Bipolar Depression-Calling in Sick

Hi everyone,

It's been a long time since I've been on the forum. I've realized lately, not having very friends or family that understands my bipolar illness and moving to a new plac,e that I need the support that only people that know my journey can understand. I won't try to do it alone again. Here's my issue: After just starting a new job, I was doing great, with just one call in caused by a physical illness. But last week the one year anniversary of my brother's death came and out of the blue I was broad sided by bipolar depression. I've called in work for 3 days now and I'm feeling guilt, fear and shame. I work on a job that requires a lot of focus and can be stressful. Part of me feels like I'm being lazy, like "it's not that bad," "what are they thinking?" "I'm going to blow this job." I'm getting outside in nature, swimming, I called my psych, who doesn't believe in piling on more meds but instead gave me support and holistic ideas. I'll see him in a few days. I know from experience that it'll get better, but right now I'm crying, isolating, beating myself and feeling like a loser. Like I don't deserve this wonderful job because I'm a failure. Can anyone relate? Am I doing the right thing? Should I "push myself" and just show up? I don't allow low moods to stop be from going to work but I really feel depressed this time.

Hi dorsey, first of all I'm sorry for your loss, I can understand that was/is very hard for you
But please don't "beat yourself up" over not being able to work, and the way you're feeling. You are probably still grieving the loss of your brother, and while you may have been doing OK, grief can be unpredictable and come in waves. And especially at key moments/times such as anniversaries. So it's not surprising that it could have also triggered a depressive cycle.
So maybe try whatever you can of what usually helps (even if only a little) when you're hitting/you've hit depression?? including getting outside in nature and swimming if that helps just a little. And take things at your own pace. If you're going to push yourself, you probably don't want to push too hard, hey??
You're not lazy, it is as it is, and try not to be too tough on yourself.
You might want to check out the forum on Grief and Loss on here too, or ask your psych if they can give you/refer you for some extra help with this.
And btw, how can you be a failure??!!! You've just got a new job, a job with responsibility, a "wonderful" job!!!! You're not a failure, you're "just" going through a real hard time right now
And if you want to talk some more..........
Alison

When you called work, were you upfront about the bipolar depression or did you say your illness was something else? If you were upfront, can you get your doc to write a note explaining how bipolar depression affects your functioning?

In the UK this is the approach that is taken, instead of sicknotes we have fitnotes. It is all smoke and mirrors really, but it has been useful for me to have my employers understand why I'm not at work and the approaches I need to incorporate to assist my recovery. I've been off work for nearly six months and I'm trying to spend time outside, walking and doing relaxing stuff. But yes it does sometimes feel that it is a sabbatical not time off for illness and I feel somewhat guilty about that.

When you see your pdoc, try to make a plan to get back to work, as ultimately, it will help you feel better about yourself and working is the kind of self help that it sounds like your doc advocates. Is it possible to go in for a few hours and build up from there or is it a case of all or nothing? If your employers know about your mental health then can you talk to them about the best way to manage your workload? I find it easier to have tasks one by one rather than a big pile of stuff that gets confused and never seems to end.

Sorry to hear of your loss and hope that things improve soon.

I have days where I wake up out of the blue and just can't. I've actually called out more due to random bouts of depression this year than I have to physical illness.

My last depressive episode was worse than it's been in years. There is a point where, when it gets really bad, it's actually safer and better for me to be at work and occupied, pushing as hard as I can, like Sisyphus, than it is for me to be at home. Because at home I'll sink. I'll get even worse. So during my last episode, I worked. I told my boss how I was feeling though, so that she knew I was sick. Can you talk to your boss about this sort of stuff?

Your depression isn't out of the blue. You're mourning and it's completely understandable. But it's snowballing and you said it -- you're isolating. That's one of the worst things. We all do it when we're depressed, and it makes the depression heavier (I say this now, but we all know what I'm gonna do the next time I get depressed). And the thing is, the longer you stay out, the guiltier and more ashamed and anxious you're gonna feel, and then the more depressed you'll get . . . and pretty soon you'll have a snowman and it's only September. There's one way to put a stop to that. Limit yourself.

One of the tactics I use is by trying to be an observer of my feelings. I try to separate myself from them when I can. You know when you're depressed and you suddenly get distracted from your ruminating and those feelings are still there, but kind of in the background? It's like that. To be honest, I do not think I would be able to do that at all if I weren't on meds.

You're not a failure. You're sick. But you can't let this illness beat you. You have to fight and you have to win.

Yes, just show up, or you'll just regret it, and your guilt may consume you. If your bipolar depression is like mine, occasionally you might need a med change....btw only use the SNRIs, they rarely poop out and I love Cymbalta! Best of luck!