[ak482]

What am I even doing here anymore? Today, even by my inept standards, I was unconscionably stupid at work, causing myself and others to stay late. Why do I enjoy being such a brain dead imbecile? I know why no woman wants me: I'm fat, idiotic, and boring. I don't do any good for anyone. I not only don't deserve my job, I doubt if I deserve my life

[glok]

Hello, ak482. You have some work to do to make a more meaningful life. Perhaps, this post will help you:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/self-...self-talk.html

[shabur]

ak, you do deserve to live. I have been where you are, questioning if I should continue. You're struggling right now. You need the help of a therapist to help you through. There is a way to the other side of this.

[TheatreKid]

No one should have to earn their life. You deserve a good life, and you can have one with the right support and some elbow grease.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ak82, OK maybe you feel that you did the stupidest thing but that does not make you stupid.
And you know, we're all (at least the vast majority of us!!) going to do the stupidest thing/s at times for no reason, or no justifiable reason we can see when we look back on things. It's much more about where/how we move on from them and learn from them. I mean, sometimes we may make the same/similar mistakes again but it's as much about learning processes.
Still right now all it says (if you're right about it) is that your action/s weren't really the right thing to do (for whatever reasons) in the circumstances not that you were stupid.
And hey, could some of those reasons be down to you unfairly doubting yourself, loosing focus if you're not feeling good about you/about your life, lacking the energy/the motivation/the attention because of how you're feeling.................you know seems understandable you could make more mistakes feeling like that. So judging yourself/your actions too harshly there, maybe????
And your, inept standards..............to me you're definitely sounding like you're depressed. Would you agree just a little?? And depression can make you "drop the ball" at times, as well as thinking the worse about yourself. With depression, you've enough to cope with, without blaming yourself (unfairly!!) for things too!!
And, you know I'm going to link in all this: " I'm fat, idiotic, and boring. I don't do any good for anyone. I not only don't deserve my job, I doubt if I deserve my life" with depression too!!
The "no woman wants me bit" I've just seen some of your previous threads (answered one) but other people have no doubt given much better advise than I did so.........leaving that one, unless............???
But ak, you do deserve so much better than the way you're feeling right now!! And that is possible. Anyone is worth so much more than the way you're feeling right now!! Really!!!
So I'm really sorry but you're going to need to refresh me a little here.........are you seeing a T or getting any other help in what you're going through, or something you could maybe consider bearing in mind the way you're feeling??
Although we're here for you too, if you just want to talk a bit more about things, right now.................
Alison

[ak482]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi ak82, OK maybe you feel that you did the stupidest thing but that does not make you stupid.
And you know, we're all (at least the vast majority of us!!) going to do the stupidest thing/s at times for no reason, or no justifiable reason we can see when we look back on things. It's much more about where/how we move on from them and learn from them. I mean, sometimes we may make the same/similar mistakes again but it's as much about learning processes.
Still right now all it says (if you're right about it) is that your action/s weren't really the right thing to do (for whatever reasons) in the circumstances not that you were stupid.
And hey, could some of those reasons be down to you unfairly doubting yourself, loosing focus if you're not feeling good about you/about your life, lacking the energy/the motivation/the attention because of how you're feeling.................you know seems understandable you could make more mistakes feeling like that. So judging yourself/your actions too harshly there, maybe????
And your, inept standards..............to me you're definitely sounding like you're depressed. Would you agree just a little?? And depression can make you "drop the ball" at times, as well as thinking the worse about yourself. With depression, you've enough to cope with, without blaming yourself (unfairly!!) for things too!!
And, you know I'm going to link in all this: " I'm fat, idiotic, and boring. I don't do any good for anyone. I not only don't deserve my job, I doubt if I deserve my life" with depression too!!
The "no woman wants me bit" I've just seen some of your previous threads (answered one) but other people have no doubt given much better advise than I did so.........leaving that one, unless............???
But ak, you do deserve so much better than the way you're feeling right now!! And that is possible. Anyone is worth so much more than the way you're feeling right now!! Really!!!
So I'm really sorry but you're going to need to refresh me a little here.........are you seeing a T or getting any other help in what you're going through, or something you could maybe consider bearing in mind the way you're feeling??
Although we're here for you too, if you just want to talk a bit more about things, right now.................
Alison

I will be seeing a sex therapist next week, that is the root of my issues. Any and all mistakes I make trigger the negative thoughts that are brought upon by my lack of sex. Particularly those that I have made, like thinking I can fill all of the orders myself and thus having to make others stay late because I couldn't. My feeling is: how could anyone with a functioning brain make mistakes like that? I don't have time to reflect or think about the process when I have hundreds of scripts to fill and get out by 5:30 PM with such stuff as having to correct labels, change NDC numbers, etc. No excuses, if the work doesn't get done, I pay the piper for it.

[waterknob1234]

Hi ak, it sounds like you have way too much work to do and could use some help. Of course the place where you work might not be willing to pay another person with your skills and training to do what you do. Filling prescriptions is a big and serious responsibility. I think if you were stupid you would never have been hired to do the job you do and to me you sound as if you do it well. You sound like a diligent, hard working, caring and responsible person with a little too much on your plate. You are a worthwhile person and you deserve to live a good life with more joy. I can so relate to how you feel because it sounds sort of like my life. You seem to be a good person. Best of wishes to you.

[Altered Moment]

My Dad, Brother, and sister in law are all pharmacist. My Dad worked retail pharmacy his whole life. The first half wasn't so bad and there were not the sheer volume of scripts there is now and there was not all the insurance stuff. When my bother started at Rite Aid he was filling between 200 and 300 a day. Sounds very repetitive and monotonous to me. You don't get to use your scientific expertise too much.

Is it possible to get a job at a smaller Mom and Pop pharmacy? Less volume and perhaps more patient interaction?

Originally Posted by ak482

W.........I not only don't deserve my job, I doubt if I deserve my life

Apparently God thought otherwise. I will choose to believe his viewpoint.

[winter4me]

Don't be afraid to Share the work, everyone wants to contribute (or will if you think that way, act that way, build a team at work), a little humor also goes a long way. It sounds as though you need to find a way to leave your personal issues "at the door"---got a T?
Any chance of doing something before work to help jump start the day/relax the mind and body? (go to gym, take walk, use positive meditation---lots of good u-tube material for exercise/relaxation etc)---after work also...
We are all a bit broken...and, as another says, you do not have to Earn your life. You already have it.

[Idiot17]

I ask that question often enough myself.

[Fuzzybear]

[Frankbtl]

Hi ak, well you've already got some really good feedback............so not a lot to say..............but it does sound like your job can be stressful/pressurized and under that type of condition anyone can potentially make a mistake/s, but with the way you're feeling on top of that as well..................
So, yes, you still have a functioning brain, it's just getting a bit much thrown it's way right now to handle it all as efficiently as you may like. Our brains can only handle/take in so much, right?!!
Do you think you could pull in any techniques to help you a bit more at work e.g. preplan/write down what you need to get done (that way maybe you'd have seen just how big a job you were about to take on???) and prioritize, identify when someone else can help and with what, set some deadlines to meet, try to find some easier/quicker ways to do some things, ask other people how they're managing to get things done (if they are!!!) ..................And if you can take a few more (breaks) to allow you to "release some of that tension/pressure".
It is really good that you've made an effort to seek out help for what's going on for you though, and that you're trying to make some changes you feel will benefit you.
Best wishes
Alison

[Hellion]

I don't see why not, unless your goal in life is to hurt people around you and/or destroy the world, which I am kind of doubting.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

My Dad, Brother, and sister in law are all pharmacist. My Dad worked retail pharmacy his whole life. The first half wasn't so bad and there were not the sheer volume of scripts there is now and there was not all the insurance stuff. When my bother started at Rite Aid he was filling between 200 and 300 a day. Sounds very repetitive and monotonous to me. You don't get to use your scientific expertise too much.

Is it possible to get a job at a smaller Mom and Pop pharmacy? Less volume and perhaps more patient interaction?

I actually don't work in a retail pharmacy. I work in a central fill for the state of Ohio, no customers or insurance to deal with. You're right about the overall lack of knowledge I get to use, the only times I use it is if I think there's something about a script or splitting a pill I don't think should be. In general, the atmosphere is rather ideal for me, except for my ineptitude.

Alison: I am making steps, but right now my world is collapsing. I don't know how long I can go before a complete collapse Short of pure isolation, my triggers are everywhere, from co-workers (who now hate my guts thanks to my incompetence and non-funny cracks ) to feeling rushed causing me to make mistakes. Those two things cause all the negativity I have about myself to come out. This is not to say every tiny mistake (like an extra pill in a blister cell or needing a small label on an inhaler) gets me going. What sets me off is a simple but large mistake that I should know what to do. Right now, I just want to literally be left alone at work, it's best for everyone. Other than that, the only thing I want to do is sleep, just sleep.

[ak482]

Right now, I have hit a wall. I have lost almost all faith in my ability to do my job, no matter what I do I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel helpless and way too far inside my head.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ak, your ability to do the job is there. I'd say that it's just really hard for you to be implementing it right now with the way you're feeling.
Do you think you could talk to a doctor or pdoc about the way you're feeling if right now you're finding it really difficult to cope. And that says nothing about your abilities- much more about about your stress/depression (?).
As for your co-workers though, they hate you- well that's coming from their ignorance. If they just checked in with you then they'd be knowing that it wasn't that you were deliberately making the wrong move/s. You know thinking things over and deciding on............it's much more about you being so stuck/overwhelmed/stressed so you weren't able at the time/s to recognize the right move/s. And there's a massive difference between those two things. Maybe talk to them????????
Or maybe they don't hate you, depression/anxiety can sometimes be making you see things that aren't exactly there.
And feeling rushed: well you're going to be doing all you can right?? Just keep a hold on that, and if you need time to recheck things, to be methodical then you are just doing your job as far as anyone is concerned. It might take a bit longer with the way you're feeling but if you can take a breather and focus on "a system" it might help a bit??
Even write yourself a to-do list and work off the top priorities, or as you're going along make a note of the things you have been doing so you can evidence why x, y and z have to wait. And I'm guessing that might even give you something to look back on and think you're doing more than you thought??
But any big mistakes..........well "justify" why they were made as a step forward to not making them again........could be too much of a workload (and look towards your managers ? in helping with that- only so much someone can do efficiently, right?)...........could be not having enough time (well similar to workload)...........could be not having as much support as you need/could expect from others (and that again can maybe be rectified).
And I've got to say........feeling that you're doing everything wrong........are you maybe forgetting all the things you're doing right??!! All the things that you aren't making mistakes with?? All the things you may not be being credited with- then you can give yourself credit for those ??
Sometimes mistakes can stand out so much more than all the rest, but that doesn't alwayshave to be the case.
Alison

[Altered Moment]

I am a plumber and for most of my life I was very very good at all aspects of the job from managing, business, autocad design, installation, all of it. I got a lot of satisfaction from this and was very productive. This was all when I was not depressed. When I was depressed I totally lacked all of those things. My last job which was a very good one I became unable to perform even after getting awards just a few months earlier. I forced myself to go for two months even though I was severely depressed. My performance went down and down and everyone noticed. Finally I just couldn't make it in the morning and ended up getting fired even though I was honest about what was going on with me. It was not my capabilities but the depression that caused this. That is my reality.

There is the family medical leave act which allows you to take time off to get the help you need and they cannot touch your job or your insurance. It is unpaid however. Does Ohio have a state disability insurance program?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ak482]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I am a plumber and for most of my life I was very very good at all aspects of the job from managing, business, autocad design, installation, all of it. I got a lot of satisfaction from this and was very productive. This was all when I was not depressed. When I was depressed I totally lacked all of those things. My last job which was a very good one I became unable to perform even after getting awards just a few months earlier. I forced myself to go for two months even though I was severely depressed. My performance went down and down and everyone noticed. Finally I just couldn't make it in the morning and ended up getting fired even though I was honest about what was going on with me. It was not my capabilities but the depression that caused this. That is my reality.

There is the family medical leave act which allows you to take time off to get the help you need and they cannot touch your job or your insurance. It is unpaid however. Does Ohio have a state disability insurance program?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Unfortunately, I am on through a staffing agency, so I seriously doubt I can take leave time and keep my job

[Davyblues]

If you really love your job and want to do well you will succeed. The fact you are annoyed shows you care and tomorrow thank those for staying behind. I have had people leave me behind to take all the stress til late hours when I would have stayed to help them.
You see liked or no one would have helped.
Sounds to me like you are going to make every effort to finish on time now and you know if you don't and the agency isn't happy then fu£k them they don't deserve you.

Well done for staying back and working extra a lot of £100,000 a month footballers make mistakes just stand there and watch everyone else track back to fix it.
Good on you.

And remember agencies make money out of you so you are the boss pick another and move on til you find the right one.

Goodluck

Davy

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[waterknob1234]

My heart cries for you ak because I understand what you are going thru. Your work sounds so much like my job situation. I am a medical assistant in a doctor's office. A new company took over our office and gave everybody extra work. One medical assistant quit and they did not replace her. We are told to do more with less and threatened constantly. I am the one that can't handle it. My coworkers always seem to be irritated with me, or else my depression paranoia makes it seem that way. I know what it's like to feel incompetent at something you trained for and worked for all your life. You are in my prayers and my heart goes out to you. Have you tried seeing a therapist or a pdoc? Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help. Eventually a different pharmacy or different job might help. I wish you well. Message me if you ever want to talk.

[nummy]

You have to remember that depression is a treatable disease. And that lack if concentration is a symptom of depression.

You wouldn't berate yourself if your coworkers had to stay late if you had a seizure, would you? Or blame a coworker?

If course you deserve to live. You deserve to get help, and be happy, so life's challenges can let you show your true light, not this depression thing coloring your life in darkness.

[ak482]

Originally Posted by nummy

You have to remember that depression is a treatable disease. And that lack if concentration is a symptom of depression.

You wouldn't berate yourself if your coworkers had to stay late if you had a seizure, would you? Or blame a coworker?

If course you deserve to live. You deserve to get help, and be happy, so life's challenges can let you show your true light, not this depression thing coloring your life in darkness.

Here's why people get pissed at me (at least in my mind): I am the only person in the pharmacy who lives completely alone. I have no one to take care of at home, no spouse, kids, or pets. And yet people with those responsibilities have to stay late in part due to my incompetence I should be the sole person to clean up my mess, especially since I have nothing other than my TV, bed, and iPad to come home to.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I really like the self-talk suggestion another poster mentioned. I believe there is a link. Self-talk is a big topic in my therapy. Mindfulness helps too. Once you realize the negative things you say and feel about yourself, or when you are being hard on yourself, you will be able to stop, think, and redirect. That is the challenging part and it takes a lot of mindful thinking. Eventually it becomes second-nature. I highly recommend trying!

I also agree with Glok regarding giving your meaning to your life. That is something I struggle with as well but I found something I wanted to apply for to volunteer and just the thought of it gives me a feeling of higher purpose, beyond all other shortcomings and hardships.

I hope things ease up for you. You deserve happiness.

[nummy]

Originally Posted by ak482

Here's why people get pissed at me (at least in my mind): I am the only person in the pharmacy who lives completely alone. I have no one to take care of at home, no spouse, kids, or pets. And yet people with those responsibilities have to stay late in part due to my incompetence I should be the sole person to clean up my mess, especially since I have nothing other than my TV, bed, and iPad to come home to.

You can't know how meaningful your coworkers feel their lives are. And we all know how loneliness can drain you of energy. Stop worrying about yesterday. It's done. Make today the best today you can.

What does your therapist say?