[Rose76]

My s/o and I separated 8 years ago, but remained very close. We live apart from each other, but spend a lot of time together. For over two years, he has needed a lot of help from me, as he is much older than me and his health has really been going downhill. He is barely able to continue living at home, but does not want to go to a nursing home. So I have been a major help to him.

For Thanksgiving, my friend told me not to cook because he wanted to take me out for dinner instead. Well, he kept postponing going out on Thanksgiving, finally telling me he didn't want to go out at all. So that was our Thanksgiving. This seems like a pretty small thing, when I boil it down, but I did get very demoralized over this.

Since Thanksgiving, I've run over to do one errand or the other for him, but I haven't spent the amount of time that I normally spend. I've mostly been home getting more depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I guess, I was hoping he would call and want to make it up to me for Thanksgiving being a bust. That may be expecting more than he ever has the ability to think of, at this point.

We used to do things for each other. Now, it's gotten to be pretty one-sided. I guess I'm just not good-hearted enough to stay in a situation like this. A few setbacks happened to me lately. I've gotten demoralized, and I seem to feel worse when I go over to see him. If I'm not going to keep up with all I've been doing for him, then I need to tell his family who are far away, or the VA who provide his medical care.

If anyone reading this has experienced getting demoralized with being a care giver, I would appreciate hearing how you handled it. I did speak to a psychologist at the VA not too long ago. She told me that it is not all that unusual for women who are ex-wives or ex-girlfriends to end up doing the major caretaking for men at the end of their lives. This stunned me. I thought my situation was rare, but apparently not. She further told me, that women in my position do tend to get feeling pretty burned out.

I made great progress over the past year getting on top of my own problem with depression. Now, in just the past month, the bottom is falling out. I'm sinking like a stone.

[jelly-bean]

I have been where you are.It isn't going to be long before your friend will need more help than you can give him. Then there will be no choice for him but to go into assisted living. People who are caregivers for others quite often get so caught up in caring for the other person that they forget that they too need to be taken care of. I suggest you talk to the VA and tell them you will be going on a vacation so they need to find someone to take over his care. Then go on a vacation, do something you enjoy doing, just get away and let your mind refresh itself without all that worry. It helps.

[Rose76]

The VA has an agency send someone over to help him 3 times per week. It comes out to 6 hours of help per week. Believe me, that 6 hours is a drop in the bucket compared to the amount of support he needs. They firmly tell me that he is not eligible for more.

I have told people, including the VA and his family, that, if this gets to be too much on me, that I will go off on a vacation somewhere. From what the social worker at the VA told me, they would basically just wait for something awful to happen (like a broken hip,) then force him into a facility for care. So, it's not like I have some assurance that, if I step out of the picture, someone else will step in. But I do think of just leaving town, after telling people that I'm leaving, and then just letting events follow their natural course.

His 3 adult children live at the other end of the country thousands of miles away. He used to go visit them annually. A few years ago, they told him to stop coming out to see them. After over two years of not seeing him, one of the daughters came out to check on him. When she got me alone, she started telling me she is worried about the expenses of his final arrangements after he passes away. She said she is worried her two siblings will stick her with the bill. I don't think that is any of my business. She and her husband have a joint income of over $200,00 per year. Her two siblings are quite comfortable also. None of them are struggling, young couples with small children. My friend was an alcoholic for years and will leave nothing to anyone. The daughter told me she wants to have a cremation and no church service. Then burial could be at a VA cemetery. I didn't criticize her at all.

None of his kids ever calls me to ask about him. They will call me if he gets hospitalized, but that's about it. So this daughter called me recently to badger me some more about final arrangements. (Whether to bring the remains back to near whree she lives, or just let him be buried here where he lives.) I was busy at the check out counter paying for groceries after shopping for her father. I told her I was busy. She called me back as I was driving to his place with the shopping. I got impatient and said something I regret. She started telling me about how she just doesn't know what her father would like done when he passes away. She's had years and years to check with him on that. I've told her years ago that he told me he doesn't worry about it. He's not terminally ill and could live a few more years. There is something phony about her coming to me with these questions.

She kept saying that she just doesn't know what to do when the time comes. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that I had an alcoholic uncle who died indigent. I said that my family made sure he had the same kind of funeral and burial that everyone else in the family had. Then I said, "But I guess different families have different values." Well, she blew up at me over that. She cried and screamed and said, "What are you saying?" and hung up in my ear. That's the last I heard of her, and maybe the last I ever will. She told me I was not grateful to her for coming all the way out to visit her father.

I regret making that remark, which I would admit was kind of snarky. I guess that when a father dies leaving no estate, that adult children can resent having any final expenses.

For many years, I've helped my friend out. Now on top of the stress of worrying about him all the time, I had to listen to all this stupid talk from the daughter.

If he were all that nice of a man to be around, I would still be living with him. We remain friends because I haven't had to live with him. But, now, as he is needing more and more attention, it's getting to remind me of when I did live with him. I feel demoralized and the idea of just leaving town does appeal to me.

[Clara22]

Wow! I do not have any advice for you but I really think you did well when you told her your uncle story. I do not understand what else she expects you to do or say. I hope you can take the respite soon. Look at me, I am at the hospital with a severe health problem because I did not take enough care of myself, as I was taken by my mom illness and my brother bullying. I wish you the best, take care of yourself, Rose.

[Rose76]

Thanks, Clara. I hope you will feel better before long. Sometimes it is hard to take care of self, when another needs a lot of looking after.

[Clara22]

That is true, Rose. I could not think about anything but my mom when she was ill

[MotherMarcus]

Rose76... You are an incredible and selfless person. Your friend is lucky to have you. That being said, have you considered talking to your state's Health and Human services department ? You may be able find better options other than what the VA provides.
Work on finding some sort of respite care option. Do you have other friends or neighbors that could pitch in ? This would allow you to take care of yourself .
Be well.

[vital]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

I have been where you are.It isn't going to be long before your friend will need more help than you can give him. Then there will be no choice for him but to go into assisted living. People who are caregivers for others quite often get so caught up in caring for the other person that they forget that they too need to be taken care of. I suggest you talk to the VA and tell them you will be going on a vacation so they need to find someone to take over his care. Then go on a vacation, do something you enjoy doing, just get away and let your mind refresh itself without all that worry. It helps.

I really like what jelly-bean is saying Rose. You have already done a wonderful thing. I personally would think no less of you at all if you have to take a break or withdraw from the situation entirely. Some situations in life are beyond your personal ability to fix them. It's important to recognize that and to not let situations like that harm you. Even if you had no interest other than helping others, taking care of yourself first, is, I believe, the best way to do that.

- vital

[Rose76]

Thank you for the posts above. I'm not out to try to paint myself as a hero. Yes, what I do for my friend is nice, and he is lucky to have someone help him as I do. But I would be very lonely without him, so a lot of time I spend with him is time I want to be with him.

I've gotten in awful bad shape. Some may be worry about him. Some is just that I'm prone to anxiety and depression and some time I get overwhelmed by both. That's how I am now. It's like different things in my mind have snowballed into monsters, some about him, and some not about him.

I don't want to go to where I've gotten my psych care. They'll just say, "So what do you think we can do?" Then I'll just leave. I truly don't know what anyone can do to help me. I was making good progress over most of 2013. In October, I started slipping. Now I am becoming devastated at how bad I feel.

I will try to do some housework now. My place is becoming chaotic.

Today I dreamed about my dog who died over 8 years ago. I dreamed I had left her home alone with no food or water. And I felt so bad that I did that. Then I woke up and remembered that I never ever neglected her like that. Now I am upset just thinking of this. It took be 5 years to recover from the loss of my dog. But I did, and got to where I was okay about it. Now for these anxieties to come back related to her. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Clara22]

Hi Rose,
In psychoanalysis displacement (German: Verschiebung, "shift, move") is an unconscious defense mechanism whereby the mind substitutes either a new aim or a new object for goals felt in their original form to be dangerous or unacceptable, or too painful. Particularly about dreams, Freud describes
how we replace objects and subjects. For example your dog could be representing your s.o. A dream is not sign of craziness but a release of the mind to bring out unconscious mind contents that cause anguish, guilt, or other emotions. You can see Wikipedia for a good summary about mechanisms according to Freud. To me, it makes a lot of sense

[gayleggg]

If anyone reading this has experienced getting demoralized with being a care giver, I would appreciate hearing how you handled it. I did speak to a psychologist at the VA not too long ago. She told me that it is not all that unusual for women who are ex-wives or ex-girlfriends to end up doing the major caretaking for men at the end of their lives. This stunned me. I thought my situation was rare, but apparently not. She further told me, that women in my position do tend to get feeling pretty burned out.

I had troubles with this when I had to take care of my dad. After my mom died he needed me but took out all his frustrations on me. Some days I just had to protect myself by stepping back and limiting my time with him. I was his legal guardian so I couldn't back off completely, but I had to back off enough that I could see what he was going through to make him the way he was. The only control he had over his life was by controlling me and when that didn't work he became abusive in his language.

Take time for yourself and don't feel guilty. You can't take care of someone else unless you take care of you. Some space should give you a clearer outlook.

I hope you Christmas goes better than you Thanksgiving.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rose76]

Thanks for the replies. I've become so awfully depressed. I haven't had any interest in putting up my Christmas tree. I'm neglecting other things. I feel like I can't pull myself out of this.

I'm taking extra doses of my antidepressant. I'm just desperate to feel normal. At times I wish I was dead, thinking I have nothing to look forward to in life. I'm at my s/o's place now, feeling a little comforted to be with him. He's being nice. I'm so hurt by his daughter I can't seem to get over it.

My plan is to take some amitriptyline every 4 hours, hoping it will give me a lift. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. It's just awful, but there is no explaining that to anyone.

[Clara22]

I am sending you a big hug