[weathered]

i don't even know where to start. Basicly I want to make the world hurt, I want to enflict pain upon all of those around me. Not physical pain because I have a daughter that I must raise, and without me I fear she may turn into her mother. I mean extreme emotioinal pain. As I am typing my hands are going numb, I cant even get a straight thought out. I have turned into a giant ball of tension and hate. But at the same time I cannot release it because I have no middle ground. Either I just remain quite or the other side takes over. I belive that my monster side is just to much to unleash so I do everything in my power to hold it down. The situation I find myself in is I can feel it scrathing away from the inside and it (ME) wants to lash out and devestate those who have got me to this point. But doing so would mean losing half of my family and my wife, but I am beging to care less and less everyday. There are many people who deserve to see the real me. Everyone thinks that I am this easy going guy and they can pretty much say to me what ever they want. They dont realize that I keep tabs on every wrong commited against me and I am boiling inside. My peace making personality is what is getting me into this situation. My wife tells me that I need to get some balls and I flat told her that if I did that there would be alot of people whose feelings would be crushed. I deep down have a very nasty dispostion and often times cannot repeat to anyone the thoughts that pop into my head. I am tired of doing this I either want it to go away for ever or became my predominate personality. I hate the wrestling match between the two. Maybe I am a good person who has been pushed to far or a mean spitrited person just making nice. The line is becoming more blurred. I despretly need a release of some sort. I can feel it, a time to make a descion is quickly coming to a head. I honently belive that those directly affeted deserve it, but at the same time it even affects the innocent. I am truly beside myself. I am not even sure now why I chose to post again, since I guess only I can help myself. I don't know anymore. Sorry for the rambling.

[Soidhonia]

Hello weathered,
I am soryr you are feeling so helpless at this time. Have you sought counseling for your issues. Counseling can be very beneficial for your mental health issues you are having at this time, and help you cope at a moe manageable level. Also if you PM psisci (which is DR Wylie). he may be able to recommend soem medication that may help you with your disorder. I hope you feel better soon. Take care Soidhonia

[weathered]

So this would be considered a disorder? I am beging to feel the problem lies with those that keep antagonisng. As I wrote in a letter to my aunt you keep pushing me what did you expect my reaction to be. I dont want to have a disorder. I wonder if I just found away to release it a little bit at a time just to releive some of the pressure. Does this work for anyone if so I could sure use the advice.

[desperado]

Crank some heavy metal, hard rock, alternative music......let them do the yelling for you.........for now

[weathered]

Tool is very good for that I would agree, I think I will go and do that now.

[desperado]

Thanks for reminding me......gonna buy a Tool cd asap.

[weathered]

your welcome, spread the word

I think we all have feelings of deep excruciating pain where we want a release so bad it feels the only way to ease our pain is to "give it away" like a hot potato.

When I was growing up there were days where I was just plain irritable, a normal emotion except it was made into a "monster" by my parents. I began to fear my own dark side and yes believed I did indeed house a monster, an evil twin within me.

I'd suggest finding someone to talk these feelings out with. Inside they just fester and seem so much more then they really are. We begin to feed them and almost treat them like a god.

take care

[weathered]

Mouse, that makes perfect sense.

[Perna]

When someone else says/does something you think wrong or hurtful, I don't understand why you don't call them on it? I don't believe other people are as fragile as you seem to think. I can't imagine a "problem" that starts out very large. Of course, I have no tact :-) and just wrote an email to one of my professors because I was trying to help another student and she "didn't get" my recommendations and I appeared to just be making her worse. I didn't want to come out and tell her she was wrong but that's my issue, not hers for not understanding me. I get anxious because I run out of ways to say 1 + 1 = 2, especially when the other person says, "Yes, but. . ." or otherwise disagrees with what, to me, seems obvious :-)

Straight talking is not negative but certainly can be scary to do. If people are crossing your boundaries, you have to tell them to stop. But there's no reason that has to be hurtful. I'm not sure that you quite see how other people feel/are or how they perceive you. If someone "pushes" you, you can be rooted and don't have to apologize or push back. Easygoing doesn't mean being a pushover or conciliatory, especially when your actual thoughts and feelings are called for.

I agree you should probably seek a counselor to talk things over with; I don't think you're "mentally ill" necessarily but could certainly use some help with communicating with others?

[weathered]

I do know that I do not know how to argue constructivly, its all or nothing. It builds until I am forced to act not because i want to. How do I change this, i have never had a relationship or friendship last after a fight. I just want to be a little mean sometimes but I cant find a middle ground.

[desperado]

I'm no expert on relationships, but how about taking an assertiveness course? I did & it helped.

((((((((Weathered)))))))))))))
God, I know how you feel. I've been there. I'm not there now but I DO understand where you're coming from. You need love, understanding and more Hugs!!!
(((((((((((((((((((Weathered)))))))))))))))))
I hope a ray of sunshine finds it's way to you and melts your heart so you don't feel so cold anymore.

[withit]

Weathered, I hear ya loud and clear! I can so relate! Your thread topic caught my eye, cuz I at times feel I have a monster inside of me as well. At times I picture a firing dragon leaping out of my mouth. I am a sadist at heart, yet on the surface I seem so um 'nice'.
I have found much release and relief in psychodynamic psychotherapy with some cbt to help me through some unmanageable monster attacks....
Are you seeing a t at this time? If not, it is a wise idea to do so.
I have learned that I can hold both anger and liking for one person, whereas prior to treatment I was either ANGRY or I liked the person. And once I got angry at someone I moved on....I didn't know how to process anger and re-establish trust. I learned how to be aware of my needs, how to assert myself, and how to appropriately deal with my anger. I still have a way to go, but I doubt I'd be where I am had I not been in treatment with a competent therapist.

[weathered]

First off I would like to thank you all for being so helpful and sympathetic. I also would like to update this story. This all came about because of a letter that my aunt wrote to me and my wife. She said that we were pigs because our house wasn't clean enough for her. I have two children who drop dirt and toys from their pockets and it becomes harded every year to keep up. Anyway I though it would be good for me to write her back, of course because of my all or nothing mentality it was a very scathing letter. You know the type, you are dead to me and something about choking back bile when I had to be nice to them. And those werethe parts I feel comfortable telling you about. The main reasons I wished to give her this letter was to deliver a definite knock out blow. I made the mistake of reading it to my mother (her sister is the aunt in question),and she came to me a day later and offered to buy me a car ( a cheap one for comuting) not to give her the letter or at least to edit the hell out of it. I did actually did have to think about it for a couple of days but a car is a car and I get to write a PG version of the letter anyway. Again thank you all.