[povman]

Hi everyone, sorry for what will probably me a rather long post. I've found that periodically venting everything can be a cathartic exercise. I've posted here before a long time back and received some very nice replies, not sure anyone will remember me.

At any rate where do I start? I'm a 32 year old guy with a life long history of depression, anxiety, and avoidant behaviour. My parents have enabled me like you would not believe, I live the life of a 12 year old in the body of someone almost 3 times that age. Having said that I am not entirely JUST a spoiled manchild though I tend to think that of myself. As I noted above I've been dealing with depression, social anxiety and other issues for most of my life, at least since the age of 5 or 6. It's not an exaggeration to say that it has ruined my life. I was a socially awkward child who was shy and sensitive to the point of being a raw nerve. Bullies can smell weakness of course, it emanates from those like us like a perfume. I was bullied and ostracised through most of elementary and high school and learned to keep others at an emotional arms length to prevent getting hurt. As a result to this day I've had few if any real friends, never dated and remain a virgin. It's a sad and lonely life, all the more so because internally I desperately yearn for friendship and companionship. Though I'm a thoughtful guy and far from a partier I'm actually something of a repressed extrovert, desperate for attention, validation and friendship. After graduating high-school I tried my best at university but my emotional issues came to a head and dashed those hopes, believe it or not I've dropped out of school 5 or 6 times over the past decade. In between I had a 4 year, actually rather happy period, working as an assistant manager at a 7-11 as well as a few other retail jobs. I've also had quite a few emotional blow outs, I suppose you could call them mini nervous break downs, every time I would drop out of school or quit a job. Most of these would lead to months of binge drinking and eating and other self destructive, almost semi suicidal behaviour. Luckily I have so far always managed to pick the pieces up after some months and give it another shot, though I'm beginning to wonder why I try.

There was a time believe it or not when I had aspirations for the future. I've always been considered the promising, bright, child of the family. I've always been treated as "the smart one" everywhere I go, something I rather resent now that I look back on it. I suppose there is some truth to my intelligence, I usually had a stellar track record academically, even in university when doing math or physics early on, at least for the brief periods when my emotional issues and perfectionism didn't completely overwhelm me. I've always been interested in science, math and nature, interests my father instilled in me at an early age, although I'm quite partial to many of the arts as well. I don't say any of this to brag, just to help elucidate an important fact that has informed my emotional issues. Little good any of this has done me however as to this day my interests have served as nothing but a side hobby (I never managed to get so much as a diploma despite trying several different fields) and a painful reminder of what could have been.

I have attempted to face my emotional demons. I've been on 4 or 5 different SSRIs at one time or another through the years, none of which did much but flatten me out. I've seen a series of psychiatrists and therapists to varying degrees of success, currently I'm attending some group therapy sessions. I see more promise and progress in therapy than psychiatry though either way it's been and will continue to be a painfully slow process. My life has been 5 steps forward and 4 1/2 back for what seems like the better part of 2 decades. It's exhausting and has taken its toll.

My most resent emotional escapades involve trying and quitting yet another retail job after just 4 days, it was a night time stocking job at Walmart. In my defence it was a bit of a perfect storm of negatives, otherwise I would have been able to stick it out. Still it served as yet another thing to add to the VERY long list of perceived failures in my life, though I suppose it's better that the 1 day that I lasted in the 2 previous jobs. I HAVE managed to rally back from this blow much faster than in the past however which is a good sign. I resigned properly this time instead of being just a no show and got back out handing out resumes quickly. I now have another job starting soon at a local EBGames, Gamestop in the US, it's just 1-2 days a week and min wage and who knows if I will crash and burn here to or not, but it's something.

I've come to realize that my biggest issues are a deep seated sense of self hatred, an avoidant personality (I cut and run like a *****, like no one else), and an enmeshed relationship with my parents that has allowed me to live off them and with them like a child (though I have to admit this safety net has saved my life on more than a few occasions). My sense of self esteem and negative self image could not possibly be much lower despite the fact that I know factually speaking that I have many positive qualities going for me (I'm kind hearted, and an interesting person, etc etc, but I don't really believe any of that in some ways). I spend a good portion of my days and mental energy trying to hold back the self destructive mental demons that want to eat me alive and as a result I'm perpetually running on fumes, I don't have a reserves needed to face life's slings and arrows. Heck some days I barely have enough to get through the day. Even the smallest of things can throw me for a loop and send me into a bitter, childish, self destructive pit of despair. I try not to think of the future too much, because if I do the long road ahead and view from the bottom of this valley will overwhelm me. And yet paradoxically if I'm to get out of this hole that's exactly what I need to do, plan for the future. I need to get a job, go back to school, move out of my parents house. Yet even thinking about doing any one of these things is enough to overwhelm me. Instead I make meek attempts at them, like trying time and again to do some petty retail job, while hiding at home trying to distract myself with YouTube and games so my mind doesn't eat me alive.

I honestly don't know how to escape this mental prison I'm in. I know it's one largely of my own construction, but that knowledge seems to be of little use :-(

[raestan92]

I know what you mean when you say you "want to escape the mental prison". I have felt this way since the age of 14. I've been on the meds as well and I still take effexor and that's it. I was on lithium for 5 years and quit it and couldn't even tell a difference. I've seen the doctors, councilors, and been in group therapy too. Sometimes I think I should give up on trying to get " better" and just deal with who/what I am....but I know I have to keep seeing the positives in life and keep putting one foot in front of the other....otherwise our thoughts could drive us mad. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

Originally Posted by povman

There was a time believe it or not when I had aspirations for the future. I've always been considered the promising, bright, child of the family. I've always been treated as "the smart one" everywhere I go, something I rather resent now that I look back on it. I suppose there is some truth to my intelligence, I usually had a stellar track record academically, even in university when doing math or physics early on, at least for the brief periods when my emotional issues and perfectionism didn't completely overwhelm me. I've always been interested in science, math and nature, interests my father instilled in me at an early age, although I'm quite partial to many of the arts as well. I don't say any of this to brag, just to help elucidate an important fact that has informed my emotional issues. Little good any of this has done me however as to this day my interests have served as nothing but a side hobby (I never managed to get so much as a diploma despite trying several different fields) and a painful reminder of what could have been.

I have attempted to face my emotional demons. I've been on 4 or 5 different SSRIs at one time or another through the years, none of which did much but flatten me out. I've seen a series of psychiatrists and therapists to varying degrees of success, currently I'm attending some group therapy sessions. I see more promise and progress in therapy than psychiatry though either way it's been and will continue to be a painfully slow process. My life has been 5 steps forward and 4 1/2 back for what seems like the better part of 2 decades. It's exhausting and has taken its toll.

Most people are extremely narrow minded when it comes to being book smart. Their immediate thought is to make the assumption that everything will come easily in life because one is book smart... I know exactly where you're coming from on that one. There is so much more to life than keeping one's head in a book. It's sad to me that most people don't have that thought and put pressure on those of us who are while ignorantly dismissing us for all the other struggles we experience otherwise. They don't understand the disappointment, anger, guilt, fear, etc. because they're not going through it themselves - yet continue to apply the pressure while not hiding their ignorant annoyance. Added to that, what makes it even more difficult is going through a struggle like this... Two decades is a long time and I can see why you're exhausted. Hopefully you find some true and healthy relief soon.

[povman]

Originally Posted by raestan92

I know what you mean when you say you "want to escape the mental prison". I have felt this way since the age of 14. I've been on the meds as well and I still take effexor and that's it. I was on lithium for 5 years and quit it and couldn't even tell a difference. I've seen the doctors, councilors, and been in group therapy too. Sometimes I think I should give up on trying to get " better" and just deal with who/what I am....but I know I have to keep seeing the positives in life and keep putting one foot in front of the other....otherwise our thoughts could drive us mad. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

Thank you raestan92, yes it's an eternal struggle isn't it? Some days I wonder where I'm going to get the energy to get to sundown. Other days things are looking on the up and up. More than anything it's the back and forth between these 2 states that I can't stand. If I were eternally horribly depressed I would resign myself to a self destructive oblivion, that would be horrible but in some ways the knowledge of its finality would almost be oddly comforting. If every day looked better than the next, well that would of course be the best of all worlds. But this, one day things look good, the next I'm back in hell, is torture These last few weeks have been largely steady, although I'm quite anxious about starting the new job. But I'm always just waiting for the "other shoe to drop" for that next mini nervous break down to hit, that next bit of bad news or trigger that will set me off down the dark rabbit hole. Anyway sorry for being negative. Thanks for replying it means a lot!

[povman]

Originally Posted by floating.feather

Most people are extremely narrow minded when it comes to being book smart. Their immediate thought is to make the assumption that everything will come easily in life because one is book smart... I know exactly where you're coming from on that one. There is so much more to life than keeping one's head in a book. It's sad to me that most people don't have that thought and put pressure on those of us who are while ignorantly dismissing us for all the other struggles we experience otherwise. They don't understand the disappointment, anger, guilt, fear, etc. because they're not going through it themselves - yet continue to apply the pressure while not hiding their ignorant annoyance. Added to that, what makes it even more difficult is going through a struggle like this... Two decades is a long time and I can see why you're exhausted. Hopefully you find some true and healthy relief soon.

Thanks floating.feather, that means a lot. Indeed I know exactly what you mean. While my father largely understands my problems as he has a lot of his own emotional problems, I don't get the feeling the rest of my family really understands. I mean they know factually that there is something wrong with me emotionally. But I get the feeling from the odd glance and the tone of some people's voices that there is a puzzled, almost bewildered aspect to how they look at me. It's as if they want to say "I know you are depressed but look at all that you have going for you, if I were you I'd use that as leverage to pick myself up off the floor, I can only wish I had what you have". In fact I've been told as much one or two times in my life. It really does stem from a very shallow, surface understanding of what it's like to have emotional problems. They think it's akin to their own "bad days" only maybe magnified a bit. What they fail to understand is that depression and anxiety cloud and warp the very lens through which you perceive reality. It's a cancer that mercilessly eats away at the very internal emotional support structures of ones personality. People don't understand that in many ways it would be easier to deal with the death of a loved one than to face long term depression and anxiety. The first while tragic leaves your mind and how you perceive the world at least somewhat intact. The latter strips away the very copping mechanisms you need to deal with life in the first place. Sorry I'm beginning to wander here.

Thanks very much for the reply, it means a lot!

[waterknob1234]

Depression and anxiety are exhausting demons to fight day after day, year after year. They do take their toll. I wish you some comfort and peace in your difficult situation and in your pain.

[povman]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Depression and anxiety are exhausting demons to fight day after day, year after year. They do take their toll. I wish you some comfort and peace in your difficult situation and in your pain.

Thank-you waterknob!!

Originally Posted by povman

Hi everyone, sorry for what will probably me a rather long post. I've found that periodically venting everything can be a cathartic exercise. I've posted here before a long time back and received some very nice replies, not sure anyone will remember me.

I honestly don't know how to escape this mental prison I'm in. I know it's one largely of my own construction, but that knowledge seems to be of little use :-(

Hello povman: I would just like to wish you great success with your efforts to escape your mental prison. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, here on PC...

[Mustkeepjob32]

Wow I totally relate to your book smart issues. I am also considered by friends and family to be incredibly smart. Yet I'm the messed up one with horrible mental health problems. While my parents don't throw it under the rug outright, there is this theme in my family to not acknowledge it too much.
My brothers have their successful lives and I'm just suffering. I also know that my parents enabled me so much too growing up and I never grew the skin needed for an OK adult life in this world.

[povman]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello povman: I would just like to wish you great success with your efforts to escape your mental prison. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, here on PC...

No, I thank YOU for the kind reply, it means a lot!

[povman]

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

Wow I totally relate to your book smart issues. I am also considered by friends and family to be incredibly smart. Yet I'm the messed up one with horrible mental health problems. While my parents don't throw it under the rug outright, there is this theme in my family to not acknowledge it too much.
My brothers have their successful lives and I'm just suffering. I also know that my parents enabled me so much too growing up and I never grew the skin needed for an OK adult life in this world.

Thanks Mustkeep. Indeed that's exactly how I feel as well, I never managed to grow the thick skin required to handle the world. Playing devils advocate a bit I have to say that I don't entirely blame my parents 100%, they meant well in my case but didn't know any better at the time. I DO think they should have realized earlier on that I needed emotional help in the way of therapy at a younger age but I don't hold that entirely against them either. It's just very unfortunate that things have worked out the way they have.

[raestan92]

Hope I'm replying correctly like I wanted...we'll see I guess. Just wanted to come back on this post and see if anyone had replied....and was very happy you got supportive comments :-) I hope things are looking up for you. Just keep pushing yourself and remember to give yourself a pat on the back when you accomplish a goal. We are our biggest critics and will tear ourselves down way too easily. Wish the best for you!

Originally Posted by povman

Thank you raestan92, yes it's an eternal struggle isn't it? Some days I wonder where I'm going to get the energy to get to sundown. Other days things are looking on the up and up. More than anything it's the back and forth between these 2 states that I can't stand. If I were eternally horribly depressed I would resign myself to a self destructive oblivion, that would be horrible but in some ways the knowledge of its finality would almost be oddly comforting. If every day looked better than the next, well that would of course be the best of all worlds. But this, one day things look good, the next I'm back in hell, is torture These last few weeks have been largely steady, although I'm quite anxious about starting the new job. But I'm always just waiting for the "other shoe to drop" for that next mini nervous break down to hit, that next bit of bad news or trigger that will set me off down the dark rabbit hole. Anyway sorry for being negative. Thanks for replying it means a lot!

[Mustkeepjob32]

It's hard because we can all look at our parents and see things they've done that caused damage in us. The thing is we can't blame them totally and also we understand that parents are only human and they don't always make the best decisions in regard to their children.

[Fuzzybear]

[povman]

Originally Posted by raestan92

Hope I'm replying correctly like I wanted...we'll see I guess. Just wanted to come back on this post and see if anyone had replied....and was very happy you got supportive comments :-) I hope things are looking up for you. Just keep pushing yourself and remember to give yourself a pat on the back when you accomplish a goal. We are our biggest critics and will tear ourselves down way too easily. Wish the best for you!

Thanks again raestan92, you are so right that we are our own worst critics. For me the is especially true with my perfectionism and self hatred issues. It's difficult for me to place anything I do in my life in anything but the failure column. I know that that's not factually true, but emotionally I don't really feel I have any successes. It's something I have to learn to work on, though something that's proving to be very difficult for me.

[povman]

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

It's hard because we can all look at our parents and see things they've done that caused damage in us. The thing is we can't blame them totally and also we understand that parents are only human and they don't always make the best decisions in regard to their children.

That's true Mustkeep. In my case I know that both my parents have their own emotional problems and large blind spots and that some of the things that I resent them for come from their own issues. It's difficult to be so angry at them in one moment then, once you have calmed down, realize that perhaps they don't realize what they have or are doing.