[Bark]

Well seeing the nurse was pointless.

I don't want to go against what my doc said, even though I disagree.

I'm just going to sleep so I don't do something stupid, and see how screwed I end up. This is the smart thing to do, yeah?

I guess worst case I fail my exam. Ah well.

I wish I could say I'm proud to be who I am, but I am not. Sometimes I wish I wasn't considered "different". It's not what it's cut out to be. It's hard and alienating and frustrating. It can make you feel so alone...

[Nammu]

I'm so scared nervous and upset that the damn GOP is now in charge, I'm expecting them to destroy every little gain made in health care, for funding tho be cut to SS, to support that mental health bill that sends us back to the 1940s where people got locked up and put away for life, their crime... Having a mental illness. To continue destroing the constitution and civil rights for individuals and give unchecked power to corporations. They bought the election...4 billion dollars is how much they spent to gets votes though misinformation. I might as well give up now, ...no reason to go on living in this country.

[Rose76]

I'm not quite so apprehensive about the government. The GOP has to sound more radical in campaigning than they are necessarily going to be in actually governing. But we will see.

I don't feel so good today. Not too long ago, I was doing quite well. Somehow I've got to get back into that groove. I may have to push myself to get over the hump, despite wanting to take a good rest.

I hope to get some help on Monday from the family doctor. He dismisses me often for things that are getting more serious. I have to stand up for myself. He once said "you don't have to be a marshmallow about everything".. meaning too sensitive, weak, soft? I wish I could change doctors.
My mood is ok though.

[boomerango]

A bleak several days. No trigger for it that I can find. I want to do so much, so many lovely activities. All I do is dream about the ideas, and sink in the quicksand. Where is my strength? Ok, counting my blessings. It's good to write this down. Thanks for reading.:thank you:

[regretful]

When you are acutely aware that you were once very content with life, depression, like I'm suffering with now, is even more difficult to take. I wake up in sad disbelief that this is really my life. I hate it.

Tomorrow is my 18th b-day. It's taken me until the very day before to get even a smidge excited about it.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Tomorrow is my 18th b-day. It's taken me until the very day before to get even a smidge excited about it.

Have a very happy birthday!

[Bark]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Tomorrow is my 18th b-day. It's taken me until the very day before to get even a smidge excited about it.

Before I forget...

Happy 18th birthday, ShyPoetGirl!

^^^^ Thank you so much, both of you.
In other news...I have a new bed! After 8 years of sleeping on a 10-year-old mattress and 5 years of sleeping on an 8-year-old mattress after the 10-year-old one broke down too much to sleep on. It's bigger than the little twin-size I'm used to. It's all comfy and pillow-y and bouncy and I lurve it (LOL, you can tell I'm not used to having such nice things). And they delivered it today instead of tomorrow like we thought they would. So now me and my mom have the day free tomorrow to go shopping for my b-day. :3

[Bark]

Took a long time for me to sleep, but I finally did. Woke up around 5 AM, which was strange: it was eight hours later, and I usually sleep 10 easy, and barely ever wake up that early. Not that I had to use the bathroom either. Managed to fall back asleep a few more hours. Woke up feeling horrible, just waiting until night would come so I could go back to sleep. Eventually dragged myself to class and managed to pay attention and, as I expected, will not be given more time to study. On the plus side I wasn't as tired as the previous days. A little while after that class... my mood flipped. I got hyper. Could be my body fighting the med, or the stress, I don't know. All I know is that I am thankful. I listened to recordings of the lectures I missed and took notes. At worst I'll study the notes and skim the text. I should at least pass.

I hope this mood lasts. Although I think I'm getting sick. No matter, I can deal with it.

[TheOriginalMe]

I finished my working week with more control than I had earlier on. I'm still not getting the support I was promised but I have laid out my grievances and now it is up to them to respond. They may choose not to respond or they may decide to back track on the support, I just have to wait and see. Meanwhile if I get triggered again I will just up and walk away (temporarily) and hope my boss doesn't decide to humiliate me in front of colleagues again, if he does I will try to maintain my dignity. Easier said than done.

[angelene]

I feel wretched today. I worked 14+ hours for the Election on Tuesday and am still recovering. Facing all the voters with my anxiety issues? Well that was one of the reasons I got involved. Trying to get out there into the world and beat my Social Anxiety Disorder.
But it was extremely draining emotionally because I am a hermit; I rarely leave the house.
Speaking of draining, the Fibromyalgia wasn't happy about basically sitting in the same position for all that time. I should've taken more breaks but I wasn't thinking about how I'd pay later. Just tried to do my job.

So, Yay! I had to interact with my neighbors all day! But...
Boo! I feel awful.

[Turtlesoup]

I slept pretty well last night so that's always a plus. Had a good solid day-OCD crap flitting around in my brain but I was able to pretty much keep it in the background. Got some things done around the house & went out for my husband's acupuncture appt. then picked up some food items & cat food. My husband is recovering from having surgery on both shoulders & has chronic pain in his back which is pretty severe almost all the time. I did great today in traffic reading so I wouldn't get freaked by rush hour traffic & have a panic attack. Then we get home & we're unloading the stuff (he always insists on bagging our stuff) & I could barely lift some & could not at all lift others-he put 40 freakin cans of cat food in 1 bag-we have like 30 canvas bags in our trunk-he does this all the time & I remind him as he's bagging not to put too much in there-GRRRRRRRRRR-I spend so much freakin time & energy on him trying to make things easier & if I hadn't got in front of him today he would have carried those in weighing god only knows how much. I'm over it-I have a lot of pain issues too along with all my other goodies & I'm blowing so much energy on policing him like he's a child-over it. Going to shut myself in my art room & finish my book-bleh.

[Rose76]

I'm becoming physically unwell and it's just failure to cope. I tell myself that I can do better than this.

[regretful]

Depression, exacerbated by anti-depressant induced weight gain, compounded by cold-weather, unemployment, and inching up on the one year anniversary of my one (and hopefully only) psych hospital stay...

[Rose76]

I'm better than I was yesterday. For the moment, that will have to suffice.

[Shriveled Muse]

I keep on telling myself that I should just suck it up because my problems aren't as bad as other people's. That my failures are actually completely within my control. That no one would be bothered with my problems. That no one would care in the slightest. But... I keep hoping despite it all.

Well, this birthday has been nothing but disappointment.

Mom cancelled all our shopping plans for today, gave me twenty bucks instead...(I'd spend it, except now I have no one to take me anywhere.) She claims it's because her back hurts, but I know better. I know it's because she's just hungover. Either way, it hurts. Yeah, she said we'll go shopping on Monday instead. But my birthday is today. Not tomorrow, not on Monday, today. You can't just push back someone's birthday because you "don't feel like it" or because it's not convenient to you...unless you want to make that person feel like utter ****. I know this makes me sound like a spoiled brat, but it hurts... I've cried so much today. And honestly, I doubt she'll keep her promise for Monday either. Nobody ever keeps their promises to me...they do for other people, but not for me. Am I not worthy?

Happy birthday to me huh....

Well, at least I still get a cake. Maybe I can blow out the candle and wish to disappear.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm overtired today. This last week has been too provoking.

I must have doubled up on my meds one day this week, probably tuesday or wednesday. I know because I should have 6 tablets left and there are only 4.

I was really alert and excitable yesterday and today I'm completely flat so I'm thinking it was probably wednesday I took the extra dose. Part of me is worried, what if the extra meds harm my liver? I know that is unlikely as the drug has been tested at the dose I took and is safe, they just don't prescribe the dose I took because there is no evidence to show that larger doses bring about greater improvement.

Tomorrow will probably be worse than today for my mood as I skipped tonight's dose to give my liver a chance to get over the high dose and to bring me back into line for repeat prescriptions. I've forgotten to take meds before but never doubled up, I wish I felt less worried.

Another big birthday disappointment: my older sister has been on Facebook all day; I know, because the little light by her name has been green for hours; and yet she hasn't wished me a happy birthday. My brother wished me a happy birthday, and so did a family friend, but not my sis. We used to be so close, what happened? What did I do to make her stop caring about me? . . .

[tigerlily84]

I slept almost 12 hours last night. I think my body was playing catch up, since I haven't really taken the time to sleep all week. My cold seems to have gone away, except for a sore throat, so that's not bad. But when I woke up I had all this energy, and a list of things to do. I got most of it done. But at some point I felt like my energy just drained out of me and now I'm tired.

I want to take a nap but I'm supposed to meet up with my family for dinner. I'm more than a little anxious because I've been isolating for months and I will have to face the questions. I feel obligated to go because it's the last night my cousin will be here before he flies back to his country.

[Shriveled Muse]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Another big birthday disappointment: my older sister has been on Facebook all day; I know, because the little light by her name has been green for hours; and yet she hasn't wished me a happy birthday. My brother wished me a happy birthday, and so did a family friend, but not my sis. We used to be so close, what happened? What did I do to make her stop caring about me? . . .

Happy 18th Birthday ShyPoetGirl! Although your day may have been terrible, I hope your coming year has more rays of sunshine than the last. Here's a bunny for whoever needs one (maybe all of us here...) (don't know if it'll show up right):
.......()()
......( '-')
...o((")(")
Edit: here's an actual bunny:

[Nammu]

Not up,,,,,not bown,,,,,,,my mind has imploded.......bloop, beep, dip, skerry bloop, bloop