[Anxious Minds]

I've spent a major part of my life fighting depression and anxiety. For many years, I fought it without even knowing what it was. I didn't even recognize or realize that I had anxiety until a few years ago, but had all the symptoms most of my life. I've never been to a doctor or a therapist about it and have always just dealt with it by reading all the books on psychology and self help that I could. After years of reaching around in the dark, I did finally come onto the issues I faced, why they were issues in my life, and have slowly been finding ways to deal with those issues ever since. Just some background for you...

That said, recently it has dawned on me that I've been approaching both depression and anxiety from the wrong angle. And why wouldn't I? We've all been taught that those are things that are bad, and they are things we must conquer at all costs. And why wouldn't they be bad? They create these feeling inside us that swallow us up and make us feel helpless, lost, angry, sad, etc. It's a darkness that exists in all of us to some degree or another. And when that darkness comes to the surface, we are afraid of it and we fight it.

Lately, however, it's been impressed upon me to start cultivating more courage in my life. In the past, I would see courage in much the same way that Hollywood presents it: a great fairy tale where a prince goes out into the world and slays a dragon and rescues a princess. Heck, that sort of story used to really inspire me and move me to my core. We've had so many happy endings flashed in our faces, that the message of hope that you find in these stories eventually become like poison -- images of a life that you will never have. Granted, I'm mostly happy with my life (and I've spent a lot of time getting to a place where I'm happy with my life because I spent so much of my life being miserable). But I'd always clung to this hope that at some point I would find something to rid me of the depression and anxiety that has plagued me all my life. But what experience has taught me is that depression comes around on a cycle, and that anxiety can be minimized but never totally removed.

I don't want to sound cynical or that I've given up on that hope. I haven't. I think what has happened is that I've gotten more realistic and have begun to look at it from another perspective. I've always seen those things as bad parts of me, things that make me an unlikable person or an unworthy person. Lately, however, I'm starting to realize that those things are a part of me. Nobody is all darkness just like nobody is all light. And life, it seems, becomes a training ground for striking a balance between the light and the dark and never letting either come to define you totally.

So, I've instead started focusing on cultivating courage. Specifically, the courage to be depressed. The courage to proudly announce that my depression isn't something that defines or limits me. On the contrary, it's my depression that ultimately has fueled my passion. Some of my best work comes out of some of the darkest depression.

Interesting enough, that perspective has helped me quite a bit. Now that I see depression for what it is...a cyclical storm that comes through my life from time to time, I'm learning to embrace it and focus on the parts of my life that are actually enhanced by it.

So, I wanted to share this little blurb because it's been on my mind. It seems that having the courage to say "this is who I am!" instead of having a huge battle over it has made things more clear.

[Dempsey64]

Very interesting. I will need to digest this slowly. I have not thought about embracing the depression, but I have had moments of trying to embrace who I am.

[Fuzzybear]

[Altered Moment]

I agree with you and have advocated that approach on these forums. As you might expect I get some blow back.

I think I was forced to come to a similar attitude. 37 years of dealing with depression without even finding a long term solution kind of makes you think that maybe I should embrace this thing and make friends with it. I have learned to let myself be in depression and even be content in it.

It is a paradox but total self acceptance and being rid of the shame that goes with depression is very freeing. It actually frees up energy and perspective to look at things differently and to approach things differently. It doesn't mean that you have given up hope or are going to stop trying. It is hard to explain because it is a paradox. You have to experience it.

I first starting learning similar concepts in AA 20 years ago.
"By admitting powerlessness I gain power."
"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today."
"Seize fighting everything and everyone."
"Total surrender."
"Make your plans, set your goals, but then stay in the moment, put one foot in front of the other and leave the results to the universe."

Counter intuitive but paradoxical and powerful. Like I say you can't really explain it you have to experience the power of it.

It is a Buddhist concept that the only way through suffering is to embrace suffering, not to fight it, just be with it. The solutions already exist, you just need to be still and let the solutions and healing come.

The biggest problems I have are not the depression itself but how the depression effects my life. It interferes with my ability to make a living for example.

I guess I haven't been still long enough to be free of depression but these concepts have made life so much easier.

[TheOriginalMe]

I had a good spell lasting 8 years where I developed a passive tolerance of my depression. I even managed med free because I could accept that depression was part of me but not bigger than me. About 3 years ago I was triggered by a change at work, but I didn't realise what the trigger was or why it was so devastating, I only noticed the crippling effects of the illness overtake and overwhelm me. I am now at a crossroads of knowing the trigger and having to choose a new direction. Do I accept my incomplete understanding and learn to live within my new parameters or do I seek to unravel my identity to understand more deeply?

[Altered Moment]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I had a good spell lasting 8 years where I developed a passive tolerance of my depression. I even managed med free because I could accept that depression was part of me but not bigger than me. About 3 years ago I was triggered by a change at work, but I didn't realise what the trigger was or why it was so devastating, I only noticed the crippling effects of the illness overtake and overwhelm me. I am now at a crossroads of knowing the trigger and having to choose a new direction. Do I accept my incomplete understanding and learn to live within my new parameters or do I seek to unravel my identity to understand more deeply?

I am afraid we may be forced to accept an incomplete understanding.
Pretty much the same situation I am facing and very difficult. My biggest problem is not the depression but how it affects my life. How do I plan for the future? How big do I set my goals and how big of commitments do I make that I may not be able to complete or honor. It would not be fair to the people I commit to if I end up not being able to honor it.

I cannot even identify the triggers that set it off except for financial stress which is a big one. For that I have lots of different options for addressing, thank god. How can I even choose to overcome triggers I can't even identify? How do I shape the parameters and boundaries of my life even if I totally accept depression as part of it and am at peace with it???

Today I am feeling very good and making lots of moves. Next week I might be very depressed and all my confidence gone about the moves I made today.

[Altered Moment]

BTW I find Anxious Minds to be very wise.

And an engineer who teaches math and physics....OMG I am in love lol.

He/she also has a website we should all check out that is dedicated to mental illness.
Inspires me to build my own similar website. Add it to the list.

Home - The Cure for the Anxious Mind

[qwerty_kid]

Depression is, I'd say, an affliction in some ways, but I agree it comes with its perks. One example in particular is how my sensitivity led to my depression three years ago, which exposed my vulnerabilities in ways with which I was first uncomfortable. But it was humbling in a way. I now approach everybody as if they themselves had depression. As if they have their own demons to face. In the end, don't we all?

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I am afraid we may be forced to accept an incomplete understanding.
Pretty much the same situation I am facing and very difficult. My biggest problem is not the depression but how it affects my life. How do I plan for the future? How big do I set my goals and how big of commitments do I make that I may not be able to complete or honor. It would not be fair to the people I commit to if I end up not being able to honor it.

I cannot even identify the triggers that set it off except for financial stress which is a big one. For that I have lots of different options for addressing, thank god. How can I even choose to overcome triggers I can't even identify? How do I shape the parameters and boundaries of my life even if I totally accept depression as part of it and am at peace with it???

Today I am feeling very good and making lots of moves. Next week I might be very depressed and all my confidence gone about the moves I made today.

I completely understand the frustration of not knowing what your triggers are, I had no idea until this year why I should have periods of depression. I assumed because there is a family history (on both sides but stronger through the maternal line) that was largely where the problem lay and I suppose it still does have a part to play.

Nor are the changes at work the problem, I can see they will pass, either I will get another job doing something different or I'll end up jobless, I accept that much and I will deal with the financial fall-out as and when it happens. However, the insight that the changes at work brought is the real issue.

In challenging why I was so reluctant to change, I ran head first into a deeply supressed childhood trauma and honestly, I'd rather believe that there was no psychological basis to my depression and stay in blissful ignorance. I have two choices, turn my back on the trauma, accept it is there and not look back or face the trauma head on and embrace it. I'm not brave enough to commit to either course right now and a third option presents itself, denial - my recollection is faulty and I am misinterpreting a distant memory. Is it ever OK to accept and embrace denial?

[Altered Moment]

I see. That is difficult. I am not sure. I am of the belief that a suppressed instance of trauma is bound to have an impact on you know matter how much ignorant bliss you are in. Know that you have a glimpse what do you do? Take a lot of courage to do the trauma therapy thing. I would try hypnosis first if it were me.

Maybe ask in the PTSD and survivors of abuse section and see what kinds of results they have had. Might be well worth it in the long run. I don't know. Radical Acceptance would say it is OK to embrace the fact that it happened, it is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to change the fact that it happened. Acknowledge the reality. Has to be very scary.

Almost 100% sure I don't have any repressed trauma so I am grateful for that. Can never say anything with 100% certainty though.

My aunt is a financial advisor. She has a friend who was a teacher and she talked him into going into financials. A guy took him on as a partner and gave him a bunch of clients. This was an Edward Jones office or one like that. They do acting training on video. Someone comes in and acts as a client and runs you through the drill and the bosses watch on the monitor. During one of these the guy had a total nervous breakdown in front of everyone. Turns out childhood trauma and abuse came flooding into his consciousness all at once. He was in the hospital for awhile. I need to ask my aunt how he is doing now.

[tz90]

I think I used to embrace depression. I don't want to glorify it, but it kept me company and was somewhat comforting in lonely nights. That was at a time when I felt nothing but emptiness. Things have changed, I'm not empty anymore. I feel sick and miserable, and it has ruined me. My life sucks, I'm ashamed of it and I hate being myself. I've realized this and the day I die I don't want to look back at a life full of regret. But I also can't escape, which is driving me crazy.

Sure, embracing it won't make you feel as awful, but it makes you blind.