So tired of this.

For so long I've wished I could just close my eyes and stop existing. I've had such a short life and saying that I've truly enjoyed it would damn sure be a lie. I'm tired of going through this every single day and no matter how much I acknowledge my struggle it doesn't even matter. Not at all. Not one bit. Anyone who says it does clearly doesn't care because they're not going through it. They're not me. Even people going through the same thing treat me as though what I say is totally insignificant. Those 'close' to me who should understand clearly don't. My attempts to explain myself don't matter. I'm still getting the same response: whatever I say is completely disregarded. I'm ignored. I'm talked over. I'm flat out said to literally be be wrong. I'm physically blocked. I'm not allowed a single ounce of privacy, courtesy - not even so much as acknowledgement. Nothing I say or do changes anything in terms of how I'm regarded. At all. I'm constantly struggling with the same problem, over and over and over and over and over...for years....and I'm so tired....of being made out to be the one who is wrong when the ways I am treated are wrong on so many levels. It's disgusting and sad that I can not do anything to get away from this type of behavior, being treated as though I am not a human being. I did not ask to come into existence only to be subjected to this type of mistreatment at every damn turn I make in all areas of my so called life...my entire life...My entire short, pathetic, unfulfilling life. I don't even care if this gets taken down or if my account gets deleted - clearly nothing will change how other people regard me. I open my mouth to speak and it is as if the wind just stirred...nothing to be paid any attention to...MY OWN personal space consistently invaded regardless of the metaphoric lose 'protection' of doors and my own damn arms...I'm so through I do not want to do this any more. Hoping for the day I no longer face this so consistently is completely pointless - my constant assertion means absolutely NOTHING. My actions my words mean absolutely nothing, just like the tears I'm constantly holding back simply from knowing that and allowing them to flow now because I'm so angry and utterly disgusted. The bitter hurt and disappointment that comes with this...

floating.feather I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Your words do matter and so do you. Maybe if you try different words and actions to explain yourself you may get a different response, just a thought. We all need space of our own sometimes it just takes a bit of patience to get it. I really hope things are better for you today. Don't hold back your tears everyone needs a good cry once in a while. You are important and your feelings do matter. I do care and I wish the best for you.

Floating, I'm so sorry that you're experiencing such pain. I know how you feel - and it does get better. Like the ocean, depression ebbs and flows, has some highs and many lowest of lows, but soon you won't feel as bad. Maybe try to close your eyes and cry, try and release some of the pain, then take a leap of faith and go out in the world. Feel the sun kiss your skin, the wind blow between your fingers, and maybe you'll see a ray of hope. Keep hanging in there. Things get better, I promise

Hi floating.feather, I'm really sorry things have been/are so hard for you and I can imagine you must see it as pointless in even trying to explain all of that to everyone around you??
But that says a whole lot more about their lack of understanding than it does about you, OK??
You and your feelings do matter!! And they matter to us!!
So whatever you want to say we're here for you.
And just picking up on a few things...........you/your life aren't pathetic You may be struggling a lot right now but you do have a lot to cope with by the sounds of it. And you know things can get better with time, help, support...........it might not feel like it right now but..........so for now is there any way you can get a little more support (because guaranteed not everyone will be as disregarding as those around you) e.g. any friends/other family members you can share with or a doctor/pdoc???
Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with letting out your feelings (just as with your tears) and you deserve understanding.
It can take time to work through depression (one step at a time, hey ) and whatever support you can get with it............well that's something, right?
But you know you're not so alone anyway, yes?? Because we're here for you
Alison

A week later...

I did come back a few times and didn't know what to say. Still don't but I feel I at least should thank all of you for the replies and hugs... <3