self destruct sequence

this whole weekend felt just horrible. i couldn't get in touch with anyone... there were some sad things going on which i couldn't be a part of to lend my support... and i've just been absorbed with drawing things on my computer, whcih i keep telling myself is a constructive thing to do... but it just really seems like it is the only way i can stay out of bed. and even so i am still in bed for a few hours each day.

working on my web and creating gifs has been interfering with my sleep schedule but if i stop and try to tak e that energy to do something else... ANYTHING else... just pay ONE FREAKIN BILL and get it in the mail ro make ONE phone call to a credit company... or even just tryo to get outside if the weather is nice... go for a ride or just open the door and breathe a little bit. but the moment I try any fo that i just end up back in bed. and working on my website i do think is better than being in bed the WHOLE day.

my "positive" list of things are all like "i washed my dishes once last week" or "i stayed out of bed one day last week" and i know those are good things but they are all one-shots and i by now i just really like something that would "stick" even just a sign like being able to spend more time out of bed each week. instead i'll spend a whole week in bed and then the next week my "good" list will be that i spent one day out again.

i know it is a slow process but it doesn't feel like a process. it feels like i am barely treading water. this weekend i went back to the strong overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and depression that makes getting through the day so difficult.

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-- http://www.idexter.com

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Wish I know how to help you feel better. What if you try making a postive list more often. Then maybe you will do more things to put on it. Even keep a running list - you can do something positive and go write it on the list right then. And I think that working on your website and makign logos do count as positives. You are doing something constructive, giving expression to your talent and creativity, and reaching out to people. Sounds positive to me!

Yes, there are things you are avoiding that you really do need to do, like paying the bills. I hate paying the bills too, but even though I dread it when I actually sit down and get it done it turns out not to be so bad (unless the bills added up to more than the money in the bank account ). Same goes for washing the dishes and other housework. I don't usually want to do those things, but they have to be done. Breaking it up with things I would rather do, and using a timer help with that. I can work on the must do task for 10 or 15 minutes and then reward myself with computer time or a piece of chocolate. Keep trying. Something will work, but yes it does take a lot of effort.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{dexter}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((dave))))))))))))))

I do hope your feeling better with the start of a new week. I do myself understand alot of where you are coming from and often feel similar. And my positive list too I seem to look down on. Today my case worker asked my what I had acomplished over the weekend, I said well I took out the trash, and swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, and vacuumed the living room. I said to her isn't that pathetic, that is all I did. To my surprise, she told me that giving the circumstances that was quite a bit. My response was that I had no clean clothes and laundry,dishes,this and that. She just told me to start taking one thing at a time, even if it didn't seem like much.

You did the dishes that is an acomplishment in itself. And you have help me here with problems. The little things do add up. I hope you do get to feeling better or in to see your T or someone if you continue feeling so bad. I do hope it does all work out. Take care, and please do not give up hope.

Peace~ CHRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

I am sorry that the weekend was so terrible. I know misery loves company so let me join you since I broke up with my girlfriend over the weekend. I am sorry that I am such a junior member with little experience to draw advice from. It seems that your are always being supportive to so many people. There is one more positive you can add to your positive list. Write this one in there, "I helped others by being supportive today." That is a great positive when you can still help others when you are in need yourself. You have helped me since I have been here so "Thank You!!!" Hope the week turns out better.

Mike

aww dex! you're not in self destruct... you're coping. I don't do dishes but once a week (make my dishwasher work) but have you thought about paper plates and such for a few weeks or so to give you a guilt break for this?

Hey! I'm in bed when I'm on the computer! So watch it, man....

I totally understand though, I do... paying bills, or just opening the mail is a chore an absolute chore... and I have the money to pay for what I spend... what the hay... some end up late anyway and cost me money and bummer depression...

yeah therapists call it progress when we do something outside our normal scope of depression... I don't see it of course, because depression doesn't allow me to. And why do we bother when, with major depression, it proly ain't gonna go 'way no how?

i best quit, can't cheer you up with these feelings. sorry.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Baby step suck, don't they?

Hey, I agree with you that spending time on the computer is better than staying in bed. Look at what you created for Ozzie and me! You made someone really happy today! Write that out in big letters and put it up where you can see it!

You not only made me happy with your gift, you put salve on my wounded heart. I've had a very tough weekend and it will continue to be tough this week. I'm sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself and being angry at my kids and old man, BUT... <font color=red>I got a very special gift from a very special person today!!</font color=red> You've made that sun in your gif shine for me, dear one! That ain't no small feat! Cheer up, Hun. You're WONDERFUL!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

Depression is awful, (((((Dave))))), especially when it gets as bad as you're experiencing.

Are you on an antidepressant now?

Things will NOT always feel like they do now, (which I know you know, but)...

Hang in there, my friend. Warmest regards, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I know your pain dex, But I will give you plently of hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and ear to lend and a box of tissues.

You have helped me with your support and I have only been here for a while.

What if you write down everything you did, like putting a pair of socks on, took a shower or brushed your teeth, Ok, here is my thinking on that: if you write all that little stuff down, eventually you will think hey I have done some stuff lets see what else I can do today. or just use the computer in the living room, or outside, if the cords will reach and if you have a laptop. then you can write that on your list: I worked on my computer in the living room. Hey it's a start.

My weekend was sooo bad also. I probably cried 80% of the time. Those feelings of not amounting to anything, thinking I am fat, ugly and stupid just would not go away.

I tried to blame it on the moon, full with that weird hallo.

I know that there are times that no matter what kind of support people can give you, those words just don't sink in. But, look at ithis way, you got up, and you turned your computer on and you are talking to us, that is an accomplishment in my book. There are those of us who don't even do that much. I want to say "Just take it one day at a time." but that is so lame because that is all we can do.

I wish I had more words of wisdom for ya. But I have this smiley