Not sure what to do

Hi Everyone,

Sorry, this will be long.

I am new to this web site, but I am not new to depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression back in 1994. I was on Prozac until after 6 years it stopped working, so they put me on Wellbutrin, now they changed it Wellbutrin XL.

I still have many issues and some days seem like there is no hope. Believe me when I say that I could not end it. There are too many people that would be crushed. Which is always an ongoing debate in my head. But, the reason I am here today is because I have somewhat of a problem, and I am not sure if this falls under my depression or marriage counseling so I would love to hear from you and get your opinion.

I have been married for 14 years. I LOVE my husband and deep down I know he loves me, He has always had a job where he goes out of town for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, which I could handle. But, for the past 2 years he has been on and off the road running lights for a couple of different bands. (He does call me everyday, whether it is just to say I love you or how the day is going.) I get very lonely and even more depressed as the months go by. I rarely tell him how I feel. In thinking that if I complain too much he wouldn't want to call me or even come home, so I keep a lot of it to myself. He is about to go on the road again and be gone for 6 months. Mind you I can fly out to see him basically whenever I want. He often askes me If I am ok or if I am mad that he is leaving. and again most of the time I tell him that I would rather not talk about, mostly because all I would do is cry. Just cry. I don't want him to quite his job because he is so happy. He truly loves doing what he does. And it makes me smile to see him so happy. But, it just nags at me all the time, thinking that he is neglected me. When he is home we do things and are together, physically and what not. We have many things in common and we have many things that we disagree on. which make for good conversation.

I am sorry for the long post. and if any one can give me some kind of opinion on what to do. Thereapy for myself, marriage counseling or just a support group.

HELP!!
Thank you for any advice.

narriel I think it is a very good thing that you are not distrusting of your husband, that he calls to tell you he loves you when he is away, and that fear or insecurity does not seem to be an issue with this. I think that would be a much more complicated problem to deal with. It is also admirable that you understand and appreciate the joy he gets from this and do not want to deprive him of it.

But your happiness counts for something too. Since it is making you so sad I don't think it would be wrong to tell him about it. It doesn't have to be complaining or whining, just an honest expression of your feelings. If that seems impossible maybe therapy can help you with that communication. This is not even to say that you should tell him and that therefore he should stop leaving. I would think that having him give it up completely would not be a good solution either for him or for you. However it is a problem, and it is a problem that you should address together, especially since you seem to be so considerate and caring of one another.

Therapy might help give you skills to help cope better when he is away. Mabye there are other things you could develop to occupy your time so you didn't feel so lonely when he is gone. Maybe arrange a better schedule of times to meet with him when he is on the road so that you don't have to go for such long stretches at a time. Maybe even times when he could come home for a day or two if he can work it into his schedule.

It doesn't sound to me like your marriage is in trouble at all. But there is a problem, and although it may seem to be your problem, it really is a problem for both of you that you should try to solve together. I hope a therapist can help and maybe even attend some sessions together if that will help you express the problem might be an option.

good luck.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Thank you dexter.

I try to keep my imagination of other women out of my head. I figure he can still cheat on me when he is home maybe not as easily but it could happen. Believe me there are still groupies that hang backstage for even bands as old as ZZ Top. Young, beautiful women. I have witnessed them. He does understand that I do have jealousy issues so he reasures me quit a bit.

The only time he could come home during a tour would be if they had a break that was a week or so.

I agree, that I should express my feelings to him, but when I try all I do is cry. Which frustrates me and him.

I think therapy is the only way for now. I do have self esteem issues and feel very insecure of myself. I am a week away from turning 35 and feel that I haven't done or gone anywhere with my life.

I really thank all of you guys for replying to me. It is all good advice that I will take. I just needed that .....opinion?......support?....push?

I am not sure which one fits.

>>I do have self esteem issues and feel very insecure of myself.

It is good to be able to acknowledge that. I didn't want to bring that up for fear of being way off base, but if it is the case I think then that is the real issue to work on. And I do think therapy may be able to help with that very much. If you could feel better about yourself then it would likely not be so bad when he is away and you would be in a better position to talk to him about it. Even with the best attitude, 6 months at a time is a long time to be separated, not that he should automatically give it up but it is worth discussing, even if you both decide to keep things the way they are at least you will have discussed it and you won't feel so bad with the added stress of keeping it all in.

It is also good that you trust your husband and I am sure that contributes to the strength of your marriage even when he is away. Even acknoledgeing fears about the women around him you do not seem to be suspicious or distrustful. It may be normal to think about things like that, you just don't want to have those thoughts contribute fear or insecurity when you actually do believe that those fears are not warranted. Hopefully that is another thing that therapy can help you with.

I hope this works out for you. I think addressing the insecurity issue will make you feel much better in all aspects of your life, not just with regard to your husband or his trips. Good luck and keep posting here for support!

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>