was fine, nothing like this had ever happened before, didn't even think about ever having anxiety/depression etc)

This is so long, and really confusing, so sorry!

I would just like to know what people think, cause trying to explain this to my mum/b'/f etc, they say you are fine! waaaay better than before, don't stress everyone has down days....

Thanks for reading,

Kel xxx

could it be depression? have you talked to a therapist or Pdoc?

keep posting........pat

[Perna]

Kel, sounds like you're "growing" and beginning questioning your life/way things are. I don't think we stay the same forever (just our "core" does) but constantly change and "evolve." Do you do any writing?

Expressing how I felt through writing and comparing/contrasting to previous feelings and thinking about the future and what I'd like went a long way to helping me begin to understand all of me.

I enjoyed therapy too, talking with someone else and learning to express myself to myself and my therapist, "playing" with and getting a better feel for thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. so I could better use all of myself and attributes, skills, characteristics; get a better idea of the "whole" Me.

There's nothing "wrong" about us, an illness or problem is not "wrong" but just part of life. It's no more wrong to have doubts than it is to have a broken arm. We're alive! (and I mean that in a good way, not a Frankenstein one :-)

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope things are getting better for you at this time. Sometimes when things happen you have to adjust to how you have to live your life around anxiety or depression. This does not make you a weak person, you just have to be aware of what is necessary to live your life in a manner that you want and deserve. Are you seeing a therapist and Psych Dr. Seeing a professional is a number one keuy to success in recovering from a disorder. Also there aresupport group like NAMI and DBSA or possibly others that may be a great help in recovery with your mental health management team. The main issue is not to surrender to the disorder and become weakened by not getting the help you need. I have PTSD anxiety depression and flashbacks, but I have found that a positive motivation and attitude and the right MENTAL health management is necessary to persevere in life. I hope the best for you in the future you are not alone I hope you get the help you need and deserve to be able to go on with your life. Take care Soidhonia

[Boopers]

Hi Kel,

I do hope that things are looking up for you.
It sounds like you are fighting depression and so far, you are winning.
I hope that contines.
Good luck,
Linda

[Kellarella]

Thanks everyone for your replies :-)

I have finally decided to tell my mum about this (since the major anxiety episode, I haven't said much, she assumes I am back to normal)

She was pretty good about it, but still maintains that it is totally normal, and that everyone feels like it at some point, that she too feels like it often and that exercise, eating well, and doing things that make me happy will manage it... she said it could even just be a hormone imbalance causing the mood swings...

All this advice was great, however still leaves me with the feeling that it wont make it go away, and still I don't know exactly what it is...

So I really pushed the fact that I need to see someone, she was quite supportive and said that if I feel I need to, then I should.

In a way this feels like I am going right back where I was, seeing psychiatrists and psychologists, and I never ever ever want to feel the way I felt then!!

I am going to just see my GP and psychologist I think, I don't want to go back on meds, I really don't like them and feel I am in a place now where I don't need them.

The feelings are still there, but I am trying to monitor them and try and find a pattern of when I feel low, when I feel good... The hardest thing is though, when I feel good, I feel like I don't need to see anyone anymore, that I am great, life is good etc...

Thanks again everyone for your advice, will get onto this before it gets any worse!

Kel xxx