Originally Posted by Shriveled Muse

Happy 18th Birthday ShyPoetGirl! Although your day may have been terrible, I hope your coming year has more rays of sunshine than the last. Here's a bunny for whoever needs one (maybe all of us here...) (don't know if it'll show up right):
.......()()
......( '-')
...o((")(")
Edit: here's an actual bunny:

Aw, thank you for the bunnies! :3
(I doubt my year will be good, though....
Last time I had a good year was when I was...11.)


My sister did post on my wall and wish me a happy birthday after all. But only like 14 hrs. ago. Waay late in the day, like she forgot about it until the last minute and was suddenly like "Oh ****, I better do this." Or like she was debating with herself all day over whether or not to do it, and only decided she should at the very end of the day, after seeing my brother and my friend post.

[Bark]

Think I did okay on my exam. A pass at least. I don't want to get my hopes up because maybe I didn't realize a bunch of mistakes I made, say. I only had time to skim the textbook right before the exam (waking up earlier didn't work out so well), so here's hoping.

Felt pretty good I guess. I felt tired when I got back home, but I didn't fall asleep, which was probably good. I ate better today; cooked spaghetti even. I haven't cooked anything in a while (not that I ever cook anything more complicated, haha). I've been taking it easy, taking the day off to do whatever I want to do (which happened to be checking out Coursera which I haven't done in a while... yeah, a break from studying to listen to academics... but that's relaxing for me).

I seem to be doing things right... but my mood feels like it's slipping. I was irritable on the phone. I don't feel like doing much. I'm not really looking forward to a big event, even though I was. I'm thinking maybe it's because I've been tired all day and especially now, and that I should just head to bed now. That's probably the best thing to do. Frustrating and infuriating how my life seems to revolve around sleep, and never getting enough, but I've got to deal with it. I will bring it up with my psychiatrist, but I don't want to get into an argument. On the plus side, I'm planning to be more physically active starting tomorrow. So if that helps me deal with the tiredness, great! I'm not expecting a magic cure, though.

[angelene]

I'm actually leaving the house today! I fixed myself up, put clean clothes on and even added a touch of makeup so I can feel less self-conscious. Just going out to eat somewhere casual with a friend, but it means going out into the public, so yay me!

[Rose76]

I'm getting over my recent tail spin. Need to clean my house, but haven't much energy.

[TheOriginalMe]

Miserable weather, cold and wet. I got up early because the morning was forecast for sun but it clouded over and started to rain by 10:00am.

I got obsessed by finishing one job and that meant more important sruff didn't get done. I didn't even get that one job done either.

My mood is still horrible and flat.

[tigerlily84]

Had a great time last night. No one asked me any questions, and I was relieved. I really like my cousin and his girlfriend, so I'm glad I got to spend time with them. I was out so late that I spent the night at my dad's house and then my brother drove me to work this morning. So I'm pretty tired. My cousin and his gf have a 10 or 11 hour flight ahead of them! But luckily it's a night flight, so maybe when they wake up they'll be home. My siblings and I have made plans to go visit them maybe in 2016. I've never traveled outside of my country, so I really hope that can actually happen.

[Nammu]

I seem to be on autopilot, I real zed last night that there are less than two weeks left before I fly home for the holidays. I'm not looking forward to it, dreading it accually. Hopefully since I'm in a better place than I was last year it will go ok.
Anxiety seems to have taken root and dominates my days and nights. I did wash linins, toweling and a load of clothes today, now onward to cleaning...bleh.

[aprillynn197]

Emotional day

No fighting tonight. Of course, now that it's not my birthday. Usually I would be bowing down and kissing the ground in thankfulness, but now I'm just a little pissed off. Why couldn't they have restrained from fighting yesterday on my birthday? Nope, they couldn't do that much for me, they had to fight for a straight half hour last night, when I was in my room and struggling to fight the tears on what was going to be my special day. But tonight...utter silence.

EDIT: Also, ****ing people on Experience Project. Really. I just got called retarded for saying that I hate being a virgin and want to lose it fast or else I might just give up completely. This person does not understand the dynamics of depression and loneliness at all. I told her so in a long-winded response. Don't think I'll go back to read her answer, though. It's probably not worth reading anyway, just some shallow airhead who has a great life and doesn't know what it's like to be completely alone. Then this one guy said "Can't tell if you're doable or not unless you give me some pics." Really. Is it so hard to find some UNDERSTANDING in today's world, ****!

[Shriveled Muse]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

No fighting tonight. Of course, now that it's not my birthday. Usually I would be bowing down and kissing the ground in thankfulness, but now I'm just a little pissed off. Why couldn't they have restrained from fighting yesterday on my birthday? Nope, they couldn't do that much for me, they had to fight for a straight half hour last night, when I was in my room and struggling to fight the tears on what was going to be my special day. But tonight...utter silence.

EDIT: Also, ****ing people on Experience Project. Really. I just got called retarded for saying that I hate being a virgin and want to lose it fast or else I might just give up completely. This person does not understand the dynamics of depression and loneliness at all. I told her so in a long-winded response. Don't think I'll go back to read her answer, though. It's probably not worth reading anyway, just some shallow airhead who has a great life and doesn't know what it's like to be completely alone. Then this one guy said "Can't tell if you're doable or not unless you give me some pics." Really. Is it so hard to find some UNDERSTANDING in today's world, ****!

Sorry to hear that. and best wishes your way~

[gracebuttercup]

The holidays are approaching. They are a huge trigger for me. Even the music and ads are huge trigger because there is all this love and warm fuzzies. I do not have that in my life. so it causes me to feel even more depressed and alone. I can barely leave my house. So I cannot volunteer.

I want to move to a sunnier warm climate
My mood is plummeting. I'm realizing what a long winter there is ahead again.
At my age I feel like nothing good is left. Sorry for the downer.
I guess it is inevitable to feel kind of down after having some better days. It is just the way things are.

Originally Posted by gracebuttercup

The holidays are approaching. They are a huge trigger for me. Even the music and ads are huge trigger because there is all this love and warm fuzzies. I do not have that in my life. so it causes me to feel even more depressed and alone. I can barely leave my house. So I cannot volunteer.

Same here about the "love and warm fuzzies" it makes me want to cry.

. . .

In other news, not a good time to be in my head.
Why does my head hurt all the time and why do I feel like crying.
"Be yourself" well what if myself isn't good enough to find love, didn't think about that one, huh.

I'm tired of hearing about everyone's sex life, especially when I don't have one.

Huh. Usually I'm a lot better than this at articulating myself, what's wrong with me today?

[Bark]

Caught the flu, but doing okay moodwise. I had something due tonight but my head hurts and I have to read and research... I'll see tomorrow if I can submit it later. I've missed several assignments.

[Rose76]

Cleaned up a big pile of crap that had accumulated, which has given me a decent lift. I should improve a lot over the next two days, as I get my house straightened out.

I do my "Spring Cleaning" in the Fall in preparation for the holidays. I can hardly believe that I'll actually get it all done and the place decorated for Christmas. But that's how I feel every year till it's done.

[tigerlily84]

I feel sick again. Today is my grandmother's birthday and my mom wants me to go with her to the nursing home. I don't think it matters to her that I'm sick, she is still demanding that I go. Well I'm not. I don't want her to catch this. Apparently this makes me selfish and proves that I don't care about her or my grandmother. Right. I let her borrow my car so she can see her. Yup totally selfish.

[aprillynn197]

Falling apart. Why do I have to be a loser?

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by aprillynn197

Falling apart. Why do I have to be a loser?

There are no losers here, just everyone trying their best.

[TheOriginalMe]

Feeling really apprehensive about another week at work. I just want to call in sick, yet I know I've got to stick it out, at least until after christmas.

I don't have enough hours in the week right now, at least I haven't got a social life to miss out on.

[Shriveled Muse]

Just one of those days when you feel like your insides are destroying you from the inside out. Like having dense iron shackles on your heart while your brain is unsuccessful in its quest for clear thinking, losing in a fight through brambles of nonsense.

All that's left is this sense of blah.
if you relate?

Originally Posted by Shriveled Muse

Just one of those days when you feel like your insides are destroying you from the inside out. Like having dense iron shackles on your heart while your brain is unsuccessful in its quest for clear thinking, losing in a fight through brambles of nonsense.

All that's left is this sense of blah.
if you relate?

I definitely relate...been feeling that way myself these past few days.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can PM me. I'm always here.

---------------------
In other news - I seriously can't wait for my Sylvia Plath books to get here...should be anytime between the 11th and the 14th. My mom had ordered them for me on Amazon as a birthday gift a few days ago. She said, "Pick out what you want" and so I chose three books; The Collected Poems, The Unabridged Journals, and a collectible edition of Letters Home (which will arrive a little later than the other two). I guess a lot of people might find it sad that the only thing I'm looking forward to at the moment is a few books. But seriously...this world is a cruel and unforgiving place, you have to find positive things wherever you can.

But anyway...I haven't been so excited over anything in a very long time. (Depression will do that, as we all know.) So I'm waiting anxiously and counting down the days - right now, it stands at 2-5. (I really don't think I can wait that long!) I'm also anxious to get my free issue of Teen Ink, but that won't be for about another three weeks. I cannot wait to see my poem in the magazine, printed in the magazine's type, with my name at the bottom. I've been fantasizing about the day for over three years now...still surreal to me that it's finally happened. I guess it won't sink in until I have the copy in my hands and read my own poem in their pages.

Other than these things, I haven't been doing too good...
But, you know, I'm trying to keep my mind off it right now.

[Turtlesoup]

Didn't rest well last night-really bad dreams/nightmares bleh-my bad dreams for a long time now are all about me having no control & being terrorized-yuck. However my day has been good-I hope I sleep well tonight (or what passes for sleeping well for me) as I have an appt. tomorrow with my pdoc for med adjustments.

[gracebuttercup]

today for the first time I confessed to someone irl how I really am. No money,no friends, health very bad and family that does not care. While I was talking I noticed she had started eating soup. So I told her I would let her go and eat. she said okay and hung up. I should not have been honest. I dont know what I was thinking. I know better than to take off the mask

Our oldest horse (well, dad's) is dying. He offered to pick me up today. Was over at my parents. They are very elderly. This horse will be 32 this spring. Had it since it was born. A beautiful chestnut mare. I found her, dad had stuck her way back in the barn because he said something had spooked them all this morning and he couldn't get her in her pen. She has been swaying most of her life. So sad to see her so tired and sore, limping, slipping on her back feet. I know men are less sensitive, but dad didn't have her in her pen up front. I asked him why. He said because if she died he'd have a heck of a time getting her out. It bothered me. I could cry. He promised to keep her in her own pen up front. I just love animals. To see her in a dark corner today, swaying, knowing she is in pain. I am too. I don't know what I want in life anymore. I also don't want to see my parents getting so old and frail.

I am down. So down. I guess I must not be that down or I would not be writing this.