[flours]

i'm so annoyed and exhausted right now even typing annoys me.

during the last two weeks I gave myself a break from life. I did as little as possible and preferably things that are pleasant. and it worked. I had more and more good moments. started to feel a bit lighter.

now I'm visiting my parents. staying a couple of days. my aunt is also here who I see rarely and that means I have to put on my friendly face. and this is really tiring.
my parents consider this visit some sort of wellness holiday because I don't need to take care of anything. usually it would be like that but it isn't. I love my aunt but her being here is troubling me. she doesn't know about my depression and is not supposed to know. that makes everything difficult.
also there is some sort of celebration going on here for several days. everyone knows each other I am supposed to show up.
yesterday was the first day of that and it was horrible and extremely triggering. there were lot's of people which (as I sure mentioned in every single previous post) makes me panic. and they knew who I am so I had to be friendly and chat. moreover my mother started whispering to me information about current events about people that I should memorize and act according. like who I should say hello to and what they were doing since we met last so I could talk about that to those persons.
people of course asked me what I was doing after my graduation and which job I have and if I wasn't worried about the future and why I had no husband etc.
and I had to put on a smile and answer patiently and friendly (pretending I was glad to be asked). "I don't know. no. nothing. I have no idea…"
as a little surprise my mother chose that I should drive because she wanted to drink wine. have been avoiding driving for several months because I am very dizzy and sleepy all the time and basically not fit to do that. so it was not exactly safe. but I did.

I guess I laughed at something yesterday which made my parents believe I was just fine again. so they expect me to take part in those kind of activities. but actually my condition has become a lot worse since I've come here. I must find a way to stop that. I don't want to go back downhill.
it's a very difficult situation for me. because my family gets offended if I isolate myself.
also I noticed they get offended a lot when I am not well for no reason. they think being around family should be enough to be fine. i tried to explain earlier but it's useless. so I just try to avoid any kind of confrontation.

they are helping at the celebration. everything is busy here and loud and triggering. my mothers voice is loud and excited and she is discussing all the time how to do everything at the celebration. it's so overcharging but they don't understand why. I will have to go there again. today, tomorrow, each day until I leave. I don't want to be looking forward to leaving because I love my family. and the guilt I don't spend all that pleasurable time with them is killing me.
there are also so many memories here, things that remind me of my happy childhood and whatever and I always want to start crying because of that.

what can I do? I feel like getting worse and worse. and they think I should be getting better and better because of such a loving environment. I tried to explain that I need more calm but they think calm is if I am not working myself which is true all the time.

I cannot leave early. that would be so insulting and I don't want to cause that kind of trouble either because a fight will not exactly help me.

It's like I was in Disneyland and I would just cry at the mere sight of Mickey Mouse.

[Idiot17]

((((Flours)))). Sorry but no advice from me.

[Altered Moment]

I know it is very difficult when other peoples expectations are that you should be doing better all the time. I even perceive that my pdoc will expect me to be doing better when I see him so I minimize things. I solved that by keeping a mood log everyday.

Other peoples lack of understanding and expectations can be very difficult to deal with, especially family. Are your parents willing to become more educated on the subject???

I was in CA for twenty years and my family is all in Michigan. They knew I had depression but had never seen it or dealt with it. Then I came home and they seen it first hand. It was very difficult for them. Luckily my Mom has been a social worker her whole life and has a good understanding of it. They had no idea what to do though. My Mom went in to talk to my pdoc to get advice on how to handle it with me. Like should they push me or leave me alone. He told them to leave me alone basically but to make sure I was going to appointments and still seeking help. I am very fortunate that way. My brothers and sister tend to avoid the topic. Not my sister so much because she also has it but not as bad and her meds have worked for years.

[NowhereUSA]

is there a reason your aunt can't know?

the hardest thing i've had to learn to do with my depression is advocate for myself which is *exhausting* but once you have people trained it makes life so much easier. i'm firm with people who think i should just 'snap' out of it ('this is a medical condition and i'm under the care of professionals. i cannot simply snap out of it.'). if someone offers a suggestion i might simply put it off with, 'thank you, i'll think on that' because honestly i have heard every single suggestion under the sun. exercise? oh you're the first person in the WHOLE WORLD to suggest that to me /sarcasm.

my default if i don't want to get into it is to say i'm 'tired'. "Let's go party!" "No thanks, I'm feeling tired. I'm going to go lay down."

In other words, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and let everyone else figure out how to handle it. it's not easy but eventually people will leave you alone.

[Altered Moment]

I have had many many arguments with family (in laws) and friends over the nature of depression. I do see it as self advocating and reducing stigma. Kind of on a mission sometimes. It does get very old and tiring though. Stop trying to fix me GD it!!!!!

[Clara22]

Wow, this is a difficult call. But if you have been being better by reducing the level of stress, you should not go to your parents'. If you are already there, do not go to the party. If your parents do not understand depression, tell them you have another illness, a great headache, terrible back pain. This is what I would do now. When I was your age I put up with everything and everybody, I even harmed my body to belong. Now, I do not do it unless somebody really needs me.
Sometimes forcing ourselves to participate in events works, sometimes it does not. From what you said, it seems that keeping the harmony you have achieved recently is important. Yeah, I know I am advising you not to tell the truth. The main issue is that you are dealing with a health condition usually people do not understand and they make you feel miserable about.
Anyway, I wish you the best for this weekend

[flours]

sorry if this is confused. I am confused. don'T manage to reread this to check if it makes sense.

I'm all the way back. I just want to curl up in a dark corner and hide there forever!

this evening was a collection of things that are triggering. tons of old people coming way too close and spitting at my face while talking, asking me about my life so to make me sum up again and again all of my major failures. people shouting into my ear, crowds of people around me. a life band playing music that was chosen to be triggering. (they chose the best songs to get you depressed, I should start a thread about that!) people panicking over some minor issues with the arrangement of the evening and involving me in that.

and everybody touched me! if I were an animal I had bitten of their hands. even when I was standing in the remotest corner somebody came and stood right next to me. was quite a challenge but I managed not to cry.

didn't have anything to eat yet. I'm freaking starving but I don't feel like getting into the kitchen and make something.

my parents are just focused on my aunt and the celebration. everything has to be representative including me. wow, my mother got so nervous when we left the house 1 minute late.
I had to drive again. for any normal person there would be nothing wrong about all of this. I actually do get why someone wouldn't understand that I have a problem.
each time I want to say something my aunt suddenly starts talking. and I stop.

… this sounds horrible… I am a horrible person to complain. I have the most understanding and loving family you could ever imagine…. and still I feel like this!

I can rarely be alone. even if I go somewhere to be alone someone shows up a minute later and want's to know all about my life. that's meant to be nice but it's torturing me.
I feel like hiding all the time. I am actually hiding in the bathroom a lot.

I don't think any non-visible thing will do as an excuse. although I know this is a very unreasonable idea I am suffering a lot from the asymmetry of my physical and mental condition.
sometimes I dream about being injured badly by any sort of accident to make it right. I know this would make nothing better but only worse. I don't really want that. it's just an image I have on my mind a lot and there is some kind of weird desire linked to it.

I think my family expects that whole depression thing to be over soon. who knows, maybe it is. but possibly not in the way they would like.
they are avoiding to speak about it. even if I try to explain what I'm experiencing. they sure want to help me. but they have no clue how. even if I tell them. they just don't get it.

[Clara22]

I am so sorry Flours! Hope you can tell you have a sudden and strong headache and take a taxi back home, or whatever place you can enjoy some snack by yourself. If you are going much to the bathroom, maybe they will buy in (can you tell you have stomach flu/)
Sorry I am not being good here, I just want you to have some solace, I have been there.
And you are not a bad person! you are not choosing to have this condition right now

[Idiot17]

A lot you mentioned about your family concerns I can relate to. Hope you 'manage'.

[healingme4me]

Sorry you're struggling. Putting on a game face, being thrust into being the designated driver. Sometimes going home, is just about needing some quiet reflection time.
I'd feel a bit resentful, in such a scenario.
How much longer, until you leave there?

[fluffbuster]

i'm sorry flours this is happening to you. i'm not a depressive (or at least not clinically) - so i may lack understanding of all your difficulties. if i say something inappropriate or stupid, please let me know.
the only adage i can offer is 'be true to yourself'. - you sound like you are still trying w/ all your might to live up to all those other people's expectations and that is making the whole situation worse. your mother giving you current events to have conversations you'd rather not, making you the designated driver, people basically hounding you for info, etc. and you feel bad for even thinking of leaving early - and you're even thinking of getting somehow disfigured so your outside body agrees w/ your inner mental turmoil.
but to keep on 'putting on a front' will only make the other people's expectations continue to exist. but you love all these people right? the problem sounds more like you can't stand the noise or personal bodily involvement or all the action that's going on. if you could be alone w/ each person that has bothered you - in a quiet place just to share a moment - would that bother you too?
if both your parents and your aunt and all their friends are extraverts and you're the only introvert - to me that sounds like torture. but somehow you have to take care of yourself and somehow tell all those people that all the celebrating is very taxing on you and you're having difficulty w/ the whole activity.
you can either continue to put up a front till it robs you of yourself - or tell people gradually one by one, that all this excitement and celebrating is hurting and panicking you. you may be surprised to find out that some other people there are doing the exact same thing as you.

[Clara22]

Hi Fluffbuster,
Flours will answer, but your advice is not working for me lastly. Before it worked but it is not working because I am weak now. You have to have incredible strength and stamina to be truly yourself when you are substantially different. People want to fix you and push you in a way that you feel immerse in misery. Believe me.

[fluffbuster]

Clara & flours - all of my life i have been alone. my brother is 6-1/2yrs older than me and tho a great influence, he was past most of my problems when i had them. my mom had, i would guess, BPD - my dad was a very introverted man who dealt w/ my mom's outbursts w/ silence. we lived on the edge of a protestant town and my mom, you guessed, was catholic. everyone went to the public HS - i didn't.
i was never pretty, nor athletic, so-so in school, have linguistic problems, am shy and introverted. i'm 60 now, never married, live alone w/ a 20yo cat (which died last wk BTW). - - - BUT - i'm my own person.
you all are still worried, bothered and troubled by 'people' - when 'people' are tiny little nothings in the vastness of the world and the universe.
so - jimmy boy or heidi girl don't like you or music is loud or there are a lot of fruit flys - so what! you all sound like you still believe your feelings/emotions/what you think/believe matter. you're ego-centric. (it's not a fault, just an observation).
i did only one fantastic thing in my life - i drove cross-country and flew to Australia alone for 3 months. you get a perspective you can't get by staying inside thinking about things. it took me over a yr to plan - and i was robbed of my passport in mid-trip. you have to do things to overcome the aloneness, the depression, the anxiety, the futility of life. & if you still wind up alone - at least you are true to yourself. the earth is just a freakin' tiny little speck and humans are but speck on a speck. to keep thinking of me, my feelings, my wants - what!? - who cares - really? - except you, yourself? - - - you MUST with all of your strength from all of your weakness - STEP OUTSIDE YOURSELF - it is the only way to overcome.
repair the ego damage from whatever source. depression

[Clara22]

Hi Fluffbyster,
Thank you for your willingness to help. Depression is a health condition. In this site you can find a lot information about it. Then you may see why some of us cannot take advantage of your advice right now

[flours]

Clara,
you found so kind words to respond to fluffbuster's second post. thank you for that. I don't think I can say anything better than that.
I actually read it last night before I wanted to go to sleep and it kept me awake for three more hours. I wrote a reply but chose not to post it. I thought that was a good idea when I saw what you have written.

but I want to say thank you for all of the other helpful things everybody wrote. it is really comforting.
I think the idea was genius to say I have the stomach flu. however I cannot lie very well.

Originally Posted by fluffbuster

if you could be alone w/ each person that has bothered you - in a quiet place just to share a moment - would that bother you too?

yeah, I would like that a lot better and even enjoy.

fluffbuster,
your advice in your first post was actually helpful even if my problem is not a general social problem with my family. I still enjoyed reading it.

I talked to my mother alone and said that it was too much for me. and I gave her some information about depression.
she said she doesn't know what is good for me but I can tell them and it's okay if I don't want to be with people all the time. and we agreed that I can do some things in the house like cleaning while everybody is gone, which I offered because I can do that alone and it's not bothering me. so I have an official job which everybody respects and I don't need to do things that are overtaxing.

what seems most difficult for me is the contradiction of my own wish to be with my family and doing what is good for me. I have been so lonely all the time before and wishing for some loving people around. so I felt horrible to spoil it. but I think the arrangement we found is okay. it's not all that calm as it is in my own house but instead I have my family. I will try to enjoy the coming days until I leave.
we'll see if it works.

[Clara22]

Thank you for sharing this, Flours, you are giving me good tips to manage my issues with my family and friends

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Thank you for sharing this, Flours, you are giving me good tips to manage my issues with my family and friends

I absolutely agree!

If I don't feel up to seeing my family or friends, I usually tell them that I have a migraine. I do get migraines, but not as often as I tell them. I understand also about feeling guilty about not telling them the truth. I view it as self preservation. Like you, I need time to myself and I like my privacy. If I decide to share any personal information, such as who I'm dating, etc. that is on my time table, not theirs. My family is full of extraverts and I am one of the few introverts. Most people do not understand me but I am trying not to let that bother me. I like who I am, for the most part.

Glad that you were able to talk to your mother about depression. Maybe she will educate herself on it.

[flours]

was still quite a rush here. people were busy all the time. but our arrangement works so far. I'm glad I had the courage to address it. now I'm alone while everyone is in church. feeling slightly unsocial but I'm doing okay.

there are these moments when I feel I'm getting unreasonably anxious suddenly. like a tiny panic attack. or the same with being incredibly sad. I'm getting back on track mostly after a few minutes. except at night. otherwise flat most of the time. it's like I am selectively breaking through the flatness and that can both be pleasant and horrifying. luckily my family is funny so there are many chances to laugh if I want to.

for some weird reason this has always been working. even in the deepest depression. It's like laughing has nothing to do with my mood at all and it is just a reaction of the body. (unfortunately where I live people are not funny at all and there is no chance for laughing usually.) if something is funny I have to laugh in a physical sense and when it's over I'm as depressed/ flat as before. should check if there is some research on that… I vaguely know the Freud theory about humor but no recent/ contemporary knowledge or how it is related to depression.
that'd be sort of interesting. (it's good if I get interested in things, right? -even if it is just for 5minutes and I'm getting tired again)

especially considering how stress turned out to affect my condition I get the idea my depression may profoundly be linked to preexistent anxiety issues. OR it's just being overly sensitive -I don't know. maybe both.

[flours]

very thin-skinned. just had lunch together. I helped cooking. everybody was getting in my way all the time and pushing me aside. I wanted to run away and sort of made a scene and family was wondering at my behavior. It makes me so nervous if somebody is doing something standing behind me especially when hastily or loudly. I think my sensitivity is getting out of hand…
all the normal stuff makes me freak out. I talked to my therapist about that before but she didn't find that odd because I said I was usually not avoiding situations to an extent I can't live normally. but things got so out of proportion lately. I'm still not avoiding that much but it is bothering me to an extent that I think is entirely abnormal.

anybody any experiences with that?

[Altered Moment]

Yes it is good to get interested in such things.....anything. As a distraction at the least. My interest keep me going even if they don't help me in any outward way. Plus knowledge is power.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[flours]

horrible fight because I must have put on wrong face at wrong time. didn't say anything wrong though. people just assuming I wanted to and demand excuse for that. said I will not excuse for the shape of my face and that its giving people ideas about what i may or may not want to say. no understanding, just aggression. locked up in bathroom crying. everybody hates me.

[Clara22]

Hope you feel better soon!

[flours]

when I got out of the bathroom nobody hated me and everything was just fine. I spend three entire hours crying there and nobody had actually noticed that I was upset. didn't tell anyone. life is weird. I don't get it.
and I get people even less.
now back home and had pretty much a good time with my family since that last post. miss them already.