[waterknob1234]

I had a fairly decent day. I am glad of that. I am very tired, though. I have had a lot of work to do, but at least people at work are not giving me a hard time right now. I even had compliments on my work from the head doctor. There is one co-worker that I am having a hard time trusting. This person is not a good worker. She is also someone who will try to get me in trouble just to save her own skin. Sometimes I feel bad for her but she is a bit difficult. My new medicine for migraines, amitriptyline, is working well. The only bad thing is it makes me tired but I can live with that.

[Rose76]

I got awful sad a little while ago . . . crying even. The last few months was the longest I've gone in a few years of doing pretty good, not crying and no really black thoughts. Still no really black thoughts . . . just very sad.

[Bark]

Tired and depressed. But got things to do. The assignments didn't get done. My fault. Missed my class because I was extremely tired. I was so tired I dreamt I was tired! I'm almost sure I'm going to drop one of my courses.

I wish I had a break from everything. Including the depression. Because a break with depression is no break at all.

[flours]

just woke up feeling sorry for everything I've ever done. had horrible nightmares before. like really scary horrible nightmares!
not the loosing-pants-in-public kind of but rather unsettling content-wise.......

[regretful]

Very tired this morning, mainly from being so depressed and overwhelmed. But I'm determined to beat this depression. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. I am hopeful that we all find some peace of mind today, even if it is just for a minute.

Parents finally came back home today. Both of them are ****faced, but Mom looks horrible. She came into my room a minute ago and was all like "He ****ed my sister! It's over!" I don't know what happened. But I feel like **** is gonna get pretty serious here. Anxiety is tightening my stomach. I should've done what I was thinking of doing while I had the chance, now it's too late. So ****ing mad at myself!!! I should've just ****ing done it! But no, I'm a *****. Now I have to deal with this fallout when I don't even know what's going on.

[TheLastChapter]

I keep getting panic attacks. It is getting worse and worse every day. And the attacks are lasting for up to an hour or two. The worst part is that I do not know what my stressor is at the moment of the attacks. I feel so helpless. I just want them to stop.

[Rose76]

I've gotten very depressed. I'm neglecting things. I feel afraid for the future.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Parents finally came back home today. Both of them are ****faced, but Mom looks horrible. She came into my room a minute ago and was all like "He ****ed my sister! It's over!" I don't know what happened. But I feel like **** is gonna get pretty serious here. Anxiety is tightening my stomach. I should've done what I was thinking of doing while I had the chance, now it's too late. So ****ing mad at myself!!! I should've just ****ing done it! But no, I'm a *****. Now I have to deal with this fallout when I don't even know what's going on.

I have reason to believe my parents are splitting up.
They're both sleeping at the moment, Dad in the bedroom, Mom on the couch.
Not much fighting has gone on yet, surprisingly, just Mom yelling at Dad about how he ****ed her sister and Dad telling her repeatedly to shut up. I don't know if he ****ed her sister or not, I guess he did. We'll see what happens when they sober up. In the meantime, I'm not sure how I feel. I kind of want to just leave, but I have nowhere to go.

[Grey Matter]

I am not doing well. A lot happened I don't want to get into, but I've moved states with my parents. As my mom is now my Conservator. I did not expect to be this pathetic at 24.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I have reason to believe my parents are splitting up.
They're both sleeping at the moment, Dad in the bedroom, Mom on the couch.
Not much fighting has gone on yet, surprisingly, just Mom yelling at Dad about how he ****ed her sister and Dad telling her repeatedly to shut up. I don't know if he ****ed her sister or not, I guess he did. We'll see what happens when they sober up. In the meantime, I'm not sure how I feel. I kind of want to just leave, but I have nowhere to go.

******TRIGGER******
I'm just gonna be frank, I wanna kill myself.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

******TRIGGER******
I'm just gonna be frank, I wanna kill myself.

When I was in that state of mind, I found it helpful to write anonymously to the Samaritans. They can't intervene directly but they did help me through a tough time Samaritans | Samaritans . Also, is there an Alanon organization nearby that might be helpful to you? From what I have read, it is their problems, and not yours. I hope that you can find some support. Please, if it gets too bad, get to an emergency department.

Originally Posted by regretful

When I was in that state of mind, I found it helpful to write anonymously to the Samaritans. They can't intervene directly but they did help me through a tough time Samaritans | Samaritans . Also, is there an Alanon organization nearby that might be helpful to you? From what I have read, it is their problems, and not yours. I hope that you can find some support. Please, if it gets too bad, get to an emergency department.

Thank you for this...I will write to the Samaritans and see how it goes. Unfortunately, there are no alanon organizations nearby. & I'm aware it's their problems & not mine, but having to live with it is a problem for me, and now that they're basically broken up but still having to live together because my mom has nowhere to go...and having them fight all the time...then it kind of is my problem because I have to deal with it, having nowhere else to go myself. I doubt I will find support IRL, I have no friends, and family either are dead or live out of town or don't care (like my dad and aunt - it's confirmed, the story is true.) And my mom is almost always drunk. (I don't blame her now considering what just happened to her - betrayed by both her 'soul mate' and her own sister.) But I will write to Samaritans. Thank you.

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

******TRIGGER******
I'm just gonna be frank, I wanna kill myself.

You can get emergency housing in the states if you feel you are in danger. Depending on your age you can turn them in to get them help. Do you have family member who could take you in and care for you? It's not healthy to be in a volatile environment. I speak from experience.

Originally Posted by tigersassy

You can get emergency housing in the states if you feel you are in danger. Depending on your age you can turn them in to get them help. Do you have family member who could take you in and care for you? It's not healthy to be in a volatile environment. I speak from experience.

I don't think my situation is really dire enough for emergency housing. There's nothing physical, no danger of being harmed. Just my parents being drunk and arguing. It's kinda like, So what...your parents fight...most parents fight. I don't think I would be taken seriously at all. I wouldn't turn them in either, especially not my mom because that would be a low blow considering what's just happened to her - being betrayed by both her "soul mate' and her own sister...if I did something like that it would probably be the last straw for her. I'm really all she has at the moment.
No family members who can take me in. All the rest of my family are either dead, out of town/state, or don't give a ****. There's really not much I can do.

[tigersassy]

You'd be surprised what could classify as an emergency for hosting. I'm serious try the worst they can do is tell you That they don't have room for you.

[hope2010]

I am sick with the cold again, am reading what is happening to you ShyPoetGirl and I want you to have the help you deserve, I wish you well, stay strong, easy to say hard to do it ...

I am tired, my primary care doctor will see me tomorrow afternoon, I got an appointment with him because this cold is not going away in more than 10 days. I know is related to my post cancer hormone medication, all this meds are not very friendly with my depression medication and the same happen with the Clonazepan and seroquel. At some point some one, one of my doctors, my Oncologist, my Pdoctor, or my primary care doc have to find a way to help me. I am living 27/7 with physical pain, joints and muscle pain side effects of the hormone inhibitor medications. If I stop taking am going to be under high risk of getting cancer again, my husband is sick too, am exhausted. I cried a lot earlier, later took a shower, and out I went to send a fax to the Insurance for my husband .... Back home so sick with the cold, so tired, like having depression and anxiety is not enough ... life is a challenge, life would not give me a break, so what am I suppose to do?

[tigerlily84]

Today was better than yesterday. But I absolutely know that I really cannot stand this job anymore. It's really hard to focus on the things that I do like, but it reinforces my decision to find another job. I have an interview scheduled for this Friday, so I really really hope that I get it. The next few days are very busy schedule-wise. I just want to make it to Friday and make a good impression.

[Rose76]

In bad shape.

Originally Posted by hope2010

I am sick with the cold again, am reading what is happening to you ShyPoetGirl and I want you to have the help you deserve, I wish you well, stay strong, easy to say hard to do it ...

Thank you so much. I'm managing the best I can. The night is almost over, thank goodness. I'm looking forward to sleep. I know I'll still have to wake up and face tomorrow, but at least while asleep I won't have to worry about all the ****... Maybe tomorrow will be better. (Doubt it.)

[Hellion]

I'm not insane, you're insane twisted, confusing, sick society....created by the worst living thing that exists on this planet.

[flours]

paralyzed today.
I remember a thread saying that when depressed people dream more. I think it must be true. at least for me. the dreams are so unpleasant.
and I feel again like all my actions are causing nothing. I think this is the worst part. and I think it's the core of it all. I am waiting for a sign today that I can cause something!

[regretful]

Tired, depressed, lost, scared, alone in a crowd...it's been going on for so long that I have forgotten what it is like to feel good...

Me & Mom are going to find a hotel room for a few days. Let Dad wonder where we are and think about the part he played in all of this.

[tigerlily84]

So so tired. I had to get my blood drawn this morning, and I had to fast. I didn't sleep very well as usual. And I have work soon. I hope I can make it.