Don't feel like getting better

Right now I am at a weird place with my depression. I am not depressed all the time but when I am I don't care about anything even getting better. My T has been trying to get me to change my thought patterns but when I am feeling good there aren't any thoughts to change. When I am feeling bad I don't feel like changing and really don't even feel like living. I am my own worst enemy.

Have thought about quitting therapy anyways since my T is leaving. The T I am supposed to switch to will be on maternity leave soon. I am supposed to see her once before she leaves and then weekly when she gets back. I feel sorry for any T that gets stuck working with me. I am not worth their time or aggravation.

I just feel so overwhelmed at times and want to make everything just stop. All I can think about are the things I have to do and how useless I am not to be doing them.

Firstly, of course you are worth their time! And after all, it is their job to listen to you and support you - you just have to open up to them and make the most of whatever support you can get.

Secondly, you are not useless! As you said, you are feeling overwhelmed. I understand as well as anyone here how difficult it is to cope with all the terrible thoughts and emotions than come along with depression - you are not useless, in fact, you are doing extremely well to have been reaching out for support! You should be proud of how far you have came, even if it doesn't seem like much every little step counts. Reaching out for help I think, is often the biggest step.

When you say you want to make everything just stop, do you mean by this that you are feeling suicidal? If so, it is extremely important to keep seeing your T and reaching out to your support system, and keep talking to us on here.

I just feel like I frustrate every T I see.
I feel suicidal everyday but I am too chicken to actually ever do anything. So I know I am safe. Even though I had starting cutting for a little while but haven't done it in a couple weeks. I still get the urge to.

My T says I am an overachiever and need to recalibrate my expectations.

She doesn't think it is a good idea for me to stop therapy if I don't have at least a plan to talk to somebody.

Hi Crook32,
Been right were you are and it is really hard to even put one step in front of the other but it is very important to stick with a therapist the more you isolate yourself from people especially a professional I believe can become very dangerous for you. Please know that we care and keep talking here. Try to ride the wave the feeling will pass not saying it won't come back but one step at a time no matter how small they are.

Thats a great approach Snuggles22, small baby steps in handling emotions makes a whole lot of difference

Hi Crook32, Dont give up. Managing emotions can be a difficult task but I am sure, with small baby steps, you can soon be in charge of the emotions..all the best..we all are here to support you..

I feel somewhat similarly, actually am seeing a different therapist since my therapist had to take same sort of leave...and it seemed like maybe a better idea not to go months without therapy even though I haven't really seemed to have benefited much from it. But still switching therapists isn't always something I am up for.

Is there any way you could see a therapist that is not going on leave soon? If you're still struggling it probably would be best not to quit therapy, though if the approach being used isn't helping maybe you need a different sort of therapy than you are getting...but I know the feeling of showing up, not really seeing much benefit and wondering why to continue when having to switch therapists, or see someone else while yours goes on leave and what not.

I also get suicidal thoughts, though unfortunately have attempted...so not exactly too chicken to do anything, which in this case is not a good thing but when those thoughts get out of hand there's always the psych ward...safer than risking attempting by being left to myself at least supposed to be but I worry about unpleasant experiences with that.

Also perhaps looking into ideas outside of therapy might help, like more holistic sort of approaches to mental health that might help, or if you're not already sometimes medications can help....though not always, and some cause problems of their own depending on the person but sometimes just talk therapy alone isn't all that effective.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I do take meds and I am really hoping to not switch them again. I have been trying to find the right ones for 18 months now.

Baby steps are hard for me I always tend to look at everything at once. I know now I will have to work on it. It is just so hard and I don't feel like doing it.

I find out tomorrow when I will be meeting this new T. If it seems like we can work together I will start seeing her in November and stay with the current T until then. That is if I decide to stick with therapy. I might just start going every other week to see how that feels.

Hello, Crook32. You must feel something or you would not engage in this masquerade.

I wish you well.

I feel like it will never get better and I just need to live with it.

My pdoc has told me I need to learn to live within the bounds of my limitations. I don't want to be limited. I hate it. The reality is though that I have had depression my whole life and it had been very limiting and robbed me of much. Doesn't mean I have lost hope or don't keep trying to treat it. I have had many very good periods in my life but depression always returns. Learning how to live with it is difficult but I have been forced to and I have. The shame of not being able to do things can be enormous and can really fuel the suicidal thoughts. Accepting that this is the way I am and giving myself permission to be this way is hugely beneficial. Screw shame. I would never give up therapy, meds, meditation, journaling, support network, etc etc, even though they will probably never cure my depression. They are so beneficial in so many ways. I get satisfaction from personal and spiritual growth. It's an inside job that takes a lot of help from others figuring out how to live and what is important. Accepting yourself as you are and honoring yourself are very powerful.

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