We hope everyone will read this. (Possible trigger: mentions of SU)

Thanks for a great post. THis is actually what my therapist talked with me about last time we met and it has been really helpful. I'm not thinking about killing myself all the time and I feel a little better. I'm not talking miracles, and I still feel depressed. But there is something to be said for making the choice to live.

Okay, I freaking give up. You let me have five whole days to write. I hope you all feel guilty.

Just kidding. Sorta. It's nice to see new (faces?) here. I make the pledge everyday, even if it's just to one friend.

I've been doing a tremendous amount of research and have stumbled across some facts that are totally going to blow your mind. It did me. I can't talk about it yet. But I promise you'll like it. Honest.

I'm going to try and catch up on my mail-please be patient with me. It's really wonderful to be surrounded by all this love.

And Rainbowfairy-honey I just don't get what your criticism is all about. You're not a robot. You're not a stepford wife. Did you really spend so much time thinking about negative things that you have to find something gigantic to fill that void? OMG, I wish I had all the time you do! I'm busier than a one armed paper hanger in a wire coat factory. And that's probably the worst metaphor I've ever written and makes absolutely no sense.
Try writing a book or two. Or spend hours doing research. Come and vacuum all the hairballs up off my carpet. That would keep you busy for a week.

I'm anxious to read all the new posts in here and see how everyone is doing. Even if you feel you can't make the pledge yet, at least you came for the party.

I pledge to kick suicide to the curb for the next 24 hours. I will try to fill my time with something useful and help other people whenever possible.

And here is the kicker. I have not experienced a depression or a manic episode for more than eight weeks now. And according to some sources-that means I am in remission. Bipolar remission. Who'd a thunk it?

Peace and love, Tea

I'm struggling to post here. That's probably bad. It certainly proves the theory about keeping suicide in my back pocket. I think it lingers there all the time. And right now, depression is slowly swallowing me again. I can feel it. The only way I can really describe it is... as this black cloud that swallows my brain whole, until it's the only thing that matters. And when I'm there... well, suicidal ideation starts to take over. I can't help but wonder... if such a pledge would really make a difference... if I reached the low I had reached in November. I don't think it would have.

Nevertheless, I like this idea. At the very least, it might help me think about something else. Something other than the thoughts I tend to have. As it stands, right now, I find that both of my back pockets are occupied constantly - one with suicide, one with my eating disorder. And in the back of my mind, I consider these... safe to fall onto if I feel I 'need' to. 'Need' to. Why would anyone need something so destructive and devastating? Depression is strange like that. Logic has no place in it sometimes...

But I don't want either in my back pocket. I don't. So, I'll take the pledge for the next 24 hours.

Dear Tea & Sympathy,

Wow. I am very surprised to see this. I don't recall criticising. What I recall, and what you will see if you read your thread is that several people who thought this was a good idea, believed it would be easier for some to replace one coping tool with another. I'm afraid that is not criticism, it is simple common-sense. I suggested what I did because I thought I was helping those who wanted to take part but felt they couldn't.

And that is where my justification stops. I don't respond to ignorance regarding my condition. If you want to know more about obsessive thinking, do some research on the obsessive component of OCD, and the trauma-related rumination component of Complex PTSD.

As a full-time psychology student, mental health worker, musician, mother, partner, friend - I think you'll find I am quite busy. And speaking of research - my dissertation is almost finished.

Clearly you felt I was judging you, but like I said, that could be rectified by reading your own thread, should you wish to realise your (apparent) attack is misguided.

Rainbowfairy, I didn't understand why she said this either. I even went back and reread everything trying to figure it out to no avail. Odd.

Hey Bronzeowl-You rock!

I am so happy that even through the black cloud you are able to weigh things out so carefully and in a calm and rational manner. I think one of the really negative componants of bipolar is that we tend to accept it, unconditionally. For me, it was like, okay-I'm bipolar and I'm supposed to be in this dark place so why fight it?

But you are fighting it and that is awesome. I'm so sorry that you have to fight an eating disorder as well. I've been there, too, so I understand the double whammy. And it's okay that you are struggling-it means you are fighting. It means that you don't really want to be in this dark place and that you are looking for options. Another victory for you-I hope with all my heart that your load feels a little bit lighter. You made it through November, right? So maybe you can make it through July, 24 hours at a time. We will be here for you. We will be here for you-everyday.

One of the truths I've discovered about bipolar is that if you look right at it, and spit in it's eye-it starts to lose some of it's power. I used to believe that I was hopelessly stuck-forver-but I've learned that does not have to be the case. And if you need to talk, or rant, this is a great place to do it.

And if you feel like you need someone on your side-pm me. We'll take up our swords and fight the trickster two at a time.
Thank you for taking the pledge. Tea

I can do this today

Rainbowfairy-

I'm so sorry you feel as if I am attacking you. I have a wierd sense of humor and some people just don't get it sometimes. I'm happy you have a full life and it sounds as if you are really on track.

You are certainly free to post wherever you like, and say whatever you feel. As am I. And it's great that you are trying to offer people other coping skills. It sounds like you have a great deal to offer those who suffer as you do. Perhaps if you started a thread about it, you would be able to educate people about having other options.

You obviously have a great deal more education than I do, and perhaps I am just not able to grasp all the details. (And congratulations on your dissertation-hope I spelled that right!-what an incredible accomplishment!)

You certainly have the right to disagree, and you have. Several times. I just don't want the folks here to be confused. (As I am often confused!)
I believe most find taking the pledge is a positive thing for them, and since most of us are bipolar, etc, perhaps that is where the rub is.

So, again, I apologize if my words upset you. That is never my intent. We are fighting for our lives here, myself included, and I hope you can continue to educate people about your own illness. I think that would be a wonderful thread for you to start.

And this must be the last time I will address this issue. Tea

I will take suicide and get it out of my back pocket for today. I have things to accomplish today and no time to spend thinking about that!

I can do this for the next 24 hours

Hi Folks-

THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL POST. PLEASE READ IT IF YOU HAVE A CHANCE.

It is high time to recognize the folks that have taken the back pocket pledge. Some of you have taken it every day, and some have taken it as many times as they were able. So here-in no particular order-are those we wish to congratulate for their courage, their faith in themselves and their support of others.

Fuzzybear

(JD)

gaylegg

waggie dog

Pierro

Possum220

seekersinking

grey matter

gma45

regretful

rohag

Dandylin

Pikku Myy

Bemore lyse

Bronzeowl

Shadowdove

(We hope you are out of the hospital and we pray for you every day.)

JK2833-an hour at a time is still an hour you felt safe.

Special kudo's must go to Fuzzybear and gaylegg who have been here everyday and have been caring and supportive and brave.

Congratulations to each and every one of you. Thank you for sharing your feelings and thank you for checking in.

Thank you for your many kind words, but know you have helped me as much, or more, than I have helped you.

I hope today is a good day for you. I hope you see that we don't have to spend the rest of our lives in the same place. I hope you can see the vision of your own recovery and that the dark days will pass, as they have passed for me.

Thank you for your courage. Thank you for being kind and caring and supportive, not only to those who stand shoulder to shoulder with you but for the kindness, caring and support you have shown to so many others here on PC.

Thank you to those who came to visit and wanted to make the pledge but found they were not ready. When you are ready-we will be here.

And I proudly anounce that you have been given a promotion. You are no longer the back pocket pledgers. You are now The Pledge Warriors.

And for anyone who is interested in our numbers-we are now at 112 posts and have had 2,484 views.



Peace and Love, Tea

I've been trying to think of a reply all day. Depression is back, and it's hard to think through the black cloud of depression... I wanted to say, though, that I get what you mean. So often I find myself thinking I'm supposed to be in a dark place... and what's the point in fighting it, and perhaps that's why I struggled to make the initial post here.

One thing about recovery, I have found (in attempting recovery both from my eating disorder, my mood disorder, and my anxiety)... that everyone takes to telling you how strong you are. And some days, I feel strong. Other days I, somehow, feel weaker than I felt before I chose recovery. But I did choose recovery, and I try to focus on that. Because that does make me a fighter, and I'm willing to fight it all tooth and nail. So, there might be something to that strength thing... underneath it all.

I've always been told that is one of my strengths, though.. that I always try to weigh things out, think about them rationally. At the same time, it is sometimes my biggest downfall. It all depends on how I decide to use it. Today - even though I almost found myself thinking about sui again - I decided to use it for good. And I kept to my pledge and found something else to think about.

I hurt today, but I'm still fighting. Tooth and nail. One day at a time..

Bronzeowl-

Yeah! One more day that you are safe. We all have those dark days, sweetie, but you are a fighter. And you don't always have to be so stong. Sometimes it's okay to come back all covered with frustration-as long as you keep coming back!

Congratulations. You are a warrior and we are so proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself, as well. No bs-it really does get better.

Peace and Love, Tea.

Today was a day of hard decisions for me. I am no longer able to keep up with the pm's. If you really need to talk, email me. I will be leaving messages for my warriors in my biography section on my profile page and I will be here once a week to congradulate our Pledge Warrior's.

You are now strong enough to help and support each other. I must listen to my heart and do what gives me joy. I have no intention of leaving, but a woman with a clean house has never finished a book. Same thing for a woman who is always on PC!

I am a Pledge Warrior and I commit to kicking the trickster to the curb for at least the next 24 hours. I will find something productive to do with my time and will help others if the opportunity arises.

Stay strong, my warriors. You make all of us so proud!

I will be here next Sunday. The rest of the week I'll be

Be well, stay safe and spread that love around. Tea

Good to hear from you Tea.

I make my pledge for today to remain safe from myself for the next 24 hours.

I'll be safe for the next 24 hours

For my wife, my son...for my mom and my sisters...for my nieces and nephews...I will be safe for the next 24 hours

I like the idea of being a warrior. It is better than being a victim.

I don't know what to think about this. As of right now I want to lose control of myself and commit suicide. Why would I want to say some pledge? I don't want to give up the possibility of getting something I've wanted since I was 15. (even if the desire is/was on and off) Perhaps I can think about trying, trying is so much easier than pledging, and there is less anxiety about not following through. I don't want to pledge to keep myself safe for 24 hours because I don't want that. (and because I know I will be safe in the next 24 hours) So instead of pledging, I will just say that I will try to look for something better to do or think about for the next 24 hours.

Sorry, I guess I'm just not ready to join the club.

Sorry, I guess that was a negative post.

Sorry for squishing the positive flow, I guess I'm just a big bad rain cloud.

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using Tapatalk

Hey Kiddo-

This isn't a club. You don't have to join or sign up or sit in a circle amd sing freaking kumbaya. You are only doing this for yourself and if you feel uncomfortable, don't do anything. If anyone understands, I do. I walked around thinking about it for forty years.

Of course, a lot of life passed me by in the meantime. But it was a comfortable place-one I was used to. Better the hell you already know than the heaven you don't, right? And if my time is so filled with negative thoughts, then I don't have to go out of my way to help someone else, or maybe even myself for a change.

This might be what I'm looking for. I had suicide thought come into my mind and ruined my whole day because I upset my friend. Though it probably didn't upset her as much as me. I just don't want those thoughts to come into my mind. Period! I just don't want it to be automatic because my life has become difficult. I want my life from the past that at the time I thought wasn't good but actually was much better than now. I just want the thought to stop. So I don't really know how the pledge works as this thread was long for me to read all the way through. I figure it is about not doing anything for 24 hours. My thoughts never lead to action, it is just thought that causes me to feel horrible. I just want it to stop.

I make my pledge for the day. It reminds me when the thought comes to mind that I made a promise. I haven't always been good at standing by my promises, much to my regret and I have a lot but I can't turn back the clock. I can only choose to go forward and be safe for my self, family and all of you that support me.

So daily I take this pledge because of my wife and my son, and I take it again today.