Just random thoughts.. just need to get it out of my chest

(WARNING: might be lots of triggers for others.. so please be careful reading it)

What can you do when you're at your all-time low? When the things you used to do to get out of it does not work anymore. Memories keep creeping up and popping in my head, making me hate myself, making me want to end my life. I heard this saying "when you ask God for forgiveness, don't forget to forgive yourself". That saying is true, but so hard to do. What if you ask for forgiveness but you can't forgive yourself? When forgiving yourself is hard to do, what else can you do? When you're at your lowest and things get over your head, what can you do? Forgiving oneself is hard to do in my opinion, but how can you overcome that in order to be "well" and move on? What else can you do but put up a face to show you're okay, but deep inside you know you're not.

When you reflect on your life, what do you see? Do you see happiness or do you see sadness? For me, I see both. When I would reflect on my life and my life dream, I get saddened and lose hope. People get to live my life while I am here stuck in limbo. Yes, a lot of people have told me I control my life and that I should make the decisions. Unfortunately that is impossible with how my family is. I can't even get out of the house to be with friends without them, my parents, calling and texting me every 5 minutes. Yes, I know we live in dangerous times now and they're just looking out for me, but sometimes I think it is a contradiction from them. Why? Because my dad would ask me what I want to do with my life, but then when I answer something they do not agree with, they put me down right away. How can I evolve if I can't spread my wings?

I know I shouldn't think of the negativity and think positive, and sometimes I feel that my problems aren't even worth sharing. I just don't know how to get out of this "slump". I do not know if it's the self-destructive attitude or what, but I tend to do something to myself or wish ill upon myself. There have been times I would think I would have the "big C" and I wouldn't seek medical attention (might be a trigger here) because I don't want to be well and that I know I do not have the resources for the treatment. I am in THAT low of feeling.

I know in some extent that there is no one to blame but me. It is my own actions, my own fault and my own f(insert swear word) life. When I'm with my family, I tend to stay away and keep my distance. They do call me to be closer, but I don't know, I just don't go to them. They don't even talk to me and there's nothing to say, so why stay. My mom said I don't get depressed, that's what they know. Sometimes I think of (another possible trigger) taking the lethal dosage of Valium and cut my wrist at the same time to make sure that I won't be saved. Even though God says I am not a mistake, I know that I am.

How can you think you're not a mistake when deep in your heart you feel you are? When you feel you're just a waste of life, time, energy, and most especially attention. When you don't deserve to be loved. Have you also ever felt even though you are surrounded by people you love, you still feel alone? There are times I feel I do not have friends. I only have acquaintances. I don't remember having a best friend. I had one when I moved to a new school, but then she told me if it was okay if we would just be friends and not best friends. Then in college, I had a friend that I really got along with and became best friends, but even she disappeared. What would that make you think if it were you? People always leave, that's for sure. Tried and tested.

I don't think there is anything in your post that I haven't thought myself. except I don't have the family. I ditched them when I was 21. they sucked so I cut them off. didn't need that negativity in my life. it has taken me a long time to evolve from these thoughts. I think meds helped a lot. therapy certainly. but a lot of it was feeling better about myself. focusing on my strengths and finding a job that meant something to me, where I was doing good each day. and being supported, or I should say allowing myself to be supported by those around me. not focusing on myself as the outsider but believing that people really do care. take care.

I have been there and I am very sorry you are going through this. It is possible to overcome those feelings. Religion helped me ( now I do not participate in the church anymore but I have to recognize that it was helpful in that regard). The only thing that helps me during times as described by you is not to take myself so seriously. Also, to acknowledge that I am just a tiny particle of dust in an immense universe and that I do not control everything. Yes, I own my decisions but there have been a lot of conditioning. I deeply think that we are not as free as we think. And that it is a temptation of pride to go to the past to beat up myself. I am not somebody that indulge herself with avoiding responsibilities at all. But there is no magic thought that will transport me to the past to modify a single thing. It takes a lot of thinking and discipline to stop visiting the past, but it is possible. Instead, it is the future what scares me and causes my depression somehow. I have not achieved the necessary mental discipline to stop that. But I am hopeful I will do it some day.

Pretty much everything you wrote rings true for me as well. Letting myself feel loved has been difficult lately. It is impossible to feel loved when you don't feel love for yourself. Forgiving oneself is also terribly difficult. And I'm not entirely coherent about what I need to forgive myself for other than a general, pervasive feeling of being a failure. This is an exhausting, life-long struggle and changing one's feelings about oneself can seem absolutely impossible in the darkest times. I don't have any great words of wisdom but you are NOT alone - there are legions of us out there who "get it" - and you have friends here.

Thanks guys. It feels good to know that I am not alone in this kind of struggle. It means a lot to me knowing that it is possible to overcome it. Just have to accept that it will take some time.

Same here. I'm not a patient person by nature, so feeling this crappy for this long and not detecting any break in the clouds is the pits. Being on this site and relating to other people who are in the same boat has really helped me. It makes me feel like there WILL be ups and downs (LOTS of them) but there are always people out there somewhere who will share words of understanding when I'm stuck in a really bad place. I hope you find some relief from your family stress, and more friends who even if they don't understand your feelings, validate them by listening and offering nothing but love and support. Being misunderstood and isolated just makes everything so much worse. Keep trying...

thanks DogTired… *huge hugs* for you

The past can help us to understand things now and we can learn from stresses, setbacks, disappointments, and mistakes and make positive changes we recognise are important and want to do now. We only live once. Its unhelpful to fight with ourselves when painful, stressful things happen in our lives or to cover up, bottle up our true feelings.

((Nina)) Love you hang in there you have a lot of people that care and love you never forget that and if you ever need to talk you know how to get ahold of me ((Nina)).