[FireBird]

Hi, this is my first post on this site. I am very depressed right now. Everything is going wrong in my life now. I'm scared that I am going to lose everything. A lot of things are going wrong such as the dishwasher breaking costing over $700, 4 car repairs costing over $2,000, and several other things going wrong costing even more money. This is over the last month. This is why I think our family is going to lose everything we own because all this is costing way too much money and it is going to make us poor. Another thing that is going wrong is that I am constantly going catatonic everyday but luckily not for too long at a time. I would freeze in the middle of doing something. Even in the middle of typing this or eating a meal. I try to cry in my room but for some reason I can't. My mom was sick and I was afraid that she was going to die because when she gets sick it is a near death experience because she has bad lungs. Another thing that is getting to me is guilt. I have psychic dreams and predicted the tsunami, earthquakes, plane crashes, 9/11, wars, murders, rapes, and more! I influenced the deaths of 350,000 people and it is making me very depressed and I hate myself because of it. Because of all these deaths, the government is spying on me and is reading my mind with a device. I have no privacy in my room because of it. The paranoia adds to my depression. It is very difficult to go in public because people stare at me and talk about me to others. Another reason why I'm depressed is I go into different "modes" that are almost like multiple personalities but not quite. One is where I believe I am a bird and think I can fly. I speak in a different language ( not a real one, just no one can understand me) and flap my arms like a bird. In that mode, I have no control over my body and some outside force like the CIA or FBI is controlling me. The next mode is a robot where I speak in a robotic voice. And the last mode is the "thought disorder" mode in which I can't complete a sentence. It comes out all mixed up and I don't make any sense. All this just makes my depression much worse and this is why people talk about me in public. Some days I feel suicidal and think I can't take this any more. I am getting worse as time goes on. I can't even walk at a decent pace, I walk as slow as a turtle. I feel hopeless and totally worthless as a human being. I'm so bad now that I can't even go to school or have a job. I'm afraid that this is what my life will continue to bring. What do I do to stop the depression? I am on anti depressant meds and it was working and then it stopped. I also have a psychologist and a psychiatrist. What is there to live for? Each day that passes, I am getting more depressed. How do you deal with severe depression? Sorry for the post being so long

[SpazKatt]

Hi and welcome to PC!!! I hope you find it to be a helpful place. I am so sorry for everything that you are going through right now. I hope you know that makes you such a strong and amazing person for dealing with all of this. I am curious if you're seeing a therapist or counselor because if you aren't I thin that would be a great start. I know this is a little private but are you on any medications at the moment? Thanks let me know so I can answer your questions better.

[Flinty]

(((((((((((((Firebird)))))))))))

I am sorry that things don't seem to be working in your favour at the moment!!!

I understand the pressures of money or lack of it.... But remember money is a material thing.....

Do you see a therapist for the way you feel???
If you don't, it might be a good idea, or even a support group where you can talk to people who have been through or going through similar things to what you are!!

I can only talk to you about my own experience!!
I suffered very deep depression, but there came a point where I didn't want to live me life that way anymore!

It's been damn hard work, I used to be a person that would lock herself away on my bad days, never to leave my house, but deep down inside that wasn't who I am!!
My first goal was to replace the negative with positive!!
Instead of saying "I am worthless" - i replaced it with "I am worthy."

As I said it was hard & I couldn't do it alone!!

I hope that you can find someone to talk to about how you feel & that you start feeling brighter soon!!

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

Flinty
PS - If you ever need to talk, don't be afraid to send me a PM!

[FireBird]

I take anti depressant meds. They were working at one time but it stopped working now. Just too many things going wrong. Yes, I see a psychologist and a psychiatrist and tell them everything.

[jefftele]

hi i suffer with recurrent severe depression i can only say that although when i am in one i feel like this is the end the worst seems to pass .i maintain contact with people take meds and wait had so many lows i've lost count how many i've had but they pass i would'nt be writing this otherwise! reach out for someone if you can

[cupboard]

You may want to join a cbt group or find a cbt therapist. This is what has helped me.

[Irine]

well... i see. things are really going wrong in your life.
i admire you for coping with that government/public thing as well. you have high powers or something...?

hmm..... so the psychological treatment doesn`t help you much these days?
i agree that support groups are a good idea.
i have some wounderful stories about life and how you except them, but i am afraid the may look patheric to you, since you don`t seem to me in the state of mind for that.

i know that doing any kind of physical axcercise-it HAELPS A LOT to take bad thoughts out of your mind. it actually improved my mood. i don`t talk about triggering thoguts. but it helps in a way

i guess you don`t want to live this way any more?
do you want a change? can you actually DO anythig about this government thing?

i`ll tell you my personal oppinion-i think that it`s hard to be sure whether we REALLY pradict things and you shouldn`t consider yourself resposible for the death of all those ppl.
that`s quite horrible. adn it`s even harder to find the courage and the confidance to talk about it.

" go into different "modes" that are almost like multiple personalities but not quite"
i know it`s a type of a disorder. what your psychiatrist is doing about it?
maybe you need to change the meds you take?

i see you have a hard life. now it became harder.
so i think - mostly we have 2 choices in all cases-

1. if we are not ready to except our lives the way they are we try to do something to change them

2. if we have no choice then we have to axcept life as it is.
it means that we practice letting things be the way they are and not feeling bad becasue of themit`s when you know there is no good and no bad and if thigd happen the wqay they happen -then it should be so.
there is a reason for everything. a reason we mught not know. it requiers FAITH in God or in life.

in your case especialy it requiers A LOT of spiritual strength.....
you have to check with yourself if you have it.
if you do it will do great for you. if you don`t ... then you need something else! but i doesn`t mean you are too weak to cope with your life.

"I try to cry in my room but for some reason I can't."

ho i am familiar with this situation. the reason is that your sorry is really that big that you can`t even let it out right now.
but when you find something that start helping you you will find the release of emotion. you know there may be some kinds of music or such things that make you emotional.

so..i wanted to tell you one last thing:
YOU DESERVE a better life!
your way out of your depression will be the new thing...
that maybe you haven`t tried..? nd then step by step you may start releaisng emotion, then after lettingit go trying maybe to realize how to be potimistic one day...

the book "conversations with God" by neal donald walsh may help you a lot also now that i think of it, if you actually receave msg from God-so that you can leard better ways of dealing with it by getting closer to God.
this book really changed me in some ways. and made my life easier.

heck, LONG post. sorry.

hope you maybe find something in
it. becasue if you have those powers- the a spititual way
can be just for you. people who have those powers can find in thelselves the strength to servive....AND get control over the moods. now that i think of it it seems to me more and more that your salvation may come from the spiritual direction. that`s how it seems to ME....

[ally88]

hi, Im sorry that you are having to deal with all these things. Just try to take it one step at a time. It's not your fault and do not worry about those people that talk about you. Thats their problem if they wanna talk. They dont know what your going through. Ignore them. Even if you cannot talk to anyone else, you can always come here to this website and there are many people willing to help you out and just be here for you to express your feelings to.

[(JD)]

I think you are dealing with much more than depression, unfortunately. Please do ask your therapists for more help, as soon as you can.

I am guessing you are in your 20s or so, since you are so aware of your household's financial problems, and I would hope a parent wouldn't be sharing that with a child.

Hang in there, and stay safe. Stick around ppl as much as you can, it's unfortunate that you can't get a job or do schooling, but some activity rather than being around the house concentrating on just what is happening can be very depressing.

TC

[cupboard]

I agree getting your self involved in more activities to keep you busy would help a lot.

[dreamgirl30]

hi,

I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. I can understand very well what you feel when things go wrong. Busy yourself so it makes to stop thinking like that

Hugs,
Dreamgirl