I feel like I've lost...

Okay, I don't even know where to start. I feel so alone. I have friends but they haven't made any attempt to try and get to me. I haven't gone to school this whole week. Last week I went for 3 hours on Wednesday and left. I feel like there's %#@&#!. I always feel like %#@&#!. Everyday I wake up and I feel like there's no reason to get up. My friends don't e-mail me, call me, nothing at all to try and reach out to me. What's the point of having friends if they don't care. I feel like no one but me understands just how serious my depression is. I know it's bad. Suicidal thoughts are always crossing my mind every second. I look for ways to hurt myself sometimes. I don't even feel like I'm alive sometimes. I can't even cry anymore...I want to cry so badly, but nothing comes out. My friends see that I don't eat a lot. And I don't. I don't care about eating. My guidance councelor found out and we started talking. This was in December or so of last year. I went to her a lot. During that time, my dad was in my life for the 5th time, just causing hell for us. He's an alcoholic. My mom kicked him out a couple of weeks ago after he tried to kill me and her. I have two younger sisters (14 and 7) and a 19 yr old brother. Back to my guidance counselor, I would go to her a lot because of the physical and emotional pain he was causing everyone in the family (this was before he left). She said that she was going to call ACS, and I begged her not to. I told her I would get rid of him that weekend and she said that by Monday if he wasn't out, she was going to call. So I lied and said that he was gone. I couldn't bear what would happen to my family if we would've had to split up to foster families. So I had no one to talk to. Plus, the fact that she told my mom who ended up telling my whole family that I don't eat and that I might be bulemic. I'm not, but sometimes I just want to be just to shut them up. It's like how everyone tells you something so much that you just start to believe it...that's how I feel. So, Finally over a month later my mom kicked him out. So, it's kind of a relief that he's gone, but I just hate that I don't have a father. I've never had a real father to be there for me, to do those special father to son things. I grew up moving a lot. over 15 times so far. We get evicted because of my dad and would move back to my grandma's house over and over. I never had true friends until high school. Now I'm supposed to be graduating to college this June and I'm nowhere near that. I screwed up in school too much. I just can't go back. I don't feel a need to go back, I don't feel a need to live. I feel like there's nothing to live for. People in school and in my family push away my depression like it's nothing. I tell my mom to make appointments cause I need medication, a therapist, something to get rid of it. I can't do this alone. I need my friends to help me. But now that they've stopped reaching out, I can't move on. My best friend tells me that I have to be independent and learn to be strong on my own, and I can't I need her help. I think I'm done ranting for now. I'm sorry for blurting out everything and you're probably lost, but I hope I can explain myself more to people who care.

i'm so sorry that you are hurting so much......believe me....you are not alone......i understand your pain.......its hard for folks who haven't had depression to understand it and that is probably why your friends are acting as they are.......you need to get professional help......please try to talk to your mom and have her get you an appointment with a doctor...maybe first see your medical doctor and go from there......you need to get back to school.....talk to your guidance counselor.....tell her what you are going through....maybe she can talk to your teachers and get you some help.......but don't give up! you've made a good start by reaching out to us here...we care.......

I can't talk to my guidance counselor about everything. If I tell her something that's causing harm to myself (ex: not eating) she'll just tell my mom and my guidance counselor will turn this into more trouble for me and it's gonna make me more depressed. I don't know where to go or who to talk to. I'm hoping someone here can. I've been home for days and days, doing nothing...just thinking about suicide and ways to hurt myself. Today I cut myself on my thigh. If I cut myself anywhere visible, it'll just draw attention to me just like last time when I cut my arm.

sometimes i feel like i'm not alive either and if i was gone no one would notice, but i don't think u should cut yourself u just need to find someone you can talk to and i bet you'll feel better.

How about getting a couselor outside of the school system
to talk to. There are two numbers you can call to talk to someone that i have heard about 1-800 273-TALK and 1-800-DONT-CUT. You have been through a lot, it would be good for you to be able to talk to someone who has your interest at heart. Be good to yourself....Joe

i am so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. please call those phone numbers that Joe gave you and keep talking to us here. believe me,

we've all had times when we were hanging on by a tiny thread and somehow we got through it.....and there's a lot of help here.......xoxoxo pat