Apathy and intrusive thoughts.. (start of a psychosis?)

Hi

I've been struggling a lot lately. Lately I've lost my interest in life. Before my depression just caused me to feel (fairly extreme) sadness and despair, but I still had my moments of joy. I felt happiness when I spent time with my nephew or did something with my friends. Yesterday I was walking with my family and our family friends (we are very close) and the weather was great and I was pretty much in my favorite place in the world. Instead of happiness I just felt sadness and just emptiness. I felt like I just didn't belong in that moment. Of course I made my best effort to fake a smile and appear happy. When I got home i just went into the bathroom and burst into tears for no reason at all..

That general loss of interest is apparent in pretty much every action I do. I have 20 unanswered calls from my friends. I just felt like it was too exhausting to pick up the phone and make an excuse why I could't see them. Night when I'm alone are the worst.. Last night i was standing in the kitchen and all i could think of was ''There is a set of steak knives in the kitchen cabinet. I'm so dumb and ugly i should just end it all..''. I've had a lot of intrusive thoughts.. I don't think I'm really hearing voices though, because i know those voices inside my head aren't real and they are just my thoughts.. But the things they say sometimes seems very true...

I really don't know what to do. My t/pdoc is on holiday till the 25th and my family isn't even remotely helpful when it comes to dealing with depression.

Hi samuli.

Glad that you posted. Yes, I've been there. It's hard to talk to your friends when it's exhausting just trying to pretend. Everything feels pointless, right? Trying to go through it alone makes things even worse. I'm sorry that your T isn't available. Did your T give you an emergency number that you can use to contact them while they're away? Perhaps a referral to another therapist? You need the extra support right now, and you were right to post here. Keep posting.

Hi Samuli , I would second tigerlily's suggestion of checking out any emergency contacts that your therapist left you .
I would just like to just before I say the next bit that I am not medically trained , I did work in mental health as a nursing assistant though and I don't think that you're psychotic because you're recognizing what's happening and taking rational steps to try and manage it so do hold on to that as a positive but I do think you're very depressed at the moment and you need to speak to someone medically trained asap
Lots of hugs, keep posting and I hope you find something helpful

Hi Samuli, please keep posting to us. It sounds like your depression is worsening. If you have harmful thoughts you need to find someone you can talk to or a crisis hotline or something. Keep posting to us. Don't give up and stay safe. There will come a time when things will get better.

Hope you are feeling better today Samuli.

Well I went to see a psychiatrist, since I couldn't get a hold of my own pdoc.. I pretty much told him what i said in my first post and he stood there for like a minute and said I was experiencing an episode of psychotic depression.. After that he wrote the paperwork to get me committed involuntarily. Apparently I'm off to the loony bin in couple of hours. I'm feeling quite angry and scared..

(he was able to do that because I'm living with my parents in my original home country (not USA) right now. Law there allows anyone under 21 to be committed , if their parent and a psychiatrist signs the required paperwork.)

I'll try to write from the hospital if I can. I've never been in a closed psychiatric ward. Should i start a new thread about it or write here?

I know it must have been very difficult to tell this psychiatrist, but I think you did the right thing. I don't have personal experience being in a psych ward, but maybe others will be able to tell you of their experiences. Did the pdoc tell you how long you would be staying? You'll be alright. And I think it would be fine to write of your expeiences here if you want. Feel free to create a new thread if you prefer.