i can't keep finding excuses not to kill mysef

i keep coming back to suicidal thoughts. it feels like it's only a matter of time.

IT, is it time to call your T or go to the hospital?

no i am not in immediate danger. Just feel like i don't want to exist.

It's tough. Since I don't really know u there isn't much I can say. U just need to find some thread of hope for something. Be it a vacation, a child, a partner, a job whatever it maybe just hold that thread of hope for better.

Me personally, I know it's absolutely ludacris, but I hold out for a zombie apocalypse. To me it gives me that thread of hope for adventure as twisted as it sounds. But it works even when at my lowest I think about it and it keeps me here.

Hi Illegal, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. For some people it can be a matter of preserving, keeping on pushing, keeping on trying, doing all they can do, and keeping on hanging in there until they slowly start breaking through but sometimes that's just not enough, hey??
So you need something more/something different?? Something outside of what you're doing now. Because as far as I'm concerned it's absolutely not a fault with you, with you not responding to x, y, z, it's not that you just aren't "up to it"/don't have the strength to.........it's as much that you haven't had the right help for you yet.
So something different............can you let a T in on any (more of?) what's going on for you, so they can offer you some of the support you need?? Or if you have a T and they're really not helping could you look into other one's that could be out there??? Maybe push your pdoc a little more regarding medication or if there are any out patient programs you could try??? Any different helplines that might be useful???
Something to think about??? And maybe a way further forward???
But while we've got you here do you want to do a bit more talking for now???
Is there anything gone on that's triggering these feelings or things that are worsening or not helping them??
Or if you just want to "share the load" a little and let some of it out??
Whatever you want to talk about.......We're/I'm here for you, we/I care.

Alison

I have told T. There are a few thoughts including feeling genetically inferior, feeing anxious about my health, loneliness, hopelessness, regret, and so on.
I am not in danger at the moment but suicide is pretty common. i want to feel like i can do it without making a big fuss of things. i live in a rehab facility and there are Ts here as well but i don't feel like i can talk to them because i feel like i would be a nuisance.

Illegal!!! They're there to help, and you clearly very much deserve that help. And that's the good thing about having that sort of access to T's it's not a big fuss, it's not a nuisance!!
Although I'd be telling anyone, in whatever position, if they felt like that, either it should not be seen as a fuss at all or it doesn't matter how big a fuss it is, even if it's monumental, they need help.........then they should have it/they deserve it/they've earned it 100 times over just by what they're going through.
So take your pick............which of those is going to get you talking!!
And you know it's as much the depression that's telling you that you don't deserve the attention, you don't deserve the help/support, to be "bothering" anyone.............and all those things, right??
But none of those things are true, you and the way you're feeling do matter!!!

Alison

You need to tell your T exactly how you feel 100%. Don't hold anything back either. The only way you are going to get better, is to get the proper treatment you need. Your important and your not a nuisance either. This is your T's job to help you. How can he help you if you can't be honest with your real issues? If you can't open up to him, find someone else. It's also possible you don't feel comfortable with him.

I do not know if this is useful for you but to me thinking of reasons instead of excuses works sometimes. I am sending you a hug

I've nothing to stop the thoughts, but I selfishly hope you don't act on them, IT.

You are feeling that you don't deserve help---don't deserve anything---please do talk about that with the people around you who are there to help, and who want to help, I know you have a sense of humor, from other posts, so don't forget to use that to your advantage----we are all here, and we all have some thing to offer, and we all deserve to help and be helped----(sure, there are times I don't feel like I deserve anything, that I am a total failure...but black and white thinking is not rational, or useful...it is a trap we set for ourselves----there are many answers to most questions...) Take care of yourself, you mean something to me.