[Shriveled Muse]

So I've mentioned this before in past posts. I have both anxiety and depression and I coped with it for the past decade by suppressing my emotions. Does anyone here do this too?

I have started to wonder whether I am actually suppressing. I have always thought of it like acting. I smile and think like who I'm "supposed" to be until I become this character. Is this suppressing? I've often heard how suppression doesn't work, but it did work for me for the past decade until I decided this year not to act anymore. I still have a mask on though because I don't want people to see me and ask "what's wrong with you?". Apparently I still have a terrible aura, so this mask doesn't work that well.

If acting in this sense is counted as suppression, then is it bad if I keep on doing it? I'm still half suppressing so that I'm not bursting into tears at random or shaking as I walk down the hallways. I've only taken on as much emotion as I can handle without showing it visibly. However, I need to find a way to concentrate otherwise I can't keep up with my schoolwork and part time job. I already feel like everything is coming apart at the seams. I waste far too much time just feeling like s*** and "recharging" if you know what I mean.

If suppressing is bad, how do I completely unsuppress? I have unsuppressed to this point already, but I'm unsure how to continue. I'm also afraid of completely letting loose because then I will have close to no control and as a result, everyone will find out (only one person knows, and he doesn't know all the details either).

Thank you very much for reading up till this point. Any advice or comment is greatly appreciated.

[Creative1onder]

I call it bottling up emotions or containing them. This feeds depression and anxiety. It makes you ill keeping difficult feelings locked up hidden away from others. Stress and anger can build up in you which leads to depression. Its self destructive.

[Hellion]

I have tried entirely suppressing feelings or ignoring it because its too painful or feels like too much, though usually eventually something will set me off and it all comes out. Also though a lot of times around people I kind of mask my true feelings when I am feeling really bad since I don't want to bring everyone else down and create a gloomy atmosphere....of course that gets exhausting so sometime I have to go be by myself and feel crappy without having to worry about it effecting anyone.

[Crook32]

I always hold my feelings inside and it never leads to anything good. My T is trying to get me to process my anger so that it doesn't build up to the point of me exploding. I know all about acting so that no one knows how bad I am feeling. You know the whole "fake it til you make it". Not sure that really works though.

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[Shriveled Muse]

When I do bottle them up, I end up wondering if I'm bottling anything up at all because it feels like everything is fine. I'm guessing it's because I keep it so deep inside myself that it's locked. Sometimes, it's even difficult to draw out this emotion anymore so sometimes I wonder if I'm just imagining all this negativity. I get a bit more emotional every few weeks, but nothing explosive. But when I do manage to let it out, it's just so painful that I wonder why I thought it was just imagination in the first place. The reason I supposedly mask it in the first place is just so that I can hide from people.

Is it all just my imagination?

[Crook32]

I know what you mean. I fake it so much that I wonder if I am just causing all the bad feelings myself. I get confused which me is the real one, the depressed one or the one everyone else sees. If that all makes sense.

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[Shriveled Muse]

Makes all the sense in my world. It's great to know that it's not just me. It's a great relief.

Which one do you think is the real one? Currently, I'm thinking that the depressed one is the real me.

[Velouria]

With the old suppressed feelings that are still locked up inside you, you'll have to deal with those in therapy. Usually you can find patterns of behavior and dynamics that bother you in the present that link back to things that happened in your childhood/family/upbringing/school/etc.

The new feelings are tricky. When you do it often, suppression can become a knee-jerk response, and you can start doing it automatically, without even realizing you're doing it. Then you take a look at something that's just occurred and think, "Hey, wait a minute . . ." But it's too late too even react. And then things get displaced, and it becomes a mess. You start reacting to one thing when really you're reacting to something that happened 5 hours ago, or yesterday. At least, that's what happens to me.

It took me two years to actually cry in therapy. Two whole years. I only cried after I started getting better. It's still hard for me to cry in general, though.

You have to completely let loose in a place where you feel safe (like in therapy). But you should do it. You'll feel so much better. Suppressing things causes more depression and anxiety, so it just turns into a vicious cycle.

You have to be aware of it when you're doing it and stop. And let yourself feel. You can't be afraid of feeling.

[cool09]

Aren't we all brought up to suppress feelings frequently in our daily lives? I mean life becomes a game of compartmentalizing ourselves and bringing ourselves out only at allowed times. At work people are expected not to express certain feelings and develop a thick skin and let certain things roll off our back. In our personal lives it's like just the opposite: you're expected to express yourself as much as you possibly can. Personally, I'm not built to work in this mode of constantly building walls and opening them up. (Really messes with your head and builds frustration for me.) Some people have an easier time mastering it than others do. (I worked for a small group in the Air Force for a short time in a highly technical position and it really tested me. I mean it was odd what people shared and didn't share and how cold high-level senior employees were. They always talked about teamwork but I saw no evidence of it. I've seen better teamwork on Little League fields. I had to get out of there.) I apologize if I'm being too analytical for the OP or possibly not addressing the question.

(I read an article on Ben Affleck this week and he talked about this exact problem. He said that he holds things in for a long time and they usually come out later in a way that's not completely healthy. He said he has no control over it.)

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by Shriveled Muse

Makes all the sense in my world. It's great to know that it's not just me. It's a great relief.

Which one do you think is the real one? Currently, I'm thinking that the depressed one is the real me.

I brought that up to my T last time and she said they could both be the real me. That people are complicated.

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[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Shriveled Muse

When I do bottle them up, I end up wondering if I'm bottling anything up at all because it feels like everything is fine. I'm guessing it's because I keep it so deep inside myself that it's locked. Sometimes, it's even difficult to draw out this emotion anymore so sometimes I wonder if I'm just imagining all this negativity. I get a bit more emotional every few weeks, but nothing explosive. But when I do manage to let it out, it's just so painful that I wonder why I thought it was just imagination in the first place. The reason I supposedly mask it in the first place is just so that I can hide from people.

Is it all just my imagination?

Sometimes I get feeling really numb to where I know there is something 'wrong' but I cannot figure out what it is because I can't feel it but know its there..but can't be identified. So I kinda know what you mean by suppressing it so much you don't even know for sure you are bottling anything up.

[flours]

it seems that it is not only okay but good if anybody else expresses their feelings but if I do that it seems unacceptable to everyone around. so I basically am not allowed to do it if I don't want people shouting and pointing fingers at me and accusing me of evil intentions. I can't deal with this kind of excitement. so I need to be quiet and pretend everything is fine. but it is not enough if I only don't say what I feel or want, I even have to pretend perfectly that everything is just fine because if not they will accuse me anyway because my face looks unsupportive of whatever is going on. not sure if this is suppressing.

[Shriveled Muse]

Thank you all for your responses! I am currently considering therapy, though I'm not sure where to find a good therapist nor whether I'd have the time or energy to attend regular appointments.

Now that I'm not suppressing as much as I used to last year, I suppose it's a good sign that I do cry frequently on a regular basis when I am completely alone. I'm starting to learn how to feel more but I just need to be completely alone to let it out because I have a sort of "safety" switch on that prevents me from expressing my innermost feelings if there are other people near me. Now when I feel something building up due to triggers or something similar, I just try and find a place where I can be alone. Even so, I still do feel that I'm keeping something unidentifiable back like what Hellion mentioned. Even though I'm already a crying mess, there's still something there.

Cool09: I do agree that most people operate in that way. People talk a lot with their friends about how frustrating this is or how angry they are at that person while showing next to nothing with work colleagues or clients. I suppose the type of suppression that I'm talking about would be like my first metaphor of acting. The moment I step out of my room in the morning, I walk onto the stage and become the character I'm supposed to be in front of everyone I meet while bottling up my true emotions. I'm guessing that although most people don't show it, they still feel it and express it later on in their day. Well, at least that's what I see my family doing.

Flours: It is similar with myself as well. When I decide to express my true thoughts, there is always someone who shuts me down: the main reason why I started suppressing in the first place. I think that is suppressing; it's pretty much what I used to do on a daily basis. Right now, I only have a mask on and, as you mentioned, people are questioning me because my "aura" isn't as positive as theirs. My face looks okay, but apparently I give off a bad atmosphere...... Only acting works the best for me to avoid their questions.