[atrester]

I am hoping that this site will offer me some help and support. I have had chemical depression for many years. I am now 35 years old, married,mother to 5 kids under 9 years old.

I am really struggling lately and feeling more and more like the down dips are getting lower and lower. I feel such guilt for what my kids must have in me as a mother. I know I am a good mother in many ways, but I am surely not what I want to be. I often wonder if they love me because everyone loves their parents even if they are really messed up. I sure did with my parents. I feel like I can't love everyone the way they deserve to be loved and I feel like a burdon to family and friends since I can't seem to just function day to day like everyone else seems to without a breakdown. I am taking my meds, but amstarting to wonder if I need something different.

I never get out of my house for anything much but stuff for the home and kids. I always have themwith me. I have no money for therapy and tons of medical bills for my kids to resolve. There is so much to list as things that are sparking my depression. I am not sure at this point how to deal with all of it. My husband doesn't really "get" depression and how it works. I feel quite alone. Can anyone relate, help????

[dexter]

i am sorry for the position you are in atrester but it is very good that you are seeking alternatives.

it is possible that your meds need to be adjusted. is there a clinic you can go to? or at least speak with the doc that prescribed your meds and go from there?

many communities also offer therapists and doctors on a sliding scale based on your income. it may be something to explore to get the help you need without costing. I also know several people who have their therapy paid for by church programs, if that is an option for you to at least look into.

if you are unsuccessful in getting any professional treatment (and even if you are) you can look for free support groups in your area. There is no professional counseling at a peer support group but being with others who do understand can help. They may also be able to provide ideas for ways to get therapy that you can afford.

of course this forum is an online version of that type of peer to peer support group. I believe it is good to get out and be around actually people who can offer support, but this place also has advantages like being available 24 hours a day every day so you can ask advice, read about others, or just come and vent when you need to at any time. So I hope you will continue to visit here, it is a very good and supportive group of people.

finally with regard to your husband not "getting" it is he open to trying to understand more? there is lots of info on the web and a lot of good books on the subject. i wrote something to help friends and family understand depression as a start, if you think it will be helpful it is at
-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[Rapunzel]

Do you ever get a break? That was one of the things that kept me down for so long. My oldest recently turned 12, and now I can go places without dragging all the kids along! That probably made more of a difference for me than anything else. You probably feel alone even though you never get any time by yourself because you always have to take care of the kids! But it keeps you isolated. Making friends through the internet made a difference for me too.

Is there any way you could tell your husband that you need to have a night off at least once a week? Or some time during the day? Do you have a friend or relative who would take the kids for you on a regular schedule for like one day a week or even just a couple of hours? Could you arrange to trade with another mom - you watch her kids one day and she watch yours another day, so you both get an errand day? I used to fantasize about just having an hour alone in my own house with no kids, just so that I could catch my breath.

What would you do with that time? Now that I can get out, I go for walks, go shopping and run errands by myself, and have been taking some classes. When my kids were little and I was overwhelmed I used to get up at night when the house was quiet and take a bubble bath, often at 3 a.m.

Another thing you could look into is free or sliding scale based therapy. There are community agencies that may provide it for you. Try DCFS - they are often willing to help parents who are struggling, and would rather hear from a mom who wants to be a better parent and really is not doing such a bad job (and give you some support!) than wait until you can't cope and some problem develops (not that you would do anything that would harm your kids, but depression is frequently a factor behind abuse and neglect). Or vocational rehabilitation - homemaking is a vocation too and depression is a disabling condition that makes you less effective at doing your job. And there are community counseling centers that provide therapy at a very reasonable cost. Meds might make it easier to cope, but they don't make the problem go away. Therapy gives you the means to work through it and really be able to recover. And it is also a chance to talk to someone at an adult level without having to deal with the kids. Lots of people who say they can't afford therapy don't know what options there are that could make it accessible.

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<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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[atrester]

Thanks for all your words. I really felt that you understood. You see I was abused as a child and would rather die than hurt my kids. I feel guilt for any harsh word I say or any time that I didn't make them feel the way I would have wanted in the situation.

Having had depression for so long, I get really down and can't keep up with chores,which makes me feel inadequate. It all snowballs. I can'tget out for myself, much less find a time or situation for therapy, you know?

We got a puppy for the family and I am stealing time with her to take walks. I love her. She is very therapeutic to me. A baby like thing that adores me, doesn't backtalk, and won't leave---YET I can crate her when I need time alone!

I need to gather my info and approach my dh about all this. I would like a walk every evening that is decent weather. I would like to go to a support group at least once a month. I know that much.

I am trying to develop a schedule that will help me stay on task and keep me fromfeeling like I lose the whole day in being overwhelmed. It doesn't help to have ADD also!

I will keep you posted. THANKS so much.

[Rapunzel]

Yes, I know those frustrations that come with being stuck and unable to get a break from the kids and the house. Struggling with the housework (and feeling bad about it) goes along with the territory. You might find some help for that at <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.flylady.net>http://www.flylady.net</A> .

The puppy sounds wonderful! You get unconditional love and a reason to go for walks. And if you don't want puppy attention at the moment it is fine to crate her.

Being able to get away from the kids to go to therapy was also an issue for me. At one point (when I only had 2 kids) I had the older one in preschool and that was when I scheduled my therapy appointments (the younger one was an infant and I just took her along). The next time I was in therapy I scheduled it at 4 pm and my husband got off work an hour early on those days to watch the kids. Sometimes it is easier to get someone to watch them for you if you have an appointment and can point to that as a clear reason for needing the time off. Moms need free time too though. I think that time off for moms is a bigger problem in our culture these days than most people are aware of. It used to be most moms had a relative nearby who took the kids sometimes (you could send them to grandma's when you needed to), or if not, there would be a neighbor who would watch them. But now grandmas work and often live far away, and we don't even know our neighbors. So there are more burned out moms than ever before, and that's just one reason.

Yes, gather your info and talk to your husband and figure out what options you have. You will find obstacles, but keep looking for ways to overcome them. The obscacles don't have to be allowed to be road blocks. Hang in there, and do keep us posted. When you need to vent or just need to talk to grown-ups, we're here for you.

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

[atrester]

I am having a hard time today. I called the doc and they are talking about switching my meds to Zoloft. I have never taken that.

I am feeling really bad. I haven't felt this bad since I was in college many years ago. I have this overwhelming feeling inside me that I just cant do this anymore. I feel like crawling into bed and going to sleep and not doing anything.

I worked so hard to try to solve things today but still feel like I am losing it. I want to do so much to try to make things better but I am just SO tired.

[Rapunzel]

Tell your husband you are feeling this way. It's his job to help you, as much as it is yours to help him. There are ups and downs, and sometimes you just need a break.
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<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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[texdave]

Just wanted you to know that someone else will say a prayer for you tonight, I hope you get some rest and feel better tomorrow.

[atrester]

Thank you very much. That means a great deal to me. It is a new morning and so far I feel a bit better...I will check in later and keep you all posted. I have a lot of reading to do--all stuff I found about the Bible and depression. It was very interesting stuff. I thought it might be something new for me to look into. I hear about my meds today too.

I am off to the vet with my puppy Faith. It is sunny and supposed to be warm here today. I will check in later. Thank you again!!!

One more thing to look into is the book Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by David D. Burns. It's in paper back at www.amazon.com for $8.00. It helped me a lot with my own depression back in 1999. Since then I've given it to friends and family. It's based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and teaches you the basics and how to be your own CBT instructor. CBT and meds have truly helped a lot of people deal with depression.

See if your library has it. If you like, get your own copy since you'll want to write in it! Amazon also sells used copies cheaper, but always check on the shipping cost and compare.

Good luck. Keep us posted!

Emmy

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." -- The Dalai Lama

[texdave]

Hope your puppy is a-ok. There is some helpful stuff in the Bible, but from my experience better to stick with the NTestament when depressed. Although there are some Psalms in OT which can be helpful. In any case, it's a very personal experience. It helped me to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me when I read.

[atrester]

have to admit I get lost inthe bible...what would you recommend me reading?

[texdave]

Like I said, it's a very personal thing. I am partial to the writings of Paul, mainly because like me, he was full of false pride but also because he was so far from God, even persecuting Christians and helping with their executions, then from a complete unmerited act of grace totally had a 180 degree change of heart. People don't just change their entire personalities like that in general. It indicates to me that something extraordinary happened to him. This makes his testimony all the more believable to me and indicates that with God all things are indeed possible. I would suggest reading a little history about the Bible, and if you have specific questions while you are reading, write them down and pray for guidance. It doesn't hurt to ask a minister either, but for me asking for revelation while reading gives more personal meaning for me. I started reading and looking for how a certain passage would be applied in MY life, how does that relate to where I am right now? I picked out certain passages that I found hopeful and encouraging and would write them down and place them on my mirror. And get a Bible that has a more modern language that you can understand clearly.